New York Yankees vs. Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim
TS: Aaron Small or Gary Cherone? Lucky — yes. Pretty — no. Fucking old — yes and yes again. (Shawn Chacon is Nunu Bettencourt, reason enough for those pinstripes to don vanity license plates.) The Yanks en largesse are tres Bon Jovi, proof positive on both counts that the US is just one big Jersey ‘burb — “Have a Nice Day” indeed. Vlad is Eddie Van Halen, the alpha and the omega, yin and the yang, vodka and tonic. Gah, enough muse-ic — on a landscaping crew, Erstad would clean gutters, Anderson fake-trim hedges, Colon down Little Debbies, K-Rod weed-eat the fuck out of my goddamned flowers. Just worthless, from top to bottom. Yankees in 4
Boston Red Sox vs. Chicago White Sox
I am not to be trusted — “Just a rock critic,” snaps Hoberman, that style-stealing wanksta — but the ChiSox have popped my can all year long. Gimme no-talent how’d-they-do-thats over gee-whiz pyros any day (i.e. Johnny Thunders should strangle Hendrix with a guitar string right about now). And so who knows how these Alabaster Sox win, but win they do. If our country was worth two damns Contreras would be this postseason’s sob-story but fuck if we don’t hate immigrants, too. Instead it’s who — that redneck Rowand? Speaking of rednecks, who’s to say that New England’s got class? There’s something about this Sox team that screams KISS REUNION even if Pedro and his midge are Queens-stranded. Wake me for “Black Diamond.” Red Sox in 5
San Diego Padres vs. St. Louis Cardinals
In St. Louis they take two things seriously: baseball and Nelly, which suits me so long as we’re talking Country Grammar and not that corpo-job “Air Force Ones.” And considering the Padres’ postseason presence, maybe I mean pre-three divisions, too. Ignore the pundit bullshit: the Padres have only hope to win this series — a plane crash. And maybe even their own. Cardinals in 3
Houston Astros vs. Atlanta Braves
Atlanta fans, help me out here: why should I care? Fourteen straight is hard to fuck with but can you thrill it up a little? Not this year, cuz the ‘Stros are The Team To Beat, with arms like British Madonna and bats like… well, let’s not talk about those. Still, Andruw can’t pout his way around the bases and Chipper’s done like Goodie Mob. Hate to bear the bad news, but Astros in 4