I’m madder than a vegan at the World’s Largest Brat-fest about steroids in Major League Baseball!

When the good Lord put us on this earth, he gave some of us some special talents. Some are really good painters, some can figure out the U.S.’s antiquated tax code, and some are very very good at sitting around and demanding handouts from the government. I call those people “liberals”! Ha ha! But not really, as I am the senator for all the constituents of the great state of Arizona, good God-fearing people and dirty damned hippies alike.

Take me, for instance. I am blessed with the ability of mental toughness. When I was being held captive in that hellhole in Vietnam, other men would have snapped like a comic on BET about your mother. But due to what I call “my inner bulldog,” I persevered. And I continue to persevere unto this day, and, Jesus willing, tomorrow, and maybe next Thursday as well.

So when some people are given the ability to hit a baseball thrown at speeds of close to 100 miles per hour, and they seek to get better at it by injecting substances into their bodies, it makes me more furiouser than a Wiccan at a baptism. This is an abomination before the Lord, and it has to cease.

Not only are steroids bad for the body, they are bad for the mind. I have heard stories about people going plumb loco on the happy pills. You’re never going to catch John McCain going loco due to drugs! No, my craziness came about in a perfectly natural fashion: trying to pretend to liberals that I have a sense of perspective about the Republican Party, when in fact I have always been a dyed-in-the-wool conservative who told “Chelsea Clinton is ugly” jokes back when the wee thing was just a teenager. Another factor, of course, is how hard I have been trying to pretend to conservatives that I don’t hate them all for voting for a man who ran on moral reasons but spread rumors about my mental health and my adopted child just to win the South Carolina primary. I guess you can say I got my crazy the good old-fashioned natural way, just as the Holy Spirit intended!

Like all white men, I have always been a fan of baseball. So when I got the chance to lead the nation on this crucial issue, you bet I seized it by the ears and hair and refused to let it go until I was good and done with it. And I ain’t done yet! I will never be done until I rid the nation of the scourge of baseball players taking steroids, or until I have to start prevaricating about whether or not I will run for president, at the age of 70, without the backing of the conservative Christian movement. Because that will definitely hamper my ability to posture about steroids.

Until then, however, I will remain madder than a long-haired commie European soccer player who suddenly realized that he will have to lose his legs due to his country’s inadequate socialist medical system…about EVIL BAD STEROIDS FROM OUTER SPACE!

John McCain is the senior senator from Arizona. He also writes the “Ed Anger” column for the Weekly World News.