WORLD SERIES MIDVIEW: Bunt The Night Away

Posted on by Jay Bell · Leave a comment

Hi, folks! Jay Bell here. Yeah, this was supposed to be part of Yard Work’s WORLD SERIES PREVIEW, but time’s a luxury nowadays. I just spent the last two weeks in Diamondbacks President Rich Dozer’s gorgeous solarium, hashing out a strategy for next year. Here’s a hint: it involves lots of winning! This being my first year as part of the D-Back coaching staff, I gotta say I was surprised to get invited! It’s great being a part of an organization that accepts input from everyone in the organization. If I had a penny for every time I saw Bob Melvin chatting up a ball girl or one of the player’s wives, asking them to come visit his office after the game for some one-on-one time, I’d have one heckuva piggy bank!

But anway, onto the World Series! Lots of folks have been talking about this series being the return of Small Ball. Well, don’t call it a comeback, folks – Small Ball’s always been here, especially in the National League, the home of Real Baseball! And there isn’t a better example of Real Baseball than with the two teams playing in this year’s World Series. Yeah, the first two games of the Series have seen lots of long flies, but that happens sometimes. Both the Chicago White Sox & Houston Astros know the value in the fundamentals of baseball – see that FUNDAMENTAL sign at US Cellular? And, as these teams know, nothing’s more fundamental in baseball than the bunt. It doesn’t take a lot of discipline to swing hard and hit a ball far. Heck, even Scott Podsednik can do it! However, it does takes something special to give yourself up for the sake of the team, to square around against a hard-throwing head-hunter and turn his 95 MPH heatseeker into a meek little grasscutter so a baserunner gets 90 feet closer to the promised land. It takes a certain intestinal fortitude to hold your bat out there and send the ball down the 3rd base line while you hightail it to 1st base. And ask any fan worth a program what the most exciting play in baseball is, and they’ll tell you it’s the suicide squeeze. That we were lucky enough to see two such squeezes executed to perfection is only more proof that this year’s postseason is gonna be one of the best ever!

Phil Garner’s scrappy Astros, being a Real Baseball team, bunt with the best of them. In Adam Everett & ROY hopeful Willy Tavares, they have two of the best giver-uppers you could ever hope to see. And, of course, their pitching staff really knows about the art of the sacrifice. You wouldn’t know that Roger Clemens & Andy Pettite spent most of their careers in the American League, sitting on the bench spitting seeds while some jelly-bellied homer machine waddles up to the plate. The way they square around perfectly (feet forming a perfect 5-degree angle with the front of home plate) and gently cradle the incoming pitch with their lumber, you’d think they’d been bunting since they were born! (Remember kids – high, you try; low, heck no!)

But don’t discount the rest of the lineup! Garner’s known for his managerial trickery – hands up if you thought Jose Vizcaino would get the AB last night in the 9th! Even squatting slugger Jeff Bagwell might fool folks that think he’s there to simply grip it & rip it. And you know who’s a really good bunter on that team? Lance Berkman! One day, before a Houston-‘Zona tilt at the BOB, I watched Berkman take bunting practice. I figured that Berkman, being a tater-crushing man-mountain clean-up hitter type, would be lucky if he only popped up half his bunt attempts. Little did I expect Berkman to execute beautiful running bunts from both sides of the plate – it was like watching a plus-sized Jose Lind go to work! And there’s nothing more dangerous than having a big slugger at the plate dropping one down the 3rd base line. So look out Chicago!

As for those scrappy hard-nosed White Sox – well, they’re the spitting image of their manager. Scrappy, hard-nosed, willing to do whatever it takes to win, even if it means going deep. That said, there’s not a person on this team that can’t give themselves up for the sake of getting a run across. If Carl Everett can keep his cool and drop one down, then anyone on that team is liable to do so. Of course, the best bunter on the team is speedy little Podsednik. He’s the type of leadoff guy you want – he’s feisty, hard-nosed, scrappy, and annoying as all get-out. Not “annoying” like “Andy Van Slyke with a wet towel annoying”, but annoying nonetheless. And now, with his newfound power stroke in place, he could become the best leadoff hitter baseball’s seen since Rickey Henderson. And that’s not something I say lightly! Pod’s power opens up the opportunity for the White Sox to just mess with the Astros’ mind. Even though they’re playing in what folks call the Juice Box for the next three games (if it goes that far!), expect lots of trickery and sleight-of-hand when it comes to at-bats. Ozzie’s got the White Sox wielding their lumber the way a majorette wields her baton, so watch out! And don’t think the Sox are losing anything by not having a DH in Houston. If anything, it just opens up more opportunities for Ozzie to cast his spells or santeria or voodoo or whatever he does during his pagan downtime!

