This is the time of year when you’re supposed to gather with friends and family and reflect on things you’re thankful for. But Rickey Henderson ain’t thankful for sh-t! There are some dudes out there signing some pretty big contracts. But are any of them named Rickey? Hell no! Is Rickey’s phone ringing? Rickey hasn’t heard it!
Here are some things that Rickey ain’t thankful for:
– Scott Boras. Man, f-ck a Scott Boras! Scott Boras goes up there and writes a big old book on Johnny Damon and says that Johnny Damon is better than Rickey Henderson? Scott Boras has some nerve. Rickey’s seen Johnny Damon. You think Rickey Henderson wouldn’t walk around with a paper bag over his face all day if he had that noodle arm and that stupid haircut? Please! Johnny Damon should be ashamed of himself. Rickey even saw one game where Johnny Damon jumped into a wall in center field because he was too stupid to just stop running. You think Johnny Damon has the lizard-like instincts that allow Rickey Henderson to stop on a dime like only Rickey Henderson, or a lizard, can? Fuck a Johnny Damon!
– The Los Angeles Dodgers. That whole Moneyball sh-t sure worked out, huh? They fired that stupid punk Paul DeProvenza, all right! Serves him right – did you see the chumps they had playing left field last year? The Los Angeles Dodgers are disgraceful. Jason Grabowski? Jayson Werth? Rickey Henderson will tell you what Jayson Werth ain’t werth – a job in the outfield of the LA Dodgers. Even that Milton Bradley is a sorry-ass ballplayer. Milton Bradley should stick to making board games instead of pretending he can play in the big leagues. (Rickey likes that Mouse Trap game, though!)
– Having a birthday on Christmas. This is some real bullsh-t. When Rickey was a little kid, Momma used that same old lame-ass excuse to get out of giving good presents. “This is for your birthday and Christmas combined.” Man, funk dat! Birthday and Christmas combined means you get a stocking with a busted-ass orange in the toe and a couple Wacky Packages! Chock Full o’ Bolts? Bull! This year, Rickey was watching “Scrooged” on A&E and Rickey Jr. was all, “Here, Dad,” and he only gave me like one pair of underwear! Them sorry-ass old Jockey shorts with The Pouch! Is Mrs. Rickey telling Rickey Jr. something Rickey Jr. shouldn’t know about Little Rickey?
– Getting old. That’s some garbage right there. Rickey thinks people shouldn’t get old like they do, getting all senile and busted hip like that. It’s wrong, and it’s not right. Rickey now knows more than Rickey ever did, and Rickey should be able to do something with this! For real money! That Jacque Jones, what’s he do? Nothing, that’s what. He ain’t even the best Twin out there – that’s Tory Hunter. Hell, he ain’t even the best Jones! But he’s getting paid. He’s getting paid with money that Rickey should be getting. Jones is taking money away from Rickey because he’s younger than Rickey. That’s age racism, and Rickey ain’t happy with that. Try putting that under a Christmas tree.
– Pitchers. They ain’t worth it. Folks be trading for pitchers, or signing pitchers, and giving them all this money, and for what? They can’t do anything that Rickey can’t do, if Rickey wanted to. But they’re getting lots of money. And for what? They can’t hit. Rickey know they can’t steal bases. Any pitcher own the record for most runs scored? Didn’t think so. Hell, Rickey spent his entire Major League career making pitchers look stupid. But they still get paid, and Rickey ain’t getting jack.
– Billy Beane. His book said he’s all about folks getting on base and scoring runs. That’s what Rickey does! That’s what Rickey always does. Rickey did it for the A’s back in 1998 for Billy Beane. Billy Beane loved Rickey then – where’s the love now, Billy? The minute Rickey popped out of Rickey’s mom, he was scoring runs. Hell, Rickey came out head-first! Because that’s the way Rickey rolls – head-first, all the time. And you know who walked more than anybody ever. Lemme give you a hint – his name’s Rickey. But I guess Billy Beane doesn’t want people that walk and score runs anymore. That’s why he hasn’t won any playoff games. Because Billy Beane don’t know a damn thing about baseball. If he did, you know what he’d do. He’d PAY RICKEY! That’s right.
