Greetings! It is I, The Amazing Criswell, here from beyond the pale shadow of the underworld to talk to you about the future of next year that could come to pass very soon! The world of professional sports is a volatile volcano of ash and volcanic lava, but nothing compares to the virtual Vesuvius that is the professional off-season of baseball in the Major Leagues! To help you prepare for the upcoming season that is coming soon, I will offer you my FEARLESS PREDICTIONS that will come to pass before the oncoming arrival of next April and beyond! Take heed, those of you that dare gaze into these upcoming events, and do not take my warnings lightly – they will come to pass sooner than you may begin to realize!

I PREDICT … that the Toronto Blue Jays will sign Hall-of-Famer-to-be Roger Clemens to a four year contract worth over eighty million American dollars! At the press conference for this signing, General Manager J.P. Riccardi will say, “Roger is one of the greatest pitchers in baseball history and we’re thrilled to welcome him back to the Blue Jays nearly ten years after he signed here hoping to win a World Series.” Clemens and newly-signed Blue Jay A.J. Burnett will then kill each other during a pre-game scuffle involving a fungo bat, a pine tar rag, and a contentious discussion regarding the comical merits of Larry the Cable Guy and Bill Engvall!

I PREDICT … that the San Diego Padres will look to trade Brian Giles, despite having signed him to a lucrative free-agent contract not just a few weeks ago! The Giles signing, in fact, is part of a long-term gambit set in motion by General Manager Kevin Towers, to exact revenge upon the New York Yankees for their humiliating four-game sweep of the Padres in the 1998 World Series. The Padres will trade Giles to the Yankees for Chien-Ming Wang and Robinson Cano while Yankee GM Brian Cashman is getting his car serviced. Wang will win the National League Cy Young Award despite having a 7-21 record. Cano will be demoted to AA after a horrendous 1-for-50 start that culminates in an errant throw killing manager Bruce Bochy’s great-aunt. Giles will play only 40 games his first year with the Yankees, and will be forced to retire. Giles will be remembered most in New York for calling WFAN’s Mike Franscesa a “poor man’s Chris Berman,” a comment that will soon lead to Franscesa being replaced on Mike & The Maddog by NPR senior news analyst (and Philadelphia A’s fan) Daniel Schorr. I cannot forsee how Giles will get hurt, but I PREDICT that Alex Rodrigeuz will be involved!

I PREDICT … that Joe Girardi, new manager of the now-decimated Florida Marlins, will snap and hold Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria at gunpoint, demanding that he “take back” all of the Marlins trades made this offseason. “If I wanted to manage a dead-end team,” he will tell police, “I would’ve taken the bleeping Devil Ray job!” After a standoff that last for almost 48 hours, Girardi will turn himself in after former teammate Jim Leyritz tells him to “man the f*ck up” and “let that fat piece of sh*t stew in his own piss.” Girardi will then resign as Marlins mananger, and become the star of the latest David E. Kelley hour-long drama, Flying Coach. He will play the role of Sparky DaMotto, a former baseball player turned airline pilot, trying to rebuild his life after a Tourette’s outburst during a nationally televised press conference prematurely ended his sports career. The series will also star Joely Fisher as the anorexic love interest, Sean Young as his stepmother, and Powers Boothe as his irrascable, yet lovable, boss. Girardi will win 5 Emmys for his heartwrenching portrayal, despite the show only lasting 16 episodes!

I PREDICT … that, in lieu of contraction, the Kansas City Royals will move to Cuba in 2010, shortly following the death of Fidel Castro and the appointment of a US-controlled puppet regime. They will be called the Havana Humidors. Their mascot will be named Happy Hermano, and he will look suspiciously like the Cleveland Indians’ Chief Wahoo, but with a sombrero, a red, while, and blue serape, and gruff stubble. And, yes, a cigar! They will hire Minnie Minoso as a player / manager and Orlando Hernandez as a player / pitching coach / hitting coach / bullpen catcher. They will win the World Series in their third year, and then lose 100 games their next five seasons. Minoso will only manage for the first seven years of the franchise’s existance, and only play for the first three, before becoming manager of the New York/ New Jersey Tri-State Area Yankees of Brooklyn. He will finish 4th in MVP balloting in 2013, behind the Red Sox’s Wily Mo Pena, the Mariners’ Daniel Almonte, and Humidor reliever / President of Operations Mariano Rivera!

