Once again, friends of mine, a hello! It is me, your own personal doctor for the Jockish, Ricardo Salvay, here to discuss with the likes of you some injuries that I have been read for about! Specially today, we have a triad — a three ring circus, if you could — from the National Basketball Association, or as my friends liked to call it back home in Sicily, “that version of the sport with the lack of fundamentals and defense and all the dunking and tattoos.” But you should know I am already kidding! It is a game that we must love, according to famous movie star of sexiness Dyan Cannon. So let us get it on!

Least of all, we have the hurting shoulder of Orlando Magic point person Jameer Nelson. In case you have been aware of nothing, Nelson hurt his torn shoulder labrum, and had repair surgery to his shoulder to end his basketball this season, which I do not agree with 100%. Labrum actually stands for “lip” in its original Latin form, which means that Nelson really has what some educated doctors like to call a “busted lip.” And you know what it calls for that? The shoulder version of chap stick! Meaning a nice & tight sling for your shoulder and adjoining jointed areas, and some cool restorative salve!

You see, the problem with doctors (like this Mr. James Andrews doctor person) is that they see the word “tear” and “ligament” and they immediately think “surgery” without more than a second or third thought. They cannot wait long enough to get their scalpels and other metal objects into your body to do their work and justify their ridiculous paycheck. And the lot of it has to do with so-called “physicians” not practicing enough so called “preventative medicine.” If you are basketballing and are at risk of tearing a labrum by landing on your shoulder? Land on it on purpose! A lot! Get into the rough house with it! Toughen up that labrum like it stuck you with a ridiculous bar tab for your birthday in Ibiza and then had sex with your then-girlfriend in the Privilege bathroom hallway (and don’t think I’ve forgotten, Francesca — I cannot drop my Ecstasy all alone without crying a little and thinking of your no-tan lines)! So, yes, give yourself a nice “fat lip” through rigorous and wanton abuse, and the only tears you have to worry about are the checks you tear up that you will not have to write to doctors and their scalpels!

And since you know me well enough by now, you can imagine what I will say about a detached retina! The eye is a very important organ for people, because it allows you to see things as they really are. But especially for athletes, like Amar’e Stoudemire! And when your retina detaches, it is obviously hard to see the way you want. But, again, is the answer always surgery for these things? Could you not put faith into the restorative body powers, and just let it heal as nature wants it? Cuts heal on their own, with a little help and tender loving care — why not bigger injuries as well? Don’t assume that invasive surgery and two months of rest will fix every sort of ouchie boo boo. Be sure that you take your time and do it naturally! A little eye patch to let the eye (which did you know is an organ?) rest, a little topical numbing agent the patient can choose to soothe the orbital socket area (also known as “around the eye”), and a little elapsed time to let the retina re-attach itself. In about 36 months’ time, you can remove the eyepatch and have nearly unaffected vision in at least 50% of your eyes! And then commence with the dunking and open-field traveling, Amar’e!

Now there is at least one person who I see is doing the right thing and listening to what God has to say about their body. Mr. Kevin Garnett hurt his knee doing absolutely nothing out of the ordinary except whatever hurt him. Therefore, the only thing that is sensible is to do nothing out of the ordinary to let it heal. Just relax, pretend like nothing is happening to it, and the world in the sky will keep on turning like Journey says. Honestly, I do not understand the need for doctors to doctor all over the place — they are like lawyers, except lawyers can’t remove your appendix very easily! So remember, people — when it comes to your physical well being, don’t let a professional do what you can try to do for yourself. A dollar in the hand is worth two or three in the hands of someone else! And until I say something else, this is Dr. Ricardo Salvay, telling you to please wait until I come back!

Dr. Ricardo Salvay is currently writing a online doctoral dissertation on the treatment of lung cancer through bloodletting and trepanation.