This holiday season, give the gift of Rickey!
No comments about Julio Franco’s two-year deal, Rickey? Oh. Maybe you didn’t know. Sorry, dude.
One of the funniest pieces I have ever read.
Hey Ricky..I miss seeing you play. Are you still in the minors? See if the Tigers will hire you. My boys need some help.
Chris
chris007usa@yahoo.com
This is hilarious!! Yet, I agree with you on all points!!! Dude, come to Houston. You could start in our outfield easily, and teach Wily Tavares how to really steal bases. PAY RICKEY!!!!
On Ricky Henderson… I live in South Lake Tahoe, Cal. I was strolling thru a local establishment and noticed a man’s head. I said to myself, “I know I’ve seen that head before.” I am an avid sports fan and have watched countless games on the good old diamond. Finally, it hit me… Yes , it was Ricky Henderson. I recognized his head because when he played , he played with the utmost hustle and class. When he hustled down to first base trying to leg out a hit, his helmet would fly off of his head. When he would stretch a single into a double, or better yet a double into a triple, once again his helmet would be left spinning in the infield dirt thanks to Rickey’s style of play. Oh yeah, I almost forgot, when he took off for second, third, or even home plate. To make a long story short, Rickey, the all time stolen base leader, who is bound for the Hall of Fame, signed a couple of shirts for me when I asked him to. I also asked , ” Will you be playing in 2006? The Red Sox need a real leadoff man since the Damon trade. Rickey go back to Boston and show the country what a real leadoff man can accomplish.”
Frankie D South Lake Tahoe , Cali
When watching a game on TV No other player ever got my attention when he went to bat then rickey. Nobody tested a teams defense then rickey. I am pround to say that i have seen the BEST LEADOFFF HITTER THE PLANET HAS EVER SEEN. Please show Jose Reyes how to steal a base (he scares me when he runs.) if not they should.
PAY RICKEY
Rickey you are the greatest of all time. I wish some GM would come to his senses and hire you as a player/coach at least. Teach some of these young bucks about the lost art of base stealing. Watching and studing you got me a scholarship to a division one college and now a great paying job. Thank you
There is no finer ballplayer in my opinion than Rickey Henderson. I will be in Cooperstown when my man is inducted in the Hall of Fame!
The City of Oakland has recently dedicated a youth baseball field to Rickey Henderson. He came out for the ceremony.
I miss watching him play and frankly I would love to see him don the Green & Gold colors, and snag a base…one more time!
We’re pulling for you, Rickey. Come to New York and show those kids how Rickey gets down!
Omar, sign Rickey.
Rickey,I posted this same comment in your last article, not realizing that you had a new posting…I wanted to make sure that you read this…. Not only are you the greatest player of all times, but serious the best article writer ever. Your calling may be stand up comedy now man…i know you should still be playing in the majors, name one other boy who is still as fast as Rickey….NONE simple as that. I have been watching Rickey since back in Oakland and it was a treat to watch Rickey A. Get a lead off walk, steal second, steal third, and then steal home…and why not.. nobody could get you out, and all of a sudden it was 1-0 thanks to nobody else but Rickey. I also remember back when you played for the Mets and that stupid boy Bobby Valentine and Steve Phillips released you. They should have A. Reput Rickey Back into the game B. Renogotiate your contract for atleast 10 more years. Seriously though nobody will ever steal bases like Rickey there can only be one best evah and that\’s Rickey. We have a R. Henderson fan club here, everybody says you most famous quotes. Like Rickey\’s Hammies be hurtin this year, or dis proves that I am the best ever…after you stole the most bases ever, and then stole the base and held it high…You play the game like none other and the fact that you still can play that well is amazing. I am a METS fan, and I am begging you to come Coach for our team. We need the best ever to teach them young boys how to play just look at Jose Reyes, or even back in the day Melvin Mora. Everybody knows, or atleast everybody should know that them boys would never be as good as there are now if it werent for the number one player ever…Please respond Rickey, I would love to talk with you some….YOUR NUMBER ONE FAN Eric axelroderic@yahoo.com
yeah what ever you still suck hahhaha