A New Morning in Rickey’s America

Posted on by Rickey Henderson · Leave a comment

After an extended hiatus, Jockish is happy to return to a semi-regular posting schedule, and who better to jump start this jalopy than our old friend and first-ballot Hall of Famer Rickey Henderson?

rickey

Yes it most definitely is a new morning for Rickey!  The sun’s a little brighter when it peeks through Rickey’s curtains and dances across Rickey’s 300-thread-count sheets, the pup tent that Little Rickey pitches is a little bigger and wider (that’s right, ladies), and the daily regiment of push-ups and sit-ups that made Rickey great are making Rickey a little greater.  Today is a day that Rickey is proud to be an American in the United States of America, the Rickey of countries!  And it’s not just because today is the day that we honor the life and service of a great man like Martin Luther King, Jr., and it’s not just because Rickey has only one more day of putting up with that banana-eared honky chump as President of Rickey’s United States.  (Speaking of the President, Rickey has to get on the phone and arrange some one-on-one with our new President of the United States.  Obama might be able to stop the Iraq War and the mortgage recession, but he can’t stop Rickey when he goes baseline.  And Rickey is ambidextrous with both hands, so watch out Mr. President!)  No, it’s a new morning because today is a day that Rickey doesn’t have to hear that grumpy ass buckethead Jim Rice moan about why he’s not in the Hall of Fame.  Not that it’ll keep Jim Rice from moaning about something, but Rickey is learning to appreciate the little things in life.

Now Rickey’s not going to start in about how or what the Hall of Fame does with their business, even if their business is stupid if they don’t all vote for Rickey.  Even aside from that miscarried travesty of justice (which Rickey will let slide off that other cheek like Jesus would want), Rickey is completely OK with any institution that treats Rickey with the respect that someone of Rickey’s lofty heights deserves.  Doesn’t matter if it’s some dusty old museum in the middle of Nowhere USA or Diner’s Club upgrading his Platinum VIP membership status to Premium Platinum VIP Plus.  (Rickey’s going to The Melting Pot tonight!)  And Rickey is happy that the Hall of Fame wanted Rickey as a member, even if they also want some lip-flapping mess like Jim Rice stinking up the joint with his broke-down slow ass.  I mean, not everyone can be as fast as Rickey, but DAMN Jim.  Folks in Boston spent more time watching you ground into 6-4-3s than they did watching your chump ass lose every year to the Yankees who just so happened to feature for a very short time a fantastic Hall of Fame superstar by the name of Rickey!  The internets (which Rickey likes a whole lot, for totally wholesome Rickey-like reasons) say that Jim Rice grounded into over 300 double plays!  Rickey grounded into only 172!  And Rickey played twenty-five seasons!  Rickey’s major league career was old enough to rent a car, Jim Rice!  And he still didn’t get doubled up as much as you!  That means you were SLOW, Jim Rice.  And if you are SLOW like Jim Rice, that means you sure better be good at the other non-SLOW parts of baseball in order to be Hall of Fame good, let alone Rickey good.  And Rickey can tell you, Jim Rice, that it’d take a lot more homers and RBIs and all that “slugger” stuff before you can even come close to getting within 10 miles of someone that knows someone that’s Rickey good.

But Rickey’s problem with Jim Rice isn’t about Jim Rice the ballplayer that couldn’t run a hot bath,  nevermind run in the field.  It’s about Jim Rice the Soul-Glo couch-staining self-promoter that spent the last 15 or so years whining like a spoiled little baby about how Jim Rice won’t get into the Hall of Fame, and about not winning a World Series because of the Yankees.  Now Rickey knows it’s pretty rich for Rickey to complain about Jim Rice talking about himself.  Rickey wasn’t born yesterday.  In fact, come June Rickey will be 50 years old, and he’ll still go 4-for-4 with 3 SBs against your CC Sabathias and your AJ Burnetts and all your other letters of the alphabet.  But there is a difference.  Rickey talks about Rickey always in the positive.  Jim Rice talks about Jim Rice always in the negative.  Whenever that Richard Roundtree knockoff starts making spit all over everything, it’s all about Jim Rice boo-hoo this and Jim Rice boo-hoo that.  No one like Jim Rice, no one respects Jim Rice, the press had it out for Jim Rice, no one understands how hard Jim Rice had it playing with better players than Jim Rice.  And that’s why no one liked Jim Rice.  In Jim Rice’s world, the glass is always half-empty.  In Rickey’s world, there is no glass, because Rickey drinks straight from the tap, and never has to worry about doing the dishes.  And that’s why you always see Rickey smiling, because doing dishes is chump work.

In conlclusion, Rickey would just like to say one thing to Jim Rice, and that is this: Jim Rice, shut your yap and be happy you tricked a bunch of chumps into voting you into the Hall of Fame.  And be happy you get to share the stage with a consummate professional like the greatest basestealer and run scorer that ever played across the field from a one-trick pop-fly slugger with bum wheels and a bum mouth that got into the Hall of Fame only because the voters wanted you to shut  your yap, Jim Rice.  You don’t hear Rickey talk about those know-nothing knuckleheads that don’t think about not voting for the greatest basestealer and run scorer ever.  So take a page out of Rickey’s book, Jim Rice, and then buy Rickey a new book for ripping out that page like the slow-footed rally-killing Hall of Fame chump you are.

