Hello, baseball fans! It’s me, Sr. Mary St. John Fisher, the voice behind nunwholovesthebrewers.blogspot.com, the fifth most popular Brewers site in the entire world! God bless the people at Yard Work for this opportunity to write about my favorite team, and the newest member of their rotation, Mr. Jeff Suppan.
Some sillies on the Internet have been criticizing this signing, but it’s pretty clear that they don’t really know what’s going on here. First of all, stop going around saying that Suppan is a #1 or #2 starter — we already have Ben Sheets and Chris Capuano, and actually this year that order will probably end up being reversed half the time. And no, he’s not overpriced for a #3, not if he does well for us anyway. Off the top of my wimple, I can think of ten free agents that are more overpriced than Jeff…and they all play for the Cubs! Buh-doom PISH!
(If I were you, Mr. Joe Sheehan, I’d spend a little less time insulting the Brewers’ defense, and a little more time in prayer. Not all problems can be solved with libel and snark, sir. I expected better from you.)
Even more importantly, “Soup” is a great guy to have in the clubhouse. I know clever-clever little sabermetricians are fond of talking about small sample sizes (gee, think they’re really just talking about themselves?), but they don’t exactly just hand out NLCS MVP awards and World Series rings to just anyone. [And I don’t suppose many of these jokers understand a little thing called park factors — if they did, they’d notice his 1.76 ERA pitching in Miller Park! That ain’t just whistlin’ Dixie.] Soup will bring all his timeless knowledge and winning attitude to a young team that stopped listening to Geoff Jenkins long ago.
But let’s get to the real reason that I’m excited about the Jeff Suppan Era up here — he is a man of deep convictions. I won’t pretend I’m not concerned for the state of my players’ souls, and a lot of them just seem so young and malleable to me. Without proper guidance, I could see Prince Fielder getting sucked into that whole “stem cells are awesome” movement. And Corey Hart is just such a baby, all 6’6″ of him! I happen to know that Doug Davis, God bless him, was a HUGE supporter of this evil “research” tool; I’ve already notified some of our sisters out there in Phoenix to work on him. But now that Soup — a world-class character guy — is in the clubhouse, I am no longer worried that too many of them will end up in a lake of fire for all eternity!
Listen, I don’t make too much fuss about politics on my blog or anywhere. But I’ll go out on a limb here and say that with this charming and charismatic hurler, a devout Catholic, on the roster, we will win 101 games and ace the NL Central going away. And when we get to the playoffs…well, just remember what he did last October, Brewers fans.
Wow — “Brewers” and “October” in the same sentence. It’s been a long time.
Sr. Mary St. John Fisher is the writer and publisher of the website nunwholovesthebrewers.blogspot.com. It is the fifth most popular Brewers blog in the world.