So, yeah – with the Astros down 2 games, I predict we’ll see them get back to basics and stop trying to keep up with those tricky White Sox hitters. And I predict the White Sox will do the same. There’s gonna be lots of action between home plate and the pitcher’s mound, so don’t miss any of it! I live for this game because I love its fantasticness! Enjoy some Real Baseball, folks!

Jay Bell lead the National League in sacrifice hits in 1990 and 1991. He is currently the bench coach for the Arizona Diamondbacks.

Making Sense of the World Series

Posted on by Joe Morgan · 1 Comment

People call the World Series the “Fall Classic” and classics like the first two games of this “Fall Classic” make it clear why they call it the “Fall Classic.” We have seen great fundamental baseball by the Chicago White Sox, maybe the best bunting team in the American League since the early ’60s. But the White Sox don’t need to bunt to score which is the difference between them and the Houston Astros who don’t play fundamental baseball and who are now down two games as a result.

You’ll hear a lot of talk this morning around the water cooler about Scott Podsednik’s walk-off home run and about what a surprising hit it was considering that he didn’t hit a home run all year and Houston closer Brad Lidge’s dominance. Lidge very clearly has a tired arm — Albert Pujols hitting a homer, sure, but Podsednik? — and the White Sox are catching him at the right time. Astros manager Phil Garner has been overworking Lidge, making him pitch outside of the 9th inning several times in the playoffs and that’s not when a closer should be pitching. A closer should be pitching in save situations — any more than that and you’re looking for trouble.

Ozzie Guillen has a better situation with Bobby Jenks because Jenks isn’t really their closer because Dustin Hermanson was the closer this season and so it makes sense for Jenks to come in during the 8th inning like he did in Game One because he isn’t the closer. True, he has become the default closer with Hermanson’s injuries but Jenks doesn’t quite have that closer mentality — he’s just as good with a seven-run lead as he is with a three-run lead. And so even if we were seeing the Lidge of last year I still think the White Sox would hold an edge in the bullpen department.

But going back to that Podsednik home run, it was his speed threat that got him that long ball. I know what Lidge, Garner and catcher Brad Ausmus were thinking: get Podsednik something up because he’s so good at beating out ground balls. If Podsednik were to get on with a drag bunt or a simple grounder, you know he would be on second before Willy Tavares could grow a beard. And if Podsednik stole second, third would be next and then all you need is an Iguchi fly-out or squeeze play and you’ve won. I don’t think the blame should be placed on Lidge last night because the White Sox were going to manufacture a run in the 9th no matter what. Lidge just tried to neutralize Guillen’s biggest weapon — manufacturing runs — with a pitch up in the zone, and he got unlucky in that Podsednik got good wood on it and before you knew it the Astros were in a big hole.

But the Astros are not done yet. The first thing Garner needs to do in Houston is play Jeff Bagwell at first base because he is that team’s leader. Play Bags at first and bat him third and I think you’ll see the whole Houston team chemistry really change and maybe they’ll be able to start manufacturing runs, too. Also, Tavares should be hitting lead off — is there any doubt that he’s Rookie of the Year? — and Garner should consider starting Wandy Rodriguez in Game Four because Rodriguez induced a lot of double plays and that’s the best way to kill smallball. But no matter what Houston does Chicago will fly around the bases and so this is probably over but you never can tell.

WORLD SERIES PREVIEW: Fake to Third, Fake to First

Posted on by Dave Campbell · Leave a comment

Hey there, baseball fans. Only a couple hours to go before game one of the 2005 World Series between the Chicago White Sox and the Houston Astros. One of these teams’ destinies is going to change tonight, right here on ESPN Radio. And me and my broadcast partner Dan Schulman couldn’t be happier to bring it to you live in more than 130 countries around the globe.