How I Will Fix Baseball, By Bud Selig

Posted on by Bud Selig · Leave a comment

FROM: buddymillertime@brewers.com
TO: ken.rosenthal@peter.gammons.butt.cx
CC: us.hating.liberal@media.bias.cx
BCC: hahahaah.get.it@butt.cx
SUBJECT: WAHT THE FCUK

would u clowzn thatre sooooooo upset abut things otu of my controll liek RAIN and NUCLAR i mean NUTREAL SITES and CRAPPY BAESBALL TEAM IN WORLD SERSIE SHOCKERS and FARI AND BALANECD FOXXX SPRTSXXX just go stick thier dick in a electric fence with their butss because SHUT UP!!!!1!

nwesflash DEVLPEING — being the boss has got lots of cost like no onelikign you wehen you have to make the touf choices like I did. nd I dont need uggla sideline "reporters" with/ no tits AT ALL saying thing ONE TWO THREE FORU FIVE SIX CHUNG CHUGN about what I had to do fr this bullsith sport.

so in conclusion HA SUCKRE I aint close to gettin this done

first of all everone that looooooooooooooovd the threeinning game conclusoin to this years Worlds Sersie Basebal Classic are out of LUCK because we are nott changin one thng about the game lenghts — like my dad used to say if you cnat handle the belt then stop wettign the bedd every damn nigt THWWAP ow. Every single basebal game primoses NINE FULL NINNINNGS of nonstop action and adventure like a Mathhew Modnine moove. (geeena davis boiioiooing!) nd if you DUMMBIES at the game cd actuall yhold your licker you coud drink for ALLL NINIE INNININGIS like I do evry singl day. (hstiroryians plz note that I am STONE COLD SBOER right now. CAN YOUSMELL WHAT I AM STON COLD STEVE AUSTEN COKKKING yyyyyyyyyyyyyYYYYESSSSS)

Part B. whatt teh fkCU is up w/iht everone psssing nad mnnning about playing baseball in winter or fall or whatever? lyou want to play baseball in warm weathers then you gotta either move to the south of American or you gotta GIT ARE DONE with the golbal warmings!! I am not a weatherbell maker typ eof person or something — i just bplay with teh cards that He has dealtheth. AND i cant see how anyone else could win when the y are playingg poker with only THR33 CARSDS WHAT YOU SAID.

second remember whwen I cured histyr of basebal by bangign all steroisds? yeah me and that lon chaney jounir looking guy weth the pig noze. WE FIXED THE WORLSD OF TEROIDS AND BASEBALLL FOPR THE KIDDIESZS. ndn you ungraetful sons of a bitch can’t even rember that far away can yosu/ NOOOO ist all about "gee bud i wish we coudl play less games against Kanssas City and Pitsburgh for your stupid interaluge" or "drafts slotts are stooopid" or "hey bud why is an exhibition game deciding what league has home field advantage shoudn’t that be absed on best record or somethign" and it’s all just lalalalalalala to me because NO ONE UNDERSTANDS MY PANGS

serious tho i am bummed that harry potter guot pushed back until next june wtf! at least we gets VAMPIRES w/t een sx!!! hahaha BUTT.CX!!!!!

so from me to yours and yous,,
COMMISHS BUD R SELIG EEE SSS QQQQQQ!
______________________________

Sent from my iPhone 3G

Bleep Is As Bleep Does

Posted on by Larry Bowa · Leave a comment

Heard you missed me — well, I’m back!  Gimme something to f*cking write on, man!

So, yeah, congrats to the motherf*cking Phillies for figuring out the mysteries of indoor f*cking plumbing. I have two words to say about the 2008 World Series: f*ck this sh*t. I’d rather watch Barry HUSSEIN Obama spread the wealth around like pate on a goose liver cracker with his Red socialistic f*ckbuddies than put up with another pisspoor exhibition of this sport that keeps me hat-deep in as much Yuengling and Digiorno’s as a growing boy like me can handle.

That’s why, due to popular demand IN MY F*CKING PANTS, I’m bringing back the Five Tools to count down why this was without a f*cking doubt the saddest World Series of all time. I’m talking sad like beer-goggling chubby-chasing paper-bagging wallet-stealing pimp-meeting stab-wounding bad. In case you’re new to the party, here’s what’s going on.  I’m going to count down the five things that are nipping at my *sshole like flaring hemmorhoids, and you’re going to educate yourself here and here, and then you’re gonna eat a bag of Jeterian herpes and roll your five chins back to the E$PN live chat glory hole you just had your lips around. Better take off your shoes, Jethro, it’s time to start counting!

5) THE COMMISH : I’m cutting out the sh*t and giving you pure nut — Bud F*ckbag Selig is what is wrong with f*cking America. This wall-eyed rat turd does everything he can to f*ck up one of the cushiest gigs in all of the world, and he gets a FOUR YEAR EXTENSION? What the hell would this sh*tsquirt get if he was actually trying to make baseball better, a lifetime deal and Megan Fox’s cell number? Here’s a clue, Bud — if it’s RAINING so hard you can drown Prince Fielder at 2B, and slip & slide to home plate like Rick Dempsey with a pillow down his shorts, then you CALL THE F*CKING GAME. You don’t wait until the road team somehow ties the game and THEN give the go-ahead to roll out the g*ddamn tuna net. I mean if you are so hard up to watch The Hunt For Red October , go down to your local Sanjay Store and buy it with a Coke Slurpee and some 4-day-old burritos for $5.99 you cheap wrinkly sack. I know you’re in the bag for more of that network $$$ and want as many games as you can, but how about you pretend you’re actually aren’t a shysty car salesman anymore, yank that blackhead of a f*cking brain out of your mom’s *ss, and DO THE RIGHT G*DDAMN THING FOR THE GAME OF BASEBALL THAT YOU F*CKING COMMISH OVER. And speaking of screwing the pooch in the wrong hole…

4) FOX SPORTS : Hey Bud I know having enough money to buy and sell as many ten-year-old Thai boys as you can bone is great and all, but how about getting this boy-gash cash from a network that actually gives a flying sh*t about the game they’re paying you to broadcast? I mean, it’s great that Fox Sports does FOOTBALL, but I don’t need to hear about f*cking FOOTBALL during the g*ddamn WORLD F*CKING SERIES! (Do not get me started on that light-loafer Tom Brady b*tch and last year’s Super Bowl OH SH*T YES I SAID SUPER BOWL NOT THE BIG GAME SUE ME YOU NO FUN LEAGUE G*YBOYS.)

