Just how far is it from Point A to Point B? Throughout world history, this has been an important question: well before any of us arrived on this humble blue sphere, the Marshall Islanders made stick charts to use in navigation. Then, the Ancient Babylonians pressed maps onto clay tablets. Mercator devised his famous Projection and provided the salty captains of the high seas a way to set sail for far-flung destinations using a rhumb line. And just recently those wily technological ingenues at Google gave us a way to glide over the whole earth without ever leaving our seats. Truly the pinnacle of cartographical achievement, that is.

It is high time that this same spirit of adventure and precision was brought to our game of baseball. That is why it gives me, Bob Watson, great pleasure to inform you that I will now be in charge of the standardization of all weights and measures, as well as the ground rules at those great citadels we call “ballparks.” As much as I remain a great proponent of Federalism — one need only contrast my decisions in the matters of Sheffield v. House and Wells v. Guccione, et al., to affirm my belief that some organizations are better equipped to deal with their violations privately and do not require federal sanction — there are those matters that cannot be left solely to the independent franchises alone, and national benchmarks must be enforced.

Now, I realize there may be those among you who would decry my new appointment as a clear breach of the separation of powers enshrined in our founding charter, being as I shall remain Chief Justice (and Associate Justice and Clerk and Solicitor General, for that matter) of the Major League Baseball Supreme Court. But there is no affront to our guiding principles in the expansion of my oversight. Rather, there is only an affirmation that the same principles which constitute the bedrock of Baseball’s penal code should guide its thinking in all matters, and that I as a most objective and fair-minded jurist am clearly the most qualified to assume immediate responsibility for carrying out this important function.

There is no question that our sporting Republic has been sullied in recent times by scandals of mismeasurement. Indeed, just recently it has been discovered that our newest franchise, the young Washington Nationals, have fallen victim to a lawless scheme wherein the distances in the power alleys at Robert Francis Kennedy Stadium were overstated in some instances by as much as 15 feet. Simply put, this cannot stand. I will not see my good friend Frank Robinson suffer as his offense falls just shy of home run after home run. This sort of misrepresentation simply cannot be tolerated, and you have my assurances that the perpetrators of this egregious fraud will be dealt with in a swift and severe manner, and that the barriers in that outfield will be brought into alignment with their stated dimensions. The integrity of our institution demands no less.

Furthermore, you have my solemn vow that I will investigate with vigor other brewing scandals of mismeasurement in Major League Baseball. For example, I intend to devote great energy to determining the veracity of the charges that Fenway Park’s Pesky Pole is actually 185 feet away from home plate — thus wildly inflating the power numbers of Boston hitters — and not the 302 feet posted on the park’s wall. I will also appoint an independent commission to investigate the claims of Mr. Steinbrenner that the Red Sox are able to make the 37-foot-high Green Monster higher when opposing teams are at the plate, and to lower it again when the home squad returns to offense. For those who were wondering what Manny Ramirez was doing inside that wall, I submit you may have an answer. Time and due process will tell.

But where there is redress for grievances, there is also reward for fidelity to our laws. Yankee Stadium, glorious is in its symmetrical regularity, should serve as a model for us all. Let its commodious contours be a beacon for us as we seek to emerge from these dark days of lawlessness and self-dealing. Furthermore, be not concerned that my new duties shall divide my attention from the equitable direction of Major League Baseball’s criminal-justice system. My vast and sympathetic intellect is clearly equal to this highest calling.

Thank you all for your clearly heartfelt congratulations as I take on this exciting and important new challenge.

Bob Watson is the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court of Major League Baseball and Chairman of the Permanant Special Subcommittee on Weights and Measures. He hit 184 home runs in 19 Major League seasons from 1966 to 1974.