What a time to be a hockey fan! At least, that’s what people that follow hockey told me. When I was approached by Ward York — who runs a little website you might be reading right now — to write about the hockey playoffs, I told him that didn’t make any damn sense. Everything I know about hockey comes from that one time I ran into Eric Lindros puking up what looked like a mix of Geno’s and orange juice outside some Philly dive, and that great scene in that classic movie Swingers where Vince Vaughn makes Gretzky’s head bleed for super fan 99 over there. Other than that, it might as well be something I don’t know a damn thing about, like women’s basketball or nutrition. So that’s what I told my buddy Ward, and I went back to my game of Tapped Out, thinking that was that. (& don’t get me started on that stupid game. I can’t believe, in 2015, people expect me to pay to play a game you gave me for free. That’s like going to a restaurant and getting forks and plates but no food. What the heck am I supposed to eat? The napkin? I’m on a low fiber diet over here!) (Anyway, hit me up on Facebook if you’re playing; everyone I know “IRL” is too “mature” to bother with “playing” “games” like “this.”)
Then, not 5 minutes after I hit SEND, he came back again, almost begging me to do it. He mentioned some stuff about “the outsider’s perspective” and “a fresh outlook” and “liking the cut of my jowls” (ha ha ha Ward), and I mentioned to him that, a lot of times, asking guys to do things in sports they don’t do all that often doesn’t really work out. See: Me trying to lay down a bunt, or Bartolo Colon trying to hit, or Jose Canseco pitching, or a whole lot of examples. But I guess good old Ward doesn’t believe in evidence, because he just kept on adding zeroes to that paycheck and insisted I take a stab at it. Hey — I’m only human. And maybe looking to replace a cheap BBQ pit. So, without further to-do, here’s my HOT ICE! (Yeah, I know something about hockey — I’m not that stupid!)
Western Conference Finals: Anaheim Ducks vs. Chicago Blackhawks
First of all — they haven’t gotten to the Stanley Cup yet? It’s the middle of May! And,last I checked, you’re playing on ice! How does that even work? What the heck is the A/C bill like in California? & I thought the NHL was almost bankrupt or dissolved or something? I mean, I know for a fact that they’re not on ESPN anymore, so I doubt they’re making that much money.
Anyway, looking at the stats for both these teams, it looks like it’s a wash. The Ducks have a guy that scored more goals than anyone on the Blackhawks, but the Blackhawks look like they have more guys that scored more goals, though I guess one of their big goal scorers is out for a while? Oh, wait, I’m sorry — he’s back! And doing pretty well, I guess? Goals are like home runs, right? I guess that makes assists RBIs or something? Anyway, that Patrick Kane looks like he’s pretty good; I bet the Ducks wish they had someone as good on their team. Though I guess that Corey Perry’s pretty good, too. (Man, I’m really earning that pool right now!)
With the offenses looking pretty even, I guess it’s like they always said: It comes down to pitching and defense to win the championship. And, if a goalie’s ERA is anything to go by, the Ducks’ Frederik Andersen is going to run circles — or skate circles, I guess? — around the two guys Chicago’s been going with inside the goal. Obviously, any hockey team worth their stones goes with their ace with the game on the line, & the fact that the Blackhawks can’t seem to make up their mind as to who their ace is means they really don’t have one. That’s a tough thing to overcome, especially in a short series like this one. That’s why I’m going with Anaheim in 5. (Also, I really like those Mighty Ducks movies. Emilio Estevez is an underrated actor, and these movies are proof. Except for the one he’s not in. Obviously.)
Eastern Conference Finals: Tampa Bay Lightning vs. (New York Rangers / Washington Capitals)
[NOTE: Hey Ward, or whatever “lucky” intern’s editing this (hey meat) — since you guys wanted this filed ASAP, and I guess that Rangers / Capitals series is still going, and I got things to do for my “real” job, I wrote this so it’ll be easy to slot in the appropriate winner of that series. I’m putting all of the “flexible” stuff in square brackets. Just make sure you or your stupid interns don’t post this online without making those changes. OK! & hey Ward — lemme know when you want to come on down to my little straw hut for some ribs! Unless it’s on a Sunday. Obviously.]
So I guess hitting 53 goals means [a lot / nothing] when making a Game Seven prediction. No doubt Alex Ovechkin [regrets / savors] opening his big mouth and [keeping / putting] his foot [out of / into] it. That was a great game, though! I can’t believe it [went into overtime / was a nailbiter / was a blowout]! Did you see that [play] [player name] made? It was like he was [stupid hockey saying]! What a tremendous [effort / blunder]! And I just love that tradition of [shaking hands at the end of a playoff series / getting into a bench-clearing brawl]. It’s a perfect show of what makes hockey great.
At any rate, with a team as good as [New York / Washington] going up against a team as good as Tampa Bay — who I didn’t even know had a hockey team, never mind a good one — it should be a great playoff series, and whoever comes out on top has a shot at taking home the Stanley Cup as well.
As for who can take it, who knows? Once you get this deep into the playoffs — and boy are the NHL playoffs Chicago-deep-dish deep (with a side of twisty bread!) — it’s anybody’s game. A bounce here or a passed ball there can make all the difference. That’s why you bother playing the games. Otherwise, you can just throw computers up in the air and see who comes out on top, and I’m sure Tampa Bay and [New York / Washington] don’t want to do that. You can throw your stats right out the window with the baby, the bath water, and maybe even the bath. It just comes down to who wants it more, and this guy here will take the intestinal fortitude of folks that have to deal with ice and snow 6 months out of the year over a bunch of dudes that wake up to palm trees and sunshine every day. It’ll be a tough one, with [Alex Ovechkin / Rick Nash] needing a lot of help from [other Capitals / other Rangers — you pick, Ward] in order to succeed. I think the [Rangers / Capitals] will pull through, though. That’s why I’m saying [Rangers / Capitals] in 7. [NOTE: If you guys want to change the number of games, or just rewrite this whole stupid thing, that’s fine. You’re the “experts.”]
Now let’s lace up those skates, put some pine tar on those sticks, say a prayer to the Hanson Brothers, and kick some HOT ICE!
Former MLB All-Star John Kruk has been an ESPN baseball analyst since 2004, and joined the ESPN Sunday Night Baseball broadcast team in 2013. He was inducted into the Philadelphia Baseball Wall of Fame in 2011.