I mean, those TBS dicks couldn’t wait to tell me more about good guys being bad guys being good guys and that fat f*ck and his sh*tty impressions between every f*cking pitch (when they actually bothered to show the game ooh how f*cking novel), but at least they pretended to give a cr*p. Joe Buck’s too tired from lifting his Easter-Island-sized d*cknibbler off his bib to bother calling half the sh*t that’s happening (aka HIS F*CKING JOB), which leaves good old Timmy Mac to fill in the gaps with his effluvious and narcolepsy-inducing nutbutter. Yeah that’s right — L-Bow’s got Roget in the motherf*cking house, and all you punguent troglodytes better f*cking make with the astute recognizance! Anyway, f*ck those two clowns with Kevin Kennedy’s acne, I’d rather hear the b*tch that does that b*tch Zelasko’s wig and makeup talk about her welfare check and stretch marks than give two pube clumps like F*ck and McC*cker any more press.

3) THE UMPIRES : Maybe this belongs in this same pile with Bud’s sh*theap, and this all really starts at the top of Selig’s pinhead, but I think the showing by this particular collection of hairless blueballs deserves some extra special attention. I’m sorry, but when did America stop being the place where folks actually worked hard to get to the top? When did it turn into this third-world country where folks get a pass for "doing their best" and are allowed to sh*t all over high-profile events because their number came up? Maybe I’m just retarded or intelligently-challenged, but I’d think it would make sense to get the BEST umpires to supervise what should be the BEST games of the season. Right? Am I huffing paint, or does that actually make f*cking sense? Or maybe I don’t know any better, and it’s in the best interest of the game to have strike zones that resemble pools of diarrhea, and have highlight shows focus on the blown calls that happened every other inning. After all, why have the best in the business do their job when you can have someone else f*cking it up? OK, I get it, it all makes sense now. Thanks for clearing that up for me, severe head trauma!

2) THE TAMPA BAY DEVIL RAYS : Yeah, that’s right, f*ck their name change. They could hang up locker-room quotes from actually GOOD writers like Mitch Albom and Dan Brown, change their name to the Greater Florida High Society 69ers, get bonafide hotties like S*sha Gr*y and J*nna J*meson to pose for their new logo, and install stripper poles on top of the dugouts, AND have Handjob Humpday specials, and they would still be the same old bunch of no-talent losers that f*ck up every year. That sh*t’s in their DNA like brown eyes and Down’s Syndrome. That they f*cked up in the World Series instead of the regular season just shows how sh*tty expansion and free agency has made baseball. Way to take down the Jizzard of Oz and the "defending World Series champions" on your way to a season-ending choke job, Tampa Bay! You should feel really proud of yourselves for overcoming those unbelievable odds and holding it in as long as you did. I’m sure America appreciates you saving the skidmarks for the World Series.  Have fun finishing in last place next year. AGAIN.

1) THE LOS ANGELES DODGERS OF MOTHERF*CKING LOS ANGELES NOT A G*DDAMN PENNY-ANTE SUBURB : First things first — I love Joe like I’d love an older, dumber, brain-damaged brother, and I wouldn’t trade anyone on this team for anything (though I’d like to send Andruw Jones to a Jack In The Box that’s serving Mad Cow burgers) (preferably in Taliban Country). But holy sh*t how the hell did we lose to the phucking Phillies? All we had to do is beat up everyone that wasn’t Hamels or Lidge, throw lefties against that phat phuck Howard, and we’re good. What happens? We let a proud graduate of the School of Brad Ausmus Knockoffs like CARLOS F*CKING RUIZ beat us like we’re Mrs. Brett Myers, we let the other Mrs. Brett Myers get almost as many RBIs as runs he gave up, and we let their entire team (including that Pat the Lucky Penthouse-Humping Piece of Fat Sh*t) take us yard. And, really, when that happens, just call it a day. Give up. You don’t deserve the air you get to breathe or the piss that comes out of your colostomy bag.

What a g*ddamn joke. If it wasn’t for Manny Ramirez (and excuse me while I come to terms with actually saying that), we would’ve been swept. And that’s some Grade A bullsh*t, that a team that almost missed the playoffs actually comes in and wins like they did with what they had (which, BTW, was Jack Michael Sh*t). Congrats, Bud. You’ve managed to take the great American pasttime and make it just as sh*tty as football. I hope your leprotic c*ck and your pants zipper have a real nice wardrobe malfunction.

If Los Angeles Dodgers third base coach Larry Bowa has five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, then Los Angeles Dodgers third base coach Larry Bowa has ten dollars.

Hot Stove Robocalls!

Posted on by Staff · Leave a comment

ED. NOTE: It’s not just the Republican presidential campaign that’s resorting to questionable robocalls!  The following transcripts come from calls that have been reported in MLB cities and their surrounding areas. If you or someone you know has encountered one of these calls, send the transcript to newsflash@jockish.com. If they check out, we’ll post them ASAP!

