First of all, I want to thank everybody out there for all your love and support. I’m one of the most-searched women on the internet and that makes me very proud. I am so thankful to all of you for continuing to search, buy, download, and fondle yourselves over pictures of my amazing body — knowing that makes all the hard work totally worth it! Special thanks goes to those of you who were thoughtful enough to write me when the country we all love took a turn for the worse with the swearing-in of a Democratic Congress. We live in troubled times and it doesn’t help to have tofu-eating gun-haters running things. I appreciate that some of you took the time to think of me in these difficult moments and wrote with your prayers, consolations, or simply to tell me why liberals are the real terrorists threatening America. We’ll all get through this together, I promise! You guys are such loyal, caring fans, you really are. That’s what motivates me to keep doing things for you — anything from sexy new photo shoots to hosting an impressive line of Gold Digger Poker products exclusively for sale on my website. It’s that kind of loyalty that keeps me coming back to Yard Work to write for you, the cutest fantasy baseball stat geeks anywhere on the internet. Thank you for keeping me in your dreams and keep wanking in front of my photos because I can feel the love, I really can!!

I also must thank those of you who wrote in about Kris’ injury. Yes, the Benson family is very sad about this and the kids won’t stop crying about it. The first time we told them the news, they were afraid that there wouldn’t be any money if Daddy can’t pitch and that we’ll all be out on the street. I told them it wasn’t true and put them to bed because they wouldn’t shut up about it. Then I led Kris into the bedroom to stroke my aching body with his good arm. But a lot of you are probably wondering how he became injured in the first place. Well, my man is a horse both on and off the field. Between the Orioles riding his right arm all season long and me riding him every night at home, it’s a lot for one man to handle. He even returned from a devastating mid-season injury and pitched brilliantly for the Orioles at the end of the season. It’s the Orioles’ damn fault that there wasn’t a pennant race waiting for him when he came back, but do you think that matters to Kris? No, my man puts every drop of his energy into each one of his starts, no matter if his team is in first place or in last. But you know the old baseball saying “you can’t hit a five-run homer”? Well, you can’t make up a 27-game deficit with only three starts from Kris Benson.

Kris obviously loses here because with the exception of pleasuring me orally, baseball is his favorite thing in the world and now he won’t get to play it in 2007. But the Orioles are the biggest losers out of all this. They’ve been stuck in fourth place for a million years now and have little hope of improving without Kris. Their pitching situation keeps getting worse and worse. They’ve also lost some Easy Rider-wannabe for the season due to a motorcycle accident, which just goes to show how irresponsible those Mexicans are and why they have no business taking jobs and drivers licenses from hard-working Americans who need them. So too bad, Orioles. You guys are screwed this season. I also plan to get screwed — a lot! — because my husband will be home all the time! And since he won’t be able to pitch for months, it’ll be up to me to do the pitching while he handles the catching!