Listen up, you bunch of Krispy Kreme-eating civilians: THERE IS NO SUSPENSE LEFT in the season. All the playoff races are set, yo, they’re in da book, da book is shut and returned to the library and someone else has already checked it out.

Wait — what? You don’t know how it’s all gonna turn out? Then you, my friends, are not men and/or women of science. Because those of us in the know (meaning ME, duh) already know how this thang is gonna work out. It’s easy if you know how. Check it.

The White Sox are going to win the Central by taking two of three from Detroit and then winning the first and third games against Cleveland, which will be the wild card team. This will be a big shock to some of you morons, but come on, it’s all about the matchups. It’ll be interesting, for sure; I have those last three games going 5-4 Sox, 13-8 Tribe, and then 6-3 Sox, with Crede hitting a two-run shot in the 7th inning to ice it. But it won’t really matter, because Cleveland will also beat whoever they end up matching up with in their series.

That team will be either Anaheim (Oakland, you’re done like a Ball Park Frank, go home and lick your wounds and come back next year and win 97 games to win a wild one next year) or the Yanqs, who will win the East. This will be courtesy of the Toronto Bleu Jayz, who will go all Tampa on the Socks of Redness this week. The series will be over before it begins. That will not, of course, stop medieval TV pundits from hyperventilating over it all, but if you idiots listen to those idiots then you are double idiots. No offense.

I would, by the way, love a Red Sox / White Sox series…but keep dreamin’, ain’t gonna happen. Also: New York kind of sucks, but Boston sucks more, plus they’re all goddy and arrogant, so screw ’em. It’s Chi vs. Cleveland for the pennant, with Cleveland winning it.

Over in the senior circuit, the Gigantes will come from behind to beat the Padres. This is just math: they will beat the Pods in two of the remaining three games, then slap around the Diamondbacks like Paul Newman vs. Sally Field in “Absense of Malice.” I got Bonds hitting only three home runs the rest of the way, but they’ll all be dramatic. He’ll finish in the top ten for MVP or your name isn’t Forrest Gump. The Padres won’t even be able to win that last series against the Dodgers. They’re over, easy peavy, gangreeneous, get on home loretta.

The Astros got it all sown up for wild card, they end the season with four games against the Cubs which they will win 10-5, 5-1, 4-9 (Derrek Lee hits a cycle for NINE RIBBIES in this one, it’s gonna be fun), then 6-0 to close it out. Anyone who thinks the Phillies have a prayer need to check themselves B4 they wriggedy-wreck themselves.

Playoffs: doesn’t matter. Cardinals will cruise, then crush the Cleveland Spiders 4-1 to avenge last year’s loss. Carpenter hasn’t looked too sharp but he’ll win two games in the Series, a foregone conclusion. Look for Game Three to be the best game, when John Rodriguez and Casey Blake both have dramatic triples in the sixth and eighth innings, respectively; but there’s too much Pujols and not enough Coco, and Grady Sizemore will look more like Tom Sizemore under the lights.

Sorry if I spoiled anything for you. I would have put a big SPOILER ALERT for you up top, but I subscribe to a strict “Policy of Truth.” Place your bets now, reach out and touch faith, and thanks for playing the MLB 2005 season with us. Smell you later!

P.S. The best album of the year is Go West by Gomez. Two discs of live madness in San Francisco. I was there, man — Ben O is the best blues singer ever, and there is no greater drummer than Olly Peacock. Deal with that.

“Spartacus” is one of the country’s leading sabermetricians, even though he was denied entrance into this year’s convention in Toronto this summer due to some wack-ass jealous bullshit from some people he won’t mention. He recently became engaged to the beauteous Judith.