"Hello, I’m calling on behalf of Manny Ramirez, because some people want you to think that one of the greatest hitters baseball has ever seen isn’t worth a six-year contract. They want you to forget that Manny Ramirez hit 17 home runs in the final two months of the 2008 season and single-handedly carried the Dodgers into the National League Championship Series on his back.  They want you to ignore his 527 career home runs, his 1725 runs batted in, and his .314 lifetime batting average.  They want to pretend that their team can win a World Series without Manny Ramirez.  Just ask the Boston Red Sox how that’s working out.  This call was paid for by the Scott Boras Corporation."

"How’s it goin’, eh? I’m calling for Eric Gagne, Cy Young Award-winning relief pitcher for the Milwaukee Brewers. Might not have been the best year for baseball’s greatest-ever relief pitcher, but the Brewers are dangerously weak in their bullpen, and now is no time to throw Eric Gagne under the bus. Over the course of his career, he has averaged more than one strikeout per inning, and also played a pivotal role in the Boston Red Sox 2007 World Series championship. Solomon Torres, Guillermo Mota, and their bullpen allies might seem like flashy celebrities, but we can’t trust their judgment to keep our two-run leads safe. We need someone who’s been there before, and someone who will probably get back there again. Someone like Eric Gagne. This call was paid for by the Scott Boras Corporation and the National Fund for Canadian Baseball."

"Hello, I’m calling on behalf of anyone thinking that signing Mark Teixeira to a multi-year contract makes any damn sense.  If you have half a brain, you know that Teixeira is just a one-trick flash in the pan that will never be part of a contending team ever again.  Signing that overrated slugger to a multi-million dollar deal is just flushing money down the toilet, especially in this economic environment.  And you’re a moron if you even try it, so don’t.  I’m warning you. This call was paid for by my dad.  I mean the Steinbrenner Foundation.  Damn it, Hal! What the heck! I told you not to change the script!"

"Hello, I’m calling on behalf of starting pitcher Oliver Perez, who’s played a key role in getting the Mets one game away from making the playoffs over the past two years. Oliver Perez is a consistent pitcher with the stuff of an ace and the mindset of a non-roster invitee. When the chips are down, and you need a win, you don’t just want someone that will just keep you in the game. You want someone that’s a little unpredictable. You want someone that will work hard for that win. You want Oliver Perez. This call was paid for by the Scott Boras Corporation."

"Hello, Mr. Sullivan or Mr. Leary or whatevah your name is. I’m calling you because the Boston Red Sox ah thinking about not re-signing Jason Veritek next yeah. Are you freakin’ kiddin’ me, deah? It’s Tek! No catchah, from the beginning of time, has evah handled pitching bettah. And he’s come through with some pretty wicked clutch singles for us too. Sure he only hit .220 this yeah, and sure his ahm ain’t as accurate as it used to be. But come on, you really think he’s all ovah? Don’t let a one-yeah dip in productivity turn you into a Tek hatah. They put a C on his unifohm for a reason, chief: Tek is our captain, and he’s a champion, and he’s a catchah the likes of which we will nevah see again. Change might be good in some areas, like with politics or your mom’s undehweah, no sah just kiddin’ — but it just ain’t cool behind the plate. Keep Tek. This call was paid for by the Scott Boras Corporation and the Tek Foundation."

"Hello, I’m Cincinnatti Reds broadcaster and Hall of Famer Marty Brennemann, and I want to talk to you about Adam Dunn. If you’re a fan of a team that’s about to sign this fat and lazy one-trick-pony, you should either protest or boycott the team. And if you’re a member of a front office that’s thinking of giving this bag of crap millions of dollars, do us all a favor and go play in a flood. The only thing this idiot can do is hit home runs, and he can’t even do that half the time. Adam Dunn is the main reason the Reds haven’t won a damn thing since 1990, and I will not rest until the rest of the world finally realizes this. If someone sees this walking man-boob out in public, kick him in the balls and tell him Marty says you’re a pile of throw-up. And you bet your ass I approve this message. You god damn hammerdick motherfu-"

How Do The Lions Sleep Tonight?

Posted on by Isiah Thomas · Leave a comment

Since most of you think of me as a basketball personality, you probably think I’m going to talk about the dismissal of my colleague Elgin Baylor from his long-time position as the leader of the Los Angeles Clippers front office. You would be wrong. First of all, the Clippers will always be a joke no matter who they hire, so firing Elgin Baylor is like throwing the Tar Baby into the briar patch. No offense, of course. Also, just as I like to think that I transcend basketball both as a player and as an executive, I want to jump that particular shark and talk about a sports firing that strikes me near and dear to my heart. I am speaking, of course, about the former Detroit Lions general manager Matt Millen , since I used to be a player in that city and I have also been fired.

When I think of Matt Millen being forced to step down after eight seasons, I think of my former coach at Indiana University, Bobby Knight , and how he was forced out because of his confrontational personality. Maybe Coach Knight’s chair-throwing and throat-choking and provocative racial confrontations didn’t go over with the play-it-safe types that ran the university. But as a young man, and speaking for most of the young men he coached, he set an example that I am still trying to live up to, even today. He installed in me a code of conduct that I’ve tried to install everywhere I’ve gone, especially when I became the president and coach of the New York Knicks.  And I’d like to think that the results speak for themselves.

Now everyone knows about the FIRE MATT MILLEN rallies and protests that happened because of the Lions’ poor record and lack of playoff success. But you have to really look at what state the team was in before he arrived and after he left to really know how well he did. I think, given the situation, he did his job as well as he could. When Millen arrived on the 2001 scene , he was stuck with an old group of players and without a Hall of Famer like Barry Sanders or (in my case) Reggie Miller. He needed to make some drastic changes in order to compete in the competitive football marketplace. That none of his stars from that team are on the current team says a lot about Millen’s love of change and youth.

