hi! i’m JIM THOME (not to be mixed up w/ TO SAGOOCHEE), and this is the RANK INDEX. so many people enjoyed my last column that E$PN asked me to come back! thanks!

before i begin, i have to apologize for my behavior last week. i haven’t been hitting the ball well – my back is killing me! ow! anyway, i took some pills for my back, but i didn’t count them out right, so i was kinda silly about things. mr. wade, mr. manuel, ms. fanatic – i’m sorry! i don’t want to play for new york! i’ll hit lots of hrs for you this week to make up for it! philly power!

anyway, i don’t like being mean, because anger is bad, and doesn’t solve anything. (i was teammates with albert belle back when he was joey – that wasn’t fun at all!) anyway, this week, i want to talk about red teams versus blue teams, because those are some of my favorite colors! here we go!

JIM THOME RANK INDEX

RED TEAMS

1) RED SOX – i think keith foulke is hurt! he hasnt looked good at all. i donot know if the red sox can win with him as their closer. i think their starters should pitch more innings to keep the bullpen healthy and fresh. they have lots of hurt pitchers, tho – even curt schilling! i don’t play online games like curt does – doug glanville showed me his game once, but i couldn’t understand how he could play with a bunch of online losers. i’m a fan of dig dug. and tempest! vector graphix are the best! anyway, they should be in first place soon, if the yankees are not in first place yet. they can really hit. also, manny and i are like this son! (hi dave chapelle’s show!)

2) CARDINALS – mark mulder is pitching with the lights out! i donot know why the oakland as traded him to the national league – i hate facing good lefty pitchers! (oh no! i called SO TAGOOCHEE TO SAGOOCHEE! i am SO sorry! ha ha ha ha ha!) i’m trying to look at the E$PN statistical page for the cardinals (the best statistical page in the internet!), but all i see is an ad for maxim magazine with that desperate housewive lady. she’s pretty, but it is only early may – she should not be at the beach! it’s cold! also, the angels are stupid for trading david eckstein to the national league. he is great! they should give out awards to players what overcome great obstacles, like height or weight or lots of strikeouts.

3) ASTROS – i donot know why the astros have red in their uniforms. i remember when i was growing up, and their uniforms were white and yellow and black and orange. they looked like garbage! but they were good! now, they have nicer uniforms, but the team is bad! remember that roger clemens commercial? where they showed him using barrels of rice to make his arm stronger? i tried that a few years ago. it didn’t work too well – no one told me that the rice was not supposed to be cooked! i wasted lots of butter, too!

4) ANGELS – they are stupid. i know i said saying bad things is bad, but they are stupid. their new shortstop is stupid. their new third baseman is stupid. their first baseman used to play football – hes stupid too. and their manager was a catcher – catchers are hella stupid!

5) REDS – i almost forgot about them! i really hope griffey doesn’t get hurt again. he is setting a bad example for young players out there. back when i was a rookie, griffey was the best player! he could run into walls, fall on his face, get hit with pitches, and he was great! now, he can’t run the bases without hurting himself. what’s a young player going to think when they see an older player getting hurt all the time? i donot like that at all. they should play willy mopenya more.

BLUE TEAMS

1) BLUE JAYS – they are one of those moneyball teams, right? does that mean they make lots of money? ha ha ha ha! they can never win because they have the yankees and the red sox in their division. also, they are canadian, and it would not be good in this war on terra to have a foreign power defeat the united states in baseball. i am proud to be an american, where at least i think i am free! and i’m happy i don’t have to play a canadian team anymore – i cannot speak canadian! i think gregg zaun is the last person in a list of all baseball players ever – you can look it up!

2) DODGERS – vin scully is old! and eric gange is canadian. they cannot win, either.

3) CUBS – ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! nomar hurt his GROIN! ha ha ah ahahahah ahahahaha! omg! and mike REMLINGER! ha ha ha ha! do you have to let it REMLINGER! ha ha ha ha ahahah! oh no i am rotf! (not really!)

4) METS – they’re blue and orange, unlike the orioles – they’re just orange. i heard that jose reyes can’t walk. maybe he pulled his GROIN! ha ahahaha hahahhaha! pedro martinez is mean – he better not throw at me or bob or pat, or we’re going to drink a can of whupass and burp in his face!

5) BREWERS – i would talk about the royals, but they’re boring, and i talked about them last week. the brewers are a good team! they have lots of moxie! and beer! because they are the brewers! they used to have a pitcher that could hit, but they let him go, because he was no good at pitching or hitting. i think i was teammates with russel branyan way back when. he was a first baseman, and i was a first baseman. i spread nasty rumors about him and his sexual hygeine, and i kept my job. (also, i was good back then!) sorry, russel! i hope the lice and that fungus rash were easy to get rid of! i will buy you a philly sandwich when you come into town! no hard feelings i hope!

ok! that is it for this week, but stay tuned for a bonus feature this week! my friend ryan sandberg talks about how teams are facing each other, and he compares them to hits. i might do that, but with strikeouts! look out!

this week, the phillies are gonig to the big apple to play the mets and teh cubs! but the cubs are in chicago, so we are going there to play them. wish me luck! ttfn from bbtn! (ROFFEL)