As-Salaam-Alaikum! I would like to thank the organizers of Yard Work for allowing me to speak here today. I speak from the heart and from the soul, from hundreds of years of oppression to the cursed and blasted heath we see around us every day; I also speak from my den, where my new laptop computer is ready to transmit my wisdom and truth over the miracle of the Internets to you, my fine proud brothers and sisters.

I was recently called upon to end a burgeoning feud between two of Chicago’s finest sportswriters, Scoop Jackson and Jay Mariotti. This began in the context of some of the fans at Wrigley Field booing LaTroy Hawkins, a Black former Cub who now hurls for the San Francisco Giants. After the game, some Cubs players — and Black manager Dusty Baker — expressed themselves to the effect that that booing was “classless” and unecessary.

Well, my brothers and sisters, you can well imagine that the floodgates of White wrath were opened wide, and the torrent of wounded White self-pride was set forth like a mighty ocean. While White reliever Ryan Dempster and Black first baseman Derrek Lee both went on record as condemning this behavior, it is Baker who suffered the slings and arrows of the Windy City’s windiest and most discontent. Why? Because Baker went so far as to question the motives for this booing. After all, there have been plenty of Cubs of all racial and ethnic backgrounds who have been miserably ineffective. Why pick on Hawkins, who has already been traded to another team?

One of the most forceful members of the media was White writer Mariotti, who writes for the Chicago Sun-Times. In columns like this one, he went after Baker for daring to criticize fan behavior, even implying that these fans had a right and obligation to boo, because they had paid such a high price for tickets. A quick response was forthcoming from Black writer Jackson on E$PN.com, laying into Chicago’s sportswriters and flatly stating that there was a racial angle behind their demonization of Baker. Although not named in Jackson’s column, Mariotti took offense, and wrote a column calling Jackson out his name.

Seeing this situation about to explode, I quickly rushed in. After all, I’ve seen this foolishness before. Remember that it was I who managed to end the potentially dangerous feud between the Black rappers Lonnie “Common” Lynn, Jr., and O’Shea “Ice Cube” Jackson. Also remember that it was I who attempted to end the feud between the Black rappers Jeffrey “Ja Rule” Atkins and Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson. And also remember that I know a little something about what can happen when feuds are not ended.

I summoned both writers to my NOI mosque headquarters. Jackson was amenable right away, but Mariotti was — to my surprise — thrilled to meet me. It turns out that he has been a longtime listener, ever since hearing the “shoutout” to me on Public Enemy’s “Party for Your Right to Fight.” Negotiations were swift, and last night we sat down over some tea and bean pies, and began to parlet.

It would be wrong for me to reveal all that was discussed. I can tell you that I am much more strongly on Jackson’s side of the issue at hand; but I am not afraid to reveal that I think Mariotti to be a much more astute observer of the importance of OBP in the modern game. As much as I love his basketball writing (I have subscribed to “SLAM” Magazine since its premiere issue), I feel that Scoop has a lot to learn about the relative importance of walks and steals. Also, he’s a little too obsessed with Eva Longoria — while it is true that she is very attractive, I feel it unseemly that he goes on and on about her in his columns and “chats” with White writer Eric Neel. And as much as I feel that Mariotti is a poor benighted blue-eyed devil, he impressed me by being able to both beatbox and freestyle on the theme of the importance of Ramadan — at the same time!

Let me just say that an agreement was reached. No blood will flow in the streets of Chicago over this “beef,” and God will not have to blow the winds of change over the bones of two sportswriters who are better served by reporting the news that’s on the field, rather than the false trumped-up “news” about who said what first, and to whom, and in what order. There will be peace between these two brothers on this issue. I am glad to be of service. As-Salaam-Alaikum.

Minister Louis Farrakhan is the head of the Nation of Islam. His favorite hip-hop album is DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince’s “And in This Corner,” and his favorite team is the Chicago White Sox.