Also, he knew exactly what he wanted and he went out and got it, which is something that is very important to understand when you’re in the front office. People that think his drafting of wide receivers in the first round for four out of five years is some kind of weakness doesn’t understand what it’s like in sports. You want to work from a position of strength and depth when you make a team, and there’s no better way to ensure that your team will be strong and deep than to build up at one position. This is the same reason I drafted both Vince Carter and Tracy McGrady despite them being the same position and being cousins that held major grudges against each other. It is also why I traded for Eddy Curry and Zach Randolph despite both having reputations for being selfish players and never taking home leftovers from the Cheesecake Factory . I knew what I wanted, and I got what I wanted. After you do your job of acquiring players, it’s out of your hands (even if you’re the head coach), and it’s up to the players to figure out what they want. Blaming Matt Millen because the players he drafted didn’t want it bad enough is like blaming a butterfly in Africa for causing Hurricane Katrina.

In a lot of ways, Matt Millen was a "maverick" of the NFL, just as John McCain and Sarah Palin are "mavericks" in the presidential election happening in November. If Millen was just another front office suit, he would follow the same winning blueprint that everyone else tries to follow. Instead, Millen followed his own path, and as they say in poetry, it made all the difference in the world. Sometimes, results aren’t as important in staying true to what you believe in. When I purchased the Continental Basketball Association for $5 million, I rejected the NBA’s offer to purchase the league for $11 million because I stayed true to what I believe in. And even though the league collapsed and became bankrupt, I stayed with those beliefs as long as I could. After all, both Matt and I wouldn’t be where we are today if we decided to stop following our hearts and what we believed.

In the end, I think that Matt Millen’s worst enemy was not the fans but the media. After all, the Ford family were on the record numerous times saying that Millen was doing a great job running the Lions, and who would know better what’s working than the owners? I think the national media saw an opportunity, with the Lions’ 0-4 start, to flex their muscle and force the ownership to make a change they didn’t want to make. And it’s a shame. Right now, the Lions team has a young nucleus of wide receivers, and an underrated quarterback in John Kitna, and a defense that allows less than 32 points per game. They are sure to win lots of games sometime in the near future. And when that happens, I hope that all you fans out there that wanted Matt Millen fired remember to thank the man that made it all possible.

The first round draft picks former New York Knicks President of Basketball Operations Isiah Thomas gave up as part of the Eddy Curry trade were used to select LaMarcus Aldridge and Joakim Noah.

How Will These NBA Teams Disappoint Me This Year?

Posted on by Charley Rosen · Leave a comment

Training camp! Pre-season games! Underperforming third-year players with stress fractures of their 5th metatarsals! Yes, it’s time for another year of the National Basketball Association, the greatest professional sports league in the history of humankind, except maybe for the CBA when I was coaching there.

But, of course, just because the NBA is a great league doesn’t mean that it doesn’t make me sick every single day of my life. Every single team has glaring holes, fatal weaknesses, overrated superstars, inadequate role players, soft-serve bench space-wasters, village-idiot coaches and GMs, and know-nothing front-running fans. Looking over these dumb bunnies and weak weenies, I don’t honestly know why I still care. I guess I still remember a golden age, when players were as tough as old condoms and twice as useful.

Anyway, let’s run down this year’s teams…with a bus. The question on the board is: How will each team disappoint me this year? My extreme contempt for all of them limits me to only 10 words per franchise.

Atlanta: Too many youngsters, soft at point, the league’s worst fans.

Boston: Undeserved title plus Allen’s decline minus Posey spells Beantown disaster.

Charlotte: No defense, no offense, cancerous coach, ugly uniforms, boring town.

Chicago: Red and black? Ha ha. More like pink and pink.

Cleveland: LeBron’s greatness suspect until his fingers flash NBA gold. Capish?

Dallas: Lots of points and “fun,” but no heart, fewer balls.

Denver: No problem: Overhyped Camby’s loss. Big problem: all the rest.

Detroit: Michael Curry seems nice but he is no Phil Jackson.

Golden State: Teams that play no D make me puke up bile.

Houston: Last year’s streak a fluke; regression to the mean awaits.

Indiana: Danny Granger doesn’t blow goats. The jury’s out everywhere else.

LA Clippers: With Elgin’s departure, there is nothing left. Even you, Baron.

LA Lakers: Greatest franchise, greatest coach. Too bad Kobe’s a dickbag douchesmoker.

Memphis: Typing ten words here is a waste of time.

Miami: Dwyane Wade, Shawn Marion? Your 15 minutes are both up.

Milwaukee: Skiles? Tough. His players? Hard as wheels of warm brie.

Minnesota: Don’t be fooled by Love — there is exactly nothing here.

New Jersey: Vince Carter personally offends me. Actually, everything personally offends me.

New Orleans: Last year they were sleepers; this year, we’re all awake.

New York: They won’t let me curse on this family-oriented sports website.

Oklahoma City: Seattle’s loss is actually Seattle’s gain, because this team’s horrible.

Orlando: Howard’s Olympic defense: a national (team) disgrace. Spinning Magic wheels.

Philadelphia: Smart moves, re-energized players and fans. I smell injury troubles.

Phoenix: Terry Porter deserves a better comeback chance than this. *ralphs*

Portland: Sit down, Paul Allen — Baby Blazers just learning to crawl.

Sacramento: Nowhere to go but up? Watch this year and weep.

San Antonio: Never count them out, but don’t bother counting them in.

Toronto: Whoa: Jermaine O’Neal, Basketball Savior! (That was irony, people. Seriously.)