And, finally, I PREDICT … that the following will occur: Alfonso Soriano will play for the Nationals – AS THEIR CATCHER; Mike Piazza will play center field for the Anaheim Angels – and will then be traded to the Milwaukee Brewers for DANNY KOLB; Brad Ausmus will hit 40 home runs – IN THE HOME RUN DERBY; David Ortiz will steal 30 bases – BY THE ALL STAR BREAK; Julio Franco outhits Carlos Delgado, THEN DIES of a heart attack in October caused by his wife, Anna Franco; Larry Bowa will be accused of poisoning Joe Torre, but the culprit will be DON ZIMMER; Sidney Ponson will pitch his team to the League Championship Series; and, not least but last, Mark Prior will win 20 games – IN ONE MONTH!

And that is all I, The Amazing Criswell, have for you this month! Perhaps I will return at a later date in the future to be determined by unknown forces from the present to offer more forseen truths! Or perhaps you would like The Amazing Criswell to predict the answers to questions you may wish to pose, but have not yet been able to speak for fear of being answered! If this is the case you dare to open, then leave your inquiry in the comments section of this post, and I shall return from the cold grip of doom and destruction to offer you insight to what may or may not be the answer that will show you the truth!

As I have said many times in Ed Wood’s Plan 9 From Outer Space – future events such as these will affect YOU in the future, which is where we will spend the rest of our lives! Be safe, gentle readers, and BEWARE!

The Amazing Criswell is a renowned psychic and movie star, and predicted the world would end on August 18, 1999.

Hey out there in web land! Joseph Parnell Sullivan Jr. here, to talk to you about the greatest game in the world. (That’s baseball, ya stupid pile of bantha poo-doo.) Most peeps call me Sully II: Electric Bugaboo, but you can call me, like the title says, Your Pal Joey. These guys at this here site, they’re all right, givin’ a kid like me a chance to chew your ear off. But these guys know what’s what – I got plenty to say about stuff, and I’m not afraid to say something controversial. Jim Rome better go home after I’m done unless he wants to feel the shadow sting of Makuta‘s staff, you hear me?

Now hold onto your hats, but in case you didn’t know, I’m a diehard member of the Nation. I’ve been a fan of the Sawx for about six years now, and they’ve been the best six years of my life. (They might be the only six years of my life, but, hey, who’s counting?) This team’s seen it all – Pedro being Pedro, Manny being Manny, D-Lowe being The Guy Making The D-Lowe Face, Nomah being Mr. Mia Hamm, Schilling being DA MAN, Big Papi being DA BIGGER MAN, and so on. And I don’t doubt that, when it’s all said and done, this team will be one of the best in baseball of all time, no doubt about it. And being that this team’s so good, it’s obvious some folks out there can’t help but hate us. Everyone hates the cool guy in school with the hot Legos and the naptime mat that’s pee-free, because they’re jealous. And you know no team’s more jealous of how great the Nation is than those no good punks in New York. Bunch of no-talent, loudmouth jerks that think you can buy your way out of trouble. KEEP TRYING, GEORGIE!

What’s worse about the Empire and all their blood money – they try harder than hell to spin crap their way! Like how many times are folks gonna wax Robinson Cano’s NEXT DEREK JETER pole? Bro’s gonna chafe, y’know – use some lotion! Oh GOD what about this “Shawn Chacon saved the Yankees’ season” lip-flapping? And, wait a sec, wasn’t Melky Cabrera supposed to be the next Willie Mays? Come on! This New York media bias is straight up smells-like-Boston-Harbor garbage, no effing doubt! And I know you’re as sick of this garbage as I am, which is why I’m using my first post to say three words: FIRE JOE SHEEHAN!

