Hi, I’m columnist Ray Barone, and I’m baaaaaaaaaaaa-aaack!

I am very grateful to the good people here at Yard Work for taking a chance on a guy that everyone thought was all washed up. I mean, the last few months haven’t been too great for me. My brother Robert, one of New York City’s finest, was fatally shot in a “friendly fire” incident during a crackhouse raid in June. My mother had a stroke upon hearing the news, and now lives with us, virtually paralyzed and unable to communicate. My father’s mind finally snapped (what was left of it, anyway! haha! ya gotta laugh through the tears, people!) and now resides in Oak Lane, a fine nursing establishment very close. Sadly, the strain of caring for my mother full-time as well as taking care of our three children was too much for my wife Debra to take, and she left me at the end of July; the last I heard, she was living with the nurse who took care of her when she got her most recent breast implants, and stripping part-time to pay for crystal meth. In the immortal words of Yogi Berra, “Good riddance to that shrill harridan.”

Obviously, I’ve had to give up my cushy sports columnist gig at New York Newsday — with three children and an incontinent immobile mom at home, it’s kind of hard to travel with the Mets or the Yankees or the Giants or whatever team I used to travel with when I’d go away. And losing that money and security has been tough. But I’m back on my feet now, and ready to serve my new employers with some of my traditional high-octane wit and insight, full of heart and soul, zingers and weepers, hilarity and deep sentimentality. To re-introduce myself to your readers, I’m going to do one of those great time-honored “I BELIEVE” columns that everyone does when they start up anew. Ready? I hope so, because some of these are kind of “out there”! Here goes….

I BELIEVE that baseball is the great American game, and that it can truly bring people together, like it brought together me and my father, who you wouldn’t really know I was related to other than that we both really like sports.
I BELIEVE that players who use steroids are cheaters and anyone who apologizes for them is just an apologist.
I BELIEVE that there is nothing like the smell of peanuts and Cracker Jacks.
I BELIEVE that you don’t have to choose between a home run and a ground-out to second that moves a runner over to third…you can have both!
I BELIEVE that the novels of Susan Sontag are actually underrated.
I BELIEVE that Pete Rose should be in the Hall of Fame, but with an asterisk.
I BELIEVE that there is no more exciting play in baseball than a triple, except for a triple play, or a walk-off victory, or perhaps a strikeout with the bases loaded, which is pretty good too.
I BELIEVE that my daughter is dating a gang member, and that she might be pregnant. She won’t talk to me though.
I BELIEVE that Depends is really falling down on the old adhesive front. Come on, guys, give a fella a break here.
I BELIEVE that Albert Pujols is a good player, and that Tony Womack is not.

Well, it’s been great getting back on the ol’ horse here at Yard Work. I’ll give my all for you guys, and I hope we enjoy this ride together.

Ray Barone is a former “sports columnist” for New York Newsday.