Utah: Tough year for Mormons: first Mitt’s flameout, now the Jazz.

Washington: With or without their Agent, the Wizards are still Zero.

Charley Rosen was once the head coach of the Rockford Lightning. He writes for Fox Sports, natch, and he has written fourteen books about Phil Jackson.

Past A Blogging Jeter

Posted on by Derek Jeter · Leave a comment

Hey sports fans! This is New York Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter coming to you “live” from this blog to talk to you about the baseball playoffs. Being a member of the Yankees when I’ve been I have a unique perspective on the playoffs. You see this is the first year since I made the Yankees as a rookie that I’m not in the playoffs. And on one hand it’s upsetting to not be able to bring another World Series championship back to The City That Never Sleeps. On the other hand it’s great to have all this free time in October! Finally! No but seriously I mean it.  Especially when you get to be my age. With all the effort I put into making myself one of the best shortstops in baseball it’s hard to squeeze in “me” time after the final out is put away. What with all the endorsements I got going on like my cologne Derek Jeter’s Driven and the G2 sports drink and replacing that soccer player in the Gillette commercials or my role as a Ford or Chevy spokesperson (sorry but I always get those things confused). On top of being one of the most recognizable faces in all of sports which I don’t mind at all but still. But this year with the team finishing just outside of the playoffs I’m stuck with a whole lot of nothing to do! Except watch some baseball! which is what I did. And here’s what I found out.

First: I didn’t know the games are this long! On behalf of the New York Yankees and all of baseball, I’m so sorry!  It’s one thing to be in the middle of the field during a game and actually be a part of the action. It’s another to be sitting at home with a few teammates and some lovely ladies and watch how slow baseball actually is! It got so bad at one point that I was able to watch TWO episodes of Entourage during one inning of that extra-inning Angels Red Sox game. I’m sorry, but that’s not baseball. That’s like watching grass grow during winter! Seriously! By the way everyone that hasn’t seen Entourage should see it right now. Vinnie Chase is one of the greatest characters to ever be created for a TV show, and they also break a lot of gay stereotypes with Lloyd and Eric. Plus it’s got lots of hot women throughout the show. And it’s funny as heck! I may not be a TV critic or anything, but I know what I like, and I like Entourage. And by the way it looks like this new Frank TV show about George W. Bush might be just as funny, if not more so!

Second: Congratulations to the Tampa Bay Rays for their first appearance in the ALCS, but I gotta say I’m still not all that impressed. This isn’t to say that you should wonder about what they accomplished. Going last to first is a hard thing to do especially when you’re doing it for the first time. But it’s even harder to win in the playoffs. Just look at the Yankees. In all honesty I think we should have won more World Series titles, and if it weren’t for a few bounces here and there, we would have won more. And I’m talking about a team that’s loaded with veterans that have been in trenches like Paul O’Neill and Tino Martinez. Playing young guys like Evan Longoria and BJ Upton might get you wins in the regular season, but if there’s anything I learned in all my years of baseball, it’s that the regular season is not the post-season. You need guys that can drive in runs in the clutch, guys that can manufacture runs, guys that get their hits when it matters and not in the 9th inning of an elimination game. And you need guys with experience. You ask me, I’ll take Scott Brosius nine times out of ten and I’ll take Charlie Hayes on the tenth. It’s like that old joke about how you need a job to get experience but to get experience you need a job. You can’t do both at the same time!  It just doesn’t make sense! And I think Tampa Bay is going to learn that lesson the hard way next round.

Third: I don’t know all that much about National League ball, but I do know that despite the differences anyone that can play in the NL can play in the AL. I saw it on my own team this year with Bobby Abreu and Xavier Nady.  And Manny Ramirez is also total proof of this with what he’s done to the NL this year. He’s hitting like I’ve never seen before and I’ve seen Manny hit a lot! And it’s not just the hitting. He’s playing the game like it should be played, with a lot of hustle and energy. He’s always been a guy that liked the spotlight, and I guess being close to Hollywood made him rise to the occasion. The same goes for CC Sabathia. Even if he didn’t pitch well in the NLDS against Philly he was the main reason that the Brewers even had a shot to play Philly. His pitching of all those complete games on 3 days rest was like watching a pitcher from the 1960s come back to life and showing folks how it’s done. Sometimes I wish I played in the 1960s so I could play baseball like that.  But hey you can’t be unhappy with four World Series rings right?  I mean I’m playing with some guys that don’t even have one!  That’s gotta be hard.  Anyway Manny and CC are players that I’ve always had a huge amount of respect for, even when we’ve been facing off head-to-head in key playoff battles. I always admired the way they carried themselves especially when coming to New York which everyone knows is a pressure cooker.  And I’m sure I’m not the only one in New York that feels the same way.  Not that I’m trying to drop any hints!

Fourth: you know I just realized that Manny could end up playing against Boston, the team that traded him just a few months ago! You can’t write a script like that even if you tried! I’m sure baseball fans all over the world are looking forward to that sort of match-up and all the playoff drama it will bring.  That’s the great thing about baseball as Yankees radio announcer John Sterling says.  You just can’t figure it out!  I mean who would’ve guessed that a team like the Yankees had this year would end up having a lot of their veteran players spending lots of time on the disabled list?  And don’t get me started on pitchers getting hurt.  If we stayed healthy and produced, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be writing this right now, which is sad but that’s life right?  It’s just amazing how anything can and will happen when you play baseball.  Just like life!  It’s why I love this sport, and it’s why I love New York City.

So anyway that’s all I have to say about this round of the baseball playoffs.  Maybe I’ll see you guys next time after the League Championship Series.  Or maybe I’ll see you guys out on the town when I’m out clubbing with my girl or girls!  Just kidding I’ll see you right here!  Peace!

In December 2007, Derek Jeter was inducted into the Kalamazoo Central High School Athletic Hall of Fame.

What I Talk About When I Talk About Losing

Posted on by Haruki Murakami · Leave a comment

I would describe myself as a pretty normal guy. I like to eat good food, but I’m just as happy drinking a beer or eating donuts; I like to go on long-distance runs, and I’ve even run a few triathlons, but I don’t devote my whole life to exercise; I like to write internationally acclaimed novels and short stories, but I don’t go around bragging about it or anything. And I like baseball, more as an outsider than as a fan. I guess if I liked any team, it’s the Chicago Cubs, but only because I profiled them at the beginning of the year.

So they made it to the playoffs this year. They won almost 100 games — 97, to be exact — and won their division handily, although this was more because Milwaukee stunk for the last month of the season than because the Cubs are the greatest team of all time, the way some people think. (Especially when those people can’t even spell the name "Sabathia" correctly.)

But their season is over, as quickly as a smile from a teenage girl who happens to live near you and seems to want to flirt with you but mostly her banter is just the means to an end towards surreal self-discovery. It was just that quick. One minute you’re leading the league and all your radio hosts are bragging about how liberating it will be to finally break the curse, how all true baseball fans not just in your city but all over the U.S.A. will be rooting for your team after 100 years of futility — and the next you’re on a subdued plane ride back to Chicago to clean out your locker for the year.

There is no denying that the Cubs are a great team. They have very good hitters, a few very good pitchers, and a manager who seems to know what he is doing in most cases, although I guess some people will wonder why he decided to change up the batting order and do things for the very first time in the playoffs. So on one level it is kind of silly to talk about this year being a failure. On the other hand, in baseball any year that you don’t win the World Series is a failure; it seems an unrealistic standard to me, but that’s baseball for you.

So really, if you think about it, the Cubs are really no different from any other team except whichever team wins. Then again, of course, not every team spends $118.595 million to fail. That’s almost $40 million more than Milwaukee Brewers, another of this year’s failures, and almost three times more than the Tampa Bay Rays. When you spend $118.595 million, I guess you expect better than a three-game flameout in the playoffs. I sure would.

This all reminds me of a thing that happened when I was running my jazz bar in Tokyo. I spent a lot of money to hire a well-known jazz singer to work three nights in the club. She did not even come the first night, and I had to give everyone their money back. The second night, she finally showed up, but she was so drunk that she butchered every song and stumbled offstage after only about 45 minutes. On the third night, she would not come out of her dressing room, which was locked on the inside and had no windows or other doors. When I unlocked the door and walked in, she had disappeared. After I locked the club for the night and was heading home, I saw her wandering around the streets with no clothes on. I pulled over, picked her up, and drove her home. Once we got to her hotel, I walked her inside and she said goodnight. I never saw her again. Okay, I guess that story didn’t have much to do with the events in this story.

What is next for the Cubs? Well, they have some things to think about. Do they get rid of Theriot and Fontenot and bring in some left-handed bats? Do they let their team, and dear old Wrigley Field, be taken over by this or by that group of fat-cat big-money guys?

I don’t know. Why should I? I’m no baseball expert. All I want to do is write my books, do a lot of long-distance running, listen to the Beatles and Mozart, and keep my nose clean so I can win the Nobel Prize in 10 years or so. Maybe by then the Cubs will have won the World Series. Otherwise that would just be too depressing.

Haruki Murakami has written a whole heap of books. He recently moved back to Tokyo, Japan, after a lengthy stay in the U.S.

Our Glorious Destiny, Unleashed!

Posted on by Bob Uecker · Leave a comment

Hey there, sports fans!

It is with a sense of great pleasure and profound gratitude that today I bid welcome to you, the loyal followers of the National League Wild Card Team! [cheering, applause]

We are resolved to dedicate ourselves, body and soul, to the playoffs. I believe that every one of you, my fellow Wisconsinites, will not care for your life but gladly share in the honor to make of yourself the Brew Crew’s humble supporters.

The key to victory lies in a ‘faith in victory.’ For 26 years, our team has not known the playoffs. This record alone is enough to produce a conviction in our ability to crush any enemy no matter how strong. Let us pledge ourselves that we will never again live down to our inglorious history, but will go forward.

The rise or fall of our team and the prosperity or ruin of Miller Park and the American beer and sausage industries literally depend upon the outcome of this playoff series agains the Phillies. Truly it is time for the six million residents of this state to dedicate all we have and sacrifice everything for our team’s cause. As long as there remains a high enthusiasm and a great spirit of loyalty and patriotism, we have nothing to fear in playing Philadelphia, who after all really only won two more games than we did.

During the past centuries other big-market clubs, through fraud and aggression, maintained their domination over other teams by waving large piles of capitalism under the noses of the best players. On the other hand, the Brewers have done no such thing — we have a couple of superstars, but they are all homegrown. Well, except for Sabathia, he’s a rental. Dare I dream about a rent-to-own situation? Sadly, I daren’t.

But with the recent unleashing of the pocketbook a few years ago, the Brewers began to pursue their ambition for world hegemony. More recently, we were supposed to clean up this year, and we would have too had it not been for the fact that we spent a quarter of the season playing with our hands around our throats. I’ve tried that — doesn’t work.

It is my belief that to enable all small-market teams each to have its proper place and to enjoy the blessings of common prosperity by mutual efforts and mutual help is the fundamental condition for the establishment of equity in Major League Baseball. And I must furthermore say that to practice mutual help among the neighboring teams in one region, fostering one another’s growth and establishing a relationship of common prosperity and well-being, is a nice thing in theory, but let’s face it, Cubs fans are assholes.

Yes, we have won the Wild Card berth…but now is exactly where we we find ourselves at a crossroads. A superior order of baseball has existed in Wisconsin from its very beginning, even back in our illustrious Negro League Teams of the 1920s and 1930s. The spiritual essence of baseball in Milwaukee is the most sublime in the world.

It is my belief that in the wide diffusion throughout the world of this culture, by its further cultivation and refine­ment lies the salvation of mankind from the curse of materialistic civilization and our contribution to the welfare of all humanity, would be just super. It is incumbent upon us all mutually to respect our own glorious traditions and to develop the creative spirit and genius of our peoples and thereby to enhance our culture even more . It’s kind of like when I was on "Mr. Belvidere."

The new order of Milwaukee Brewer baseball which we are building is not exclusive unto itself, but rather it seeks positively to enter into cooperative relations with the teams of the world, politically, economically and also culturally, and thus contribute to the world’s advancement.

Our playoff run is being realized with a grim steadiness in the midst of hardship — we had a mere pittance of a payroll compared with the other top teams in the National League, but we triumphed against all odds. This surely must be regarded as the grandest spectacle of human effort in modern times.

Ours is a righteous cause. Justice knows no enemy and we are fully convinced of our ultimate victory. The Brew Crew is firmly determined to carry on with indefatigable spirit and with conviction in sure victory in this war, the intensity of which is expected to mount from day to day. Milwaukee , by overcoming all difficulties, will do her full share to complete the construction of a more equal structure and contribute to the establishment of world peace which is the common mission of us all.

Victory, I am convinced, is always with the illustrious virtues of our homeland. In making known these humble views of mine, I join with all my countrymen in pledging myself to assist in the grand enterprise.

Now let’s win some ballgames out there!

Will These Rays See The Light?

Posted on by Jayson Stark · Leave a comment

On September 16th, the Tampa Bay Rays took one on the chin from their primary contenders, who also happen to be the defending World Champions. After the Boston Red Sox waxed Rays ace Scott Kazmir, they were mere percentage points behind Tampa Bay for first place in the AL East. Two days later, the tables turned.  The hard-charging Sox tripped over themselves and tumbled back into second place, losers of both the three-game series and the season series. Since then, Tampa Bay has officially clinched their first post-season berth, and are all but a lock to finish in first place. Next to sorting out their first-ever ALDS pitching rotation, the team’s biggest problem is trying to find someone to throw out the first pitch for their inaugural playoff game.

Or is it? As remarkable and unlikely and all-but unpredictable as their performance has been this year, the question still remains — who are the Tampa Bay Rays? Are they the team that’s been one of baseball’s best the entire 2008 season, the team that won their season series against the Red Sox for the first time this century? Or are they the team that used to ride with the Devil, the team that served up half-a-dozen taters to their divisional rivals just last week?  Are they going to continue their improbable magic carpet ride all the way to the World Series?  Or are their pitchers going to show that they were born to be wild?  (Yeah, you might be laughing at me, but I’d like to see you try to squeeze in a Steppenwolf pun!)

One thing to keep in mind if the Rays manage to win their first division championship: the wildcard has won three of the last six World Series, and each of the last six World Series have featured at least one wildcard team.  What does that mean?  It means there’s a lot of pressure to follow up a divisional championship with a World Championship.  After all, what good is a divisional pennant if you get beaten by a second place team?  Makes you wonder whether that AL East crown they’re about to capture might be made of fool’s gold, doesn’t it?

And the questions keep on coming.  Who will take the place of closer Troy Percival if he gets hurt again?  Who will lead the staff if Kazmir comes up lame?  Will Evan Longoria continue his torrid Rookie of the Year campaign?  Will Carlos Pena keep hitting clutch home runs?  Will first-round pick David Price pull a K-Rod and be a key member of the Rays playoff bullpen?  Will team MVP Jason Bartlett remember his glove after the regular season is finished?  Will mercurial center fielder B.J. Upton remember to hustle?  Will Joe Maddon be forced to bench a young player before a crucial must-win game?

Most importantly, what will success do to this team?  They’ve been breaking team records left and right this year, and sooner or later they might have more boxes to check off.  First Playoff Win.  First Playoff Series Win.  First AL Pennant.  First You-Know-What.  How’s that going to affect a team that just last year was looking up at the Baltimore Orioles?  In 2003, the Royals finished above .500 for the first time in ten years — they haven’t had a winning record since.  Last year’s 88-win Mariners team is this year’s 100-loss Mariners team.  Two years after representing the AL in the World Series, the Detroit Tigers are in danger of finishing behind the Royals.  Will these once-lovable losers, still the newest kids on MLB’s block, be able to handle the pressures of winning?

Well, no better time to find out than in October, right?  That’s when former Red Sox manager Grady Little found out that Pedro Martinez was a 100-pitch pitcher and became a former Red Sox manager.  That’s when Brad Lidge learned that you never, ever pitch to Albert Pujols with the game on the line.  That’s when the Arizona Diamondbacks discovered that Byung-Hyun Kim was as much a closer as I am a Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist.  That’s when Cubs fans learned about not interfering with balls in play.  That’s when Dusty Baker learned that you never give out game balls until after the game is over.  October’s as much about goats as is it about gamers, and there’s plenty of opportunity next month for Tampa Bay, and baseball fans, to find who eats garbage and who takes out the trash.

E$PN senior baseball writer Jayson Stark is a guy.