Seeing as we’re all on the internet, you all know who Sheehan is: big fancy baseball writer for that big fancy Baseball Prospectus website with all the fancy stupid numbers everyone gets all stupid about. Fact is, this Sheehan guy’s just another stupid Yankee fan that can’t stand to see the Sawx do well. Yeah, he pretends to be all impartial and crap, but everyone knows he’s just another member of the Al-Yankzeira media empire, doing everything he can to spread the word about how effin’ great the Yankees are. And this isn’t just the usual snowjob you can expect from your typical YES man – this is some serious black ops crap. He even went so far undercover, he actually contributed to a book about the Sawx! How sick is that? That’s like priest-with-kiddie-porn having-sex-with-dogs sick! That’s like Dragonball-pwns-Pokemon sick!

But, of course, like any two-faced punk, his true colors came shining through. After the Sawx make that SICK trade to get Josh Beckett & Mike Lowell from the Marlins, you know what Sheehan said? I’ll tell you what he said, and I don’t care that stupid fancy Baseball Prospectus is a pay site, I ain’t paraphrasing jack! He said, “If it’s possible to not like a trade for either team, this is that trade.”

Lemme type that again: “If it’s possible to not like a trade for either team, this is that trade.”

WHAT THE HELL, DUDE? Man, if I wasn’t potty trained, I’d have a set of dirty diapers to deal with! Never mind you bagging on my boy H-Ram (which is a chump move, JS) – you think trading some chits for one of the best young pitchers in the game and a three-time All Star is a bad trade? Are you stupid, or are you just scared that you’re gonna be stuck with Wright & Pavano next year in the rotation? Sheehan and his Prospectus “buddies” pride themselves on their analysis and junk, but what this guy thinks is analysis is just outright propoganda. The webpage should have black stripes all over it, it’s so obvious.

I mean, come on: “For this package, the Sox got back a highly-regarded right arm who has yet to hold up over a full major-league season.” Well, let me tell you about a pitcher by the name of PEDRO MARTINEZ. No higher an authority than Tommy “Baseball Ambassador” Lasorda said that Pedro was too weak to pitch. And look what he’s doing. And Beckett’s, like, ten years younger than Pedro. And, for a guy with Beckett’s stuff, that’s a long time to do some damage.

And, sure, maybe Lowell had an off year last year, but whatever – he’s still one of the best third basemen in the game, and anyone that says otherwise doesn’t know a Magic Hat from a Rolling Rock. Maybe Sheehan’s still upset that Lowell was flipped by the Yankees for some minor league junk – WAY TO GO, GEORGIE! Yeah, sure, maybe A-Fraud’s a better hitter (or slapper – ha!), but Lowell’s, like, ten times the man that sissy boy will ever be. Rolen’s done, that guy on the Cubs is a roid retard, that jerk on the Rangers can’t even spell his name right, and don’t even get me started on Eric Chavez and that WEAK patch of peachfuzz on his chin. Hey, Matt Clement called, Chavez – told me to tell you to buy a clue and some imagination. (BURN!)

Another plus that’ll lead to a Lowell comeback: now that butcher boy Edgar Renteria got shipped off to Hotlanta (thank Christ), the hot corner guy won’t have to overcompensate for the fancy free-agent SS forgetting how to use that leather thing in his hand. No wonder Billy Muell sucked last year – if I had to cover for Edgar’s glove AND bat, I’d pull on my crankypants, too!

And, oh boy, when Sheehan bothers to write about the latest Sawx steal (ANDY MARTE BITCHES!), I can only imagine how he’s gonna spin that crap – “Clearly, the Red Sox front office doesn’t know anything, because if they used the right set of calipers, they’d realize that Edgar Renteria’s schlong is, like, ten times longer than Marte’s, and would have never made that trade, even though Marte is a bonafide Hall of Famer, and Renteria is just another example why the National League sucks.” Bro, just stop while your ahead, cash your Yankee paycheck, and stop trying to fool everyone. You’re faker than grape drink, son. Just sayin’.