So what else is there to say about this game? You’ve heard analysts talk about pitching and defense and baserunning and speed and low-scoring games. All that’s true. But I think you’ve got to admit that both teams have some great hitters out there – after all, you’ve got sure-fire Hall of Famers like Frank Thomas and Jeff Bagwell on either team, and there’s no telling when they could contribute in the clutch. You don’t get the big bucks without being a clutch hitter.

In other words, there are going to be some hits out there. And guys will get on base and score. But if there’s one thing that really separates the men from the boys, it’s how you prepare for those scenarios. You know at least a few times a game you’re going to have men on first and third, right? In that case, there’s only one thing you can do: the fake to third, fake to first.

Faking to third, faking to first keeps the runners honest. You can’t let them cheat off third too far, or a little slappy pop fly turns into a run. And since both these teams’ catchers are team leaders, you can’t let the guy get a big lead off first; A.J. Pierzynski’s going to be helping his team win by shaking off Jose Contreras at least four or five times every pitch, so he can’t keep an eye on both runners. A.J. doesn’t have eyes on either side of his head. He’s a catcher, not a flounder.

So what do the pitchers do? Well, you’ve got to make sure that runner knows his place. Say you’re in the stretch, and out of the corner of your eye you see Scott Podsednik tense up. You’ve got to whirl around, fake to third, and fake to first. No harm, no foul. And then you punch the guy out.

You’ve got to think of it like you’re Peyton Manning out there. When he’s marching down the field, he’s all about misdirection. He’s got to keep the defense on their toes. So he flaps his arms around and marches up and down the line and does the chicken dance. And because of that, he’s successful. You think of playoff heroes in this day and age, you have to think of Peyton Manning.

So when it comes right down to it, I think this Series is the Astros’ to lose, because they’re going to ride their horses right into the ground. And they’ve got one of the best in the game out there tonight, as far as the fake to third, throw to first is concerned, and that’s Roger Clemens. You see Roger out there, you keep an eye on him. As soon as he’s in trouble, he’ll start faking and juking out there like somebody gave him a hotfoot. But that’s why he led the league in ERA. In so many situations this year, Roger Clemens found himself throwing heat, but only after he reached toward third, reached toward first, and sent a message to the other team: that he’s Roger Clemens, master of the reach-around.

Former Astros infielder Dave “Soup” Campbell co-hosts the pre-game and post-game shows as part of ESPN Radio’s World Series coverage.

WORLD SERIES PREVIEW: Talking Long Ball with Mr. October

Posted on by Reggie Jackson · 1 Comment

Hi folks, this is Hall of Famer Reggie Jackson, but of course you all know me better as Mr. October. The World Series is about to start, so let’s take a look at what the Astros and White Sox need to do in order to win.

I’ve been hearing a lot of silly phrases like “smallball”, “Ozzieball”, “playing by the book”, “fundamentals”, “defense”, and “speed on the basepaths”. People seem to think that stuff matters! Well let me tell you something: home run hitters drive Cadillacs, singles hitters drive Fords. Twenty years from now, when everyone reminisces about the 2005 playoffs, nobody will remember Pablo Ozuna stealing a base or Roger Clemens laying down a bunt. They’ll remember the home runs. What do you remember about the 1977 Series? That’s right, you remember my three home runs in three consecutive at-bats, with each one travelling further than the one before it. When Joe Morgan was asked to name the greatest individual accomplishment in the history of postseason baseball, do you know what his answer was? No, it wasn’t some skinny shortstop executing a hit and run, it was my three-homer game.

Home runs pay the bills and attract the most beautiful ladies. Have you ever seen Houston’s Willy Taveras with a beautiful woman? I rest my case. The Cardinals might have lost the NLCS, but people will be talking about Albert Pujols’ Game 5 blast for years. It was an impressive shot, but he didn’t get all of it. If I had been hitting in that situation I would have dinged that ball off the light tower and given the people something to truly remember. Still, Pujols was impressive. Also, there has been a lot of talk about the 18-inning marathon between Atlanta and Houston, but mark my words, a year from now, nobody will remember anything about it other than the two grand slams, Brad Ausmus’ tying blast in the 9th, and Chris Burke’s shot to win it. Do you remember who singled ahead of Lance Berkman before he hit that slam? You don’t, do you? Come on, it was only a couple of weeks ago! That’s further proof that this small ball stuff isn’t going to matter in the upcoming World Series.

