“Those around the Dodgers believe that Juan Pierre will be the everyday left fielder to begin the season, while Andre Ethier and Matt Kemp platoon in right.” – John Perrotto, BaseballProspectus.com, February 24, 2008

Those around the Red Sox believe that Bobby Kielty will be the everyday left fielder to begin the season, while Manny Ramirez sits on the bench and continually rubs reliever Julian Tavarez’s head.

Those around the Yankees believe that outfielder Melky Cabrera will start the season in the cleanup spot, while Alex Rodriguez will bat 9th, to prepare him for the postseason.

Those around the Giants believe that a starting outfield of Randy Winn, Aaron Rowand, and Dave Roberts, along with catcher Bengie Molina hitting cleanup, will help them compete for a division championship or wildcard spot. Meanwhile, representatives of the other NL West teams sit back, laugh, and enjoy another mojito.

Those around the New England Patriots believe that, in the light of their stunning defeat in Super Bowl XLII, the team must be blown up and refashioned, starting with ineffective quarterback/socialite Tom Brady, showboating me-first receiver Randy Moss, and hooded MILF-monger Bill Belichek. Meanwhile, former first round draft pick Jeff George just added owner Robert Kraft to his Fave 5.

Those around “American Idol” believe that the vicious feud brewing between Ryan Seacrest and Simon Cowell will eventually tear the show apart. Seacrest is seen as the crucial linchpin, so Cowell will be gone before the end of the current run, probably by Easter.

Those around U2 believe that drummer Larry Mullen, Jr. will be taking over both lead vocal and guitar duties on their upcoming album, while Bono and The Edge switch to drums – Bono will handle the bass pedal and high-hat, while The Edge mans the snare (and the octagonal drums or windchimes, if necessary).

Those around funnyman Carrot Top believe that he is super-sexy and hilarious, while Richard Pryor rolls over in his grave and wishes the motherfucker would finally shut up.

Those around Barack Obama believe that he will soon concede the Democratic nomination to Hillary Rodham Clinton in the interest of party unity and harmony, while Vice President Dick Cheney retires to an undisclosed location to feast on the flesh of aborted fetuses. And worship Cthulhu. And cheat on his taxes. And bake oatmeal cookies. Without raisins.