In January, Joseph Parnell Sullivan Jr. will be starting his second semester of kindergarten at Old South Pre-School.

Ha! Wrong stripes, but close enough!

Nice to see someone took the f*cking hint I oh-so-subtlely offered last time. Thanks to Mr. George Steinbrenner and a couple bottles of Disaronno, I am finally part of a class baseball organization. Oh, yeah, some of you dipsh*ts are probably itching at the d*ck to go to your little web sites and post all the places where I busted the Yankees’ stones. Well, guess what, Gumby – I WAS FULL OF SH*T!

Took the wind right out of your sac with that one, didn’t I? Better bring back that porn page you were surfing, Spartadork. You think I was actually serious when I went off on one of my f*ckfests talking this sh*t and that sh*t about the New York F*cking Yankees? Hell no – those knobs at The Worldwide Leader of Sh*tty Poker Coverage make you do that crap. It’s all a sham, a combo of that left-wing East Coast media bias & trying to out-do F*cks Sports in the Who Can Yell Louder p*ssing contest that F*cks could with with a broken Whizzinator and a month-long drought. If you really think that everyone on the channel likes yelling & saying stupid sh*t, you’re pretty f*cking stupid, you sh*t. Stephen A. Smith? He’s like Doug Christie away from the camera! Woody Paige? Reads f*cking self-help books and eats sushi! Skip Bayless? Dude’s about as hard as a f*cking dinner roll. “Sports journalism” – ha! Try “fanfic” to describe the sh*t those crotchbunnies at DisneyCo. make us drop off at the pool.

All you need to know is that L-Bow was trying to save his *ss from getting canned because Larry’s gotta get paid. (That Rickey, he knows what’s what, no doubt. Yo, Rickey – get off yr ego and get back to work already!) Yeah, I got some demons, and they ain’t f*cking cheap to pay off. You know why? Because f*cking Sanjay tries charging me thirty f*cking dollars for a case of Beast Light – a REAL man’s beer – and I gotta tell him every g*ddamn time to CHECKO EL PRICE TAGO, EL F*CKO GRANDE. F*cking laser scanners. And then, after the meeting of the minds I have with the Bullet-Free Employee Of The Hour, I end up buying about twenty packs of beef jerky and a 3-month old issue of High Society just to keep his stank-*ss curry piehole shut.

Speaking of sh*tty jobs: those other numbf*ck orgs I pissed away my life for wouldn’t know real teamwork if it checked their *ss for colon cancer. Like, hi there, Mr. Fancy Producer B*tch, putting me and Krukoa together just means more work for me so I can translate that slob’s chicken-fry babble into f*cking English. It’s not like Ravvy was gonna do a damn thing – f*cking kid pisses himself stupid every time he’s on set. I swear that little rag has a pissbag tied to his leg. Dude scats himself more than Billie Holiday. It’s like, hey, maybe if you didn’t drink 50 cups of coffee before each show, you’d be able to sit still and keep your pants dry, you wangtard.

Anyway, my days of slumming with 40-watt CNN rejects and talking heads with a face that could crack diamonds are long gone now that I’m a part of Yankee F*cking Baseball. Twenty six rings, baby. You can’t f*ck with that sh*t. Maybe I’m overqualified to coach third base – I was a great f*cking manager, after all – but, hell, it’s the Yankees. They got their best shortstop playing third, their best pitcher closing, and their best pitching coach in Florida. You come to the Yankees, you gotta check your pride at the door, and that’s f*cking teamwork in a nutshell, Mr. Luis F*cking World Series Hero Sojo with his “oh, first base coaching is beneath me” jagbagging. Look, Tintin – you don’t wanna stay with the best organization in all of pro sports and actually do something with your p*sspoor life, then please don’t let my f*cking 2×4 hit your head on the way down.

And the same goes for all you free agent rejects that think the Yankee organization is the rebound b*tch you screw for a couple of weeks after your girl decides you have “a problem” and starts