A lot of people forget that the White Sox are a great team when it comes to hitting the long ball. They play in a homer-friendly park and it paid dividends for them this year, as they were fourth in the AL in home runs despite finishing only ninth in runs scored. In the playoffs, they’ve been even better. They’ve outhomered their opponents 12-6 and have lost only one game. That’s no coincidence, folks. That’s how you outmash your rivals on the big stage. Now don’t get me wrong — I don’t have a problem with all that bunt-and-steal stuff. Hey, you have to keep the entire team happy and give guys like Scott Podsednik something to do while you wait for the big men like Paul Konerko to come to the plate. That Konerko is a guy who really understands how the game works. He strikes out over 100 times a season and might not hit for a particularly high average, but as long as he’s hitting the long flies then he’s happy and knows he’s done his job. And that’s definitely been the case so far in the playoffs. He’s got four homers, which clearly makes him the most feared hitter in the White Sox lineup. You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to understand why I like the guy so much — he reminds me of … me!

The Astros aren’t known for being a slugging team, but they’ve been able to rely on the long ball when they’ve needed it most. Guys like Berkman and Lamb have followed my example and come up with huge jacks when the game was on the line. Even Brad Ausmus, who hit only three homers during the regular season, went deep in the ALDS when it mattered most. Ausmus is a stud. If I looked like Ausmus, I’d own the world.

Of course, it helps that the Astros play in Minute Maid Park, which might be the most homer-friendly park in baseball. Despite this, their pitchers gave up only 78 long bombs at home, which is an amazingly low number that doesn’t bode well for the White Sox sluggers. It won’t be easy for them to tee off on Astros pitching when the series shifts to Houston for Game 3.

So it’s really quite simple. The winning team will have to hit home runs in order to win, and whichever team jacks more balls out of the park will be the World Champions. All right, I know you’ve all been waiting for my pick, so here it is: Astros in 6. Their pitching is a little better than Chicago’s, and most importantly, they don’t surrender the long ball too often. And their hitters have shown during the postseason that they can match round-trippers with anyone.

Reginald Martinez Jackson won five World Series Championships with two different clubs. He hit 18 postseason home runs, 10 of which came in the World Series. He is one of only two players in baseball history to hit three home runs in a single World Series game (the other is the legendary Babe Ruth), that being the Series-clinching sixth game of the 1977 World Series against the hapless Dodgers, which earned him the classic nickname “Mr. October”. He retired in 1987 with 563 career home runs, outlived Billy Martin, and was inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame in 1993.

WORLD SERIES PREVIEW: Speed!

Posted on by Juan Pierre · 1 Comment

Hello. My name is Juan Pierre. I play outfield for the Florida Marlins, and I’m known as a pretty speedy guy on the ol’ base paths. That’s why the good folks at Yard Work asked me to do this little preview about who the real burners are in this World Series, and which guys are the real…well, let’s just say non-burners.

Okay, when you’re talking about fast people, you pretty much have to start with…ME! Hahaha! Actually, I’m not kidding. I could outrace anyone on either of these two teams with one leg tied behind my back and the other one eating jerk chicken with a spoon out of Lou Piniella’s severed head. Not that I would do that.

(By the way, how psyched am I that Joe Girardi is making his managing debut here next year? I know he’s going to bring the gravity and experience that we need here on the ol’ ballclub. Joe will settle Miggy Cabs right down real quick, just see if he doesn’t! We’re gonna make A.J. Burnett sorry he ever left this team, yes indeedy doo!)

But both these teams have really quick fellows. On the one hand, you have White Sox leadoff guy Scott Podsednik. Man, is that dude relatively fast! His speciality is stealing bases — hey, he stole a couple more than I did this year! But he also got thrown out ten more times than me, so that’s not so good. And, while he doesn’t get on base as much as some pencil-neck journalists want him to, he was still at a .351 OBP this year, which isn’t really all that bad. In fact, it was much better than mine this year, and I’m supposed to be good! So I’m gonna insist you give ol’ Scotty Pods (I can call him this, we’re down, we partied a couple times back when he was with the Brewers) some props, he deserves ’em. And hey, he gives all old fat Chicago white guys someone to root for, and that’s important.

As for the Astros, the only guy there who can actually run is Willy Taveras. He’s actually much worse at getting on base than either me or Pods. And he only stole 34 bases this year, but I guess that’s okay for a rookie. His big claim to fame is “infield hits,” which he gets a lot of. But all that means is that he can’t hit the ball out of the infield, so I wouldn’t be bragging about that if I were him. Willy T has some pop — he hit one more home run than I did this year, but it was a down year for me, stupid IBS flareups — but he’s the only person who can do more than waddle on that team. Seriously, have you seen an slower bunch of guys than the Astros? Lance Berkman runs like a jack o’lantern on Midol, Biggio has lost about eighteen steps, and don’t even get me started about Lane or Lamb or whoever. Even Phil Garner’s mustache is slow. So, yeah, little buddy better step up in the World Series.

Actually, he probably doesn’t have to. Everyone in baseball KNOWS that stealing bases and getting infield hits is bullshit. Of course we do, we’re not stupid. But here’s the way we look at it: it makes the fans happy to see us fast dudes getting all wheely out there. And if it makes the fans happy, then it makes the owner happy, and the owner gives the manager a raise, and the manager plays us more, so we have to run more. Sure, it’s a vicious cycle, but who cares, they don’t call this The Show for nothing. I love making people happy, especially our fans. If that was my team in the World Series, I’d be hustling on every play, smiling and not chewing gun, nice neat uniform all messed up with dirt,, crooked cap, the whole shebang.

Oh, wait, I promised to say who the slow guys are on these teams. How about this: ALL OF THEM except the two above. As far as “will speed help either team,” the answer is NO. I guess I don’t have anything else to say about that.

Juan Pierre is an outfielder for the Florida Marlins. He was born in Mobile, Alabama.

Baseball’s Late-Night Shame

Posted on by Phil Mushnick · 3 Comments

mushnick

The other night, at precisely 11:47 pm, Albert Pujols lifted a Brad Lidge slider high into the Houston sky. Capping off a miraculous comeback that kept the Cardinals alive, game 5 of the NLCS immediately entered the pantheon of great playoff moments. Except for one problem.

I didn’t see it.

If you go to sleep at a decent hour like me, you haven’t seen any of the great moments of this postseason. Baseball long ago prostituted itself to its advertisers, but there was an implicit understanding in all the corporate muckety-muck: this was a traditional game, a world away from the late-night madness of Monday Night Football.

No longer. In the rush to maximize ratings and squeeze every dollar out of its long-suffering fans, baseball has broken the pact that defined the sport for generations. “Prime-time” baseball is an ugly stain on sports. Yet baseball officials insist that the hype is overblown. After all, it’s only fans in the east who have a reason to gripe.

Apparently, there’s even this new invention called the Central Time Zone. I must have missed the memo! As the World Series begins – featuring two teams out in that anonymous fly-over netherworld – you can be sure that we’ll all risk our health if we want to see who wins.

Fox isn’t solely complicit in its attempt to wreck the game. The Cardinals closed out the Padres two weeks ago in a game that started at 11:00 PM Eastern – a start time requested by ESPN, which had an important college football game to televise.

You’d think that ESPN, having destroyed the tradition of Saturday college football, could have moved that game to a Tuesday or something, just to show how seriously it takes academics. Instead, the Padres and Cardinals were banished to TV Siberia, and it’s no wonder San Diego played demoralized baseball. The only people watching were perverts, insomniacs, and even a few people who don’t write for the Daily News.

Baseball needs to do something, and soon. Not wanting to glorify delinquency, I can’t support day games, such as those that were the norm in my youth. In this day and age, would kids listen to Mel Allen on transistor radios, the way I did? Fat chance. Disruptive young punks would use October baseball matinees as an excuse to skip school and loiter about shiftlessly, grabbing their crotches and smoking crack on public transit. Kids these days could care less about the World Series; they don’t even put their baseball caps on straight anymore, and they won’t even buy them in the first place unless they come in unofficial, gang-related colors. Would a disciplinarian like Joe Torre let his players take the field in camouflage Yankees caps like those worn by crack-affiliated rapper Young Jeezy?

But the harsh reality of TV is that ESPN could have done better showing marathons of “Playmakers” than that Padres game. We’ve lost all respect for the things that once defined our culture. It isn’t enough that sports serve as a stage for the deification of pill-popping thugs. It’s just that we’d all rather watch WWE pay-per-views than America’s pastime. And without public outcry, baseball will keep pushing the envelope. ESPN and Fox both do their best to obscure the game itself behind wall-to-wall graphics and whooshing sound effects. The older generation had Vin Scully and Harry Caray. In the 21st century, we have Stuart Scott the talking knucklehead and Scooter the talking knuckleball.

Boo-yah, indeed.

Phil Mushnick is a columnist for the New York Post.

Kabir’s Korner: Albert, Glory Is Transitory

Posted on by Kabir · Leave a comment

Albert, they all talk about you,
How with one mighty swing
You have changed destiny —
But have you really?

After all, your overhyped foe
Was fading, intimidated, shaky;
For God’s sake, who puts Edmonds
On base with you on deck?

With two outs, two on, one strike,
Scientists have determined,
You already had a 7.3% chance
To win the game with the next pitch.

Was it really your powerful swing
That caused your moonshot?
Is it not rather that ball and bat
Were both part of a larger pattern?

Much is written about you, Albert,
But truly little is known.
Will the accolades matter
If your team loses tonight?

Will not all of our exploits
Swoon like pale blue orchid fields
Under the withering drench
Of the monsoons of August?

Having once saved the world,
You must do it again and again;
Vishnu knows the rest of the lineup
Sucks like a Dyson vacuum cleaner.

If you succeed, do not let crowds
Sway you, Albert, from the truth.
No spiritual credit accrues
From all your dingers.

And if you fail, do not rend garments
Or gnash your terrible teeth!
Smile bravely, and have faith
In next year, and Walt Jocketty.

Kabir says, glory is transitory.
Play instead for inner pride,
Albert, and play for the 500 dinars
Kabir has wagered on you!

Kabir was a 15th century Indian mystic and seer, and a huge fan of the National League. His baseball poetry is available in a new translation by Vijay Chaganta.

Chip Chip Cheeep Contreras Screeee

Posted on by Rally Monkey · 1 Comment

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The Rally Monkey is an employee of the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim.

General Bleep

Posted on by Larry Bowa · 1 Comment

Well, don’t that beat all. Here I thought an old teammate was gonna give old L-Bow a little bend, and maybe let me help him fix his f*cked-up team. Not that I would’ve taken the damn job, but when Billy Bob called me – yeah, he called me himself! – he sounded a little choked up. Maybe someone broke his sliderule, I dunno. Anyway, it was bullsh*t – turns out that old Beano still can’t do a damn thing right, as he re-upped that mook Macha for another three years, and left the one guy that could help his sh*t team in the lurch.

What the f*ck ever. General managers are just overpaid no-talent pieces of sh*t with fancy suits and a f*cking expense account. And a tin eye for f*cking talent. Look at the crap signed this off-season to multi-million dollar contracts. Wonderjew Theo Epstein actually gave money to f*cking Edgar Renteria. $300K for every error’s one helluva bargain, kid! Brian Cashman – aka Steinbrenner’s C*ckpuppet – gave money to both Jaret Wright AND Carl Pavano. And Tony Womack! Remember him? Speedy little no-talent f*ck trying to horn in on Eckstein’s racket? His *ss and the bench are f*cking spooning as I type – save it for the broom closet, *sshat.

And who’s the sh*thead that gave money to Orlando Cabrera and Old Man Finley in Anaheim, while letting a bonafide superstar like Troy Glaus screw to Arizona? He’s eligible for Mensa membership, too! And YEAH THAT’S ANAHEIM NOT F*CKING LOS ANGELES YOU FISH TACO, tho that pencild*ck in La-La Land didn’t have so hot a season, either. And look at this blind-leading-the-blind sh*t – boy genius Jon Heyman repping for *ssmaster Ken Williams, the GM of the White Sox:

Nobody else had Williams’ year, filled with great moves and practically no praise. Like his club, the second team in the Second City, Williams is overlooked and over-criticized. If he isn’t Executive of the Year, they shouldn’t award a trophy.

Whoop dee sh*t “Executive of the Year”. What kinda f*cking talent do you need to make stupid f*cking moves that luck out? Oh, yeah – trading for a Polish jumping bean like Podsednik is BRILLIANT! Overpaying for a washed-up slugger? GENIUS! Trading for a no-good ball-scratching backstabbing b*tch to be your catcher? SO SMART I CAN’T STAND IT! Signing the latest piece of sushi to fall off the top of Mt. Fuji? WAY TO GO EINSTEIN! And how about hiring Ozzie G the Shower-Hating Quote Machine to be a f*cking retard in your dugout? HOLY SH*T WHERE’S THE NOBEL PRIZE FOR THIS F*CK?!?! So they won the most games in the AL – yeah, it’s tough when you get the Kansas City Queens & the Minnesota Ho-Hos for 40+ games. And, oooh, they beat the Red Sox! The Red Sox couldn’t beat their own d*cks if they had a quart of Vaseline, a f*cking diagram, and and a set of Girls Gone Wild DVDs!

If you really want to ruin your already sh*tty live and become a GM, here’s what you need, kids:

1) a lobotomy
2) a college degree from some f*cking Ivy League girls’ school
2) a gag reflex

Imagine having to sit in a room with some slimy salt-hating sh*tstain trying to convince you that his client – probably three toots to the wind in some Chinatown dive with Long Duck Phong playing kidney Pachinko – is worth the Gross National Product of a f*cking African state per year. For over ten f*cking years. And the guy in question is a RELIEF PITCHER. Hey, Mr. Eduardo “I Used To Have a Job Before My Employers Saw How Stupid I Be” Wadely – any of this sound familiar? You really surprised you’re out on your *ss after the crap you saddled Philly with? The place is f*cked enough as is w/out having to deal with Thome’s trick back for another 29 years, let alone Mr. Ooh-La-La Rheal Cormier de Turdburglar. Hope the new guy enjoys the Homerdome you built. Sh*thead.

So, yeah, Beaner, you can take your fancy headgames and your Apple IIe and your wrestling moves and shove ’em straight up the same hole the A’s season went, you spudf*cker. I wouldn’t work for your overrated cr*p *ss if I was given fifty million dollars a year! Hell, I wouldn’t do it for league minimum! And you can bet your d*ck I wouldn’t even dream of coming onto Macha’s staff to do any damn thing for your piece of sh*t no-talent over-reaching group of anklegrabbers, so don’t even THINK of calling me at home tonight with a three-year offer with an option for a fourth for any damn thing BECAUSE I WILL not TAKE IT.

And let me say this one more time, in case you were busy carrying the one – don’t CALL ME WITH AN OFFER becuase I WILL not TAKE IT. I would HATE to mislead MY current CO-WORKERS by making them believe I’D LEAVE THIS cushy PIECE OF SH*T gig IN A HEARTBEAT. Hell, I’D TAKE A PAYCUT if they asked me. I CAN’T WAIT TO LEAVE my house tomorrow and come into work. And don’t think I would ever say KRUK IS A BACKWATER *SSBERRY, because he’s my boy. So don’t CALL ME AROUND 7 PM ON MY CELL. You f*ck.

Fact or Fiction: reflections on the 2005 ALCS

Posted on by Chuck LaMar · 1 Comment

[ed: In this new Yard Work feature, two baseball personalities go head-to-head over a series of timely discussion topics. The participants are presented with a statement and are asked to respond to it by either agreeing (FACT) or disagreeing (FICTION), along with an explanation of their thought processes. In this week’s installment, ex-Devil Ray GM Chuck LaMar and ex-Oriole GM Jim Beattie will talk about issues related to the 2005 ALCS between the Chicago White Sox and the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim.]

 

1. The Angels made a wise move by not including ace Bartolo Colon on the ALCS roster.

LaMar. FICTION. This was a poor move. Colon’s precise injury status isn’t completely known at this point. He could take two or three weeks to recover, but it might also take just two or three days. What if it’s the latter? Mike Scioscia will feel a bit silly if his ace is ready for Game 4 but can’t pitch because he was left off the roster.

Instead of sticking with proven veterans like Colon, they’re using the strategy that we pioneered in Tampa Bay by experimenting with youngsters. The Angels are hoping that they’ve found their very own Scott Kazmir in the person of Ervin Santana. Naturally, many teams want a young buck like Kazmir to anchor their rotation, but I’m not sure if the playoffs are the best time to be experimenting with such things. The idea is to pitch kids like Kazmir when they’re 19 or 20, and by the time they get to be Ervin Santana’s age, their teams are playoff-ready and these so-called kids are ready to handle the adult rigors of the postseason. Santana has been thrown into the fire straight away and I’m not sure if he can handle the pressure.

Beattie. FACT. The Angels will be fine without Colon. Pitchers with his sizeable girth aren’t to be trusted. These out-of-shape behemoths can melt down in an instant. Unless you get lucky, and that pitcher starts driving drunk every other weekend, then you’ve thrown millions of precious dollars down the drain with little hope of recovering it. It’s better to use that money to acquire proven sluggers, which by the looks of things, are the types of hitters that the power-starved Angels could use right now. Unfortunately for them, it’s about two months too late for me to aid them in that regard.

2. The keys to the ALCS are the Angels’ bullpen and the White Sox’s rotation. Whichever group outperforms the other will take their team to the World Series.

LaMar. FACT. The Angels need to get to Chicago’s starters early and hope the bullpen can hold the lead. Their bullpen is certainly solid, but they’re lacking the presence of a young flamethrowing pitcher like Scott Kazmir. Frankie Rodriguez played that role for the Angels during their 2002 playoff run, but he’s too old to fill that void now.

Beattie. FICTION. I can’t agree with you there, Chuck. This series is about hitting. The White Sox need injured veterans like Frank Thomas and Magglio Ordonez to step up and earn their millions. Their offense is solid without them but they owe it to their fans to play out those contracts. Anything less would be cheating the fans who have supported the team for so long. As for the Angels, Tim Salmon is on the playoff roster and should be playing a key role, just as he did in 2002. Why isn’t he playing? Both teams have struggled to score thus far in the series and that will have to change if either team wants to come out a winner.

[ed: Let’s swap the order!]

3. The blown call in Game 2 was the worst umpiring mistake in the history of baseball.

Beattie. FICTION. Hardly. Just last year, we saw Bronson Arroyo run into poor Alex Rodriguez during a key moment in the ALCS. I groomed Alex from the time he was a young baseball pup in the Mariners organization. I was the director of player development and I cared for my players like they were my own children. I know in my heart that Alex would never do to Arroyo what people said he did. That call hurt me in my heart far more than the call in Game 2 this year.

La Mar. FICTION. I’ve seen worse calls this year. This past May against Minnesota, the Devil Rays were burned by a terrible call at first base in the fifth inning. We’d just taken three out of four games from the Yankees and were on the verge of turning our season around. Scott Kazmir, our ace, our young stud, was on the mound for us but the game unravelled from that point on. We not only lost the contest, but we lost our best shot at taking another series from a contending team and making some noise in the AL East pennant race. So please don’t talk to me about blown calls.

4. With the AL Central emerging as possibly the league’s deepest and most competitive division, this is the White Sox best chance to go the World Series and they need to take advantage of it.

Beattie. FACT. If the season had ended in June, then the Orioles would be in the World Series right now and I might still have my job. Oppurtunities to win don’t come along very often. When they do come along you need to take hold of them and make them happen. If Alex Rodriguez had played a full season in 1995, complimenting Junior and Big Unit’s year-long brilliance, then there’d be a World Series banner hanging in Seattle right now. As a front office executive, you have to believe that sort of rhetoric no matter what the cost.

LaMar. FICTION. Don’t be such a crybaby. Baseball is cyclical. The strongest divisions right now will be the weakest ones in five or six years. Throughout my tenure with the Devil Rays, I always said they were only five or six years away from contending for a pennant, and I still believe that today. With young talent like Scott Kazmir and Carl Crawford on that club, I think I’ll be proven correct. So no, if the ChiSox lose this year then new oppurtunities will come along in future years. As long as they don’t have to face Scott Kazmir in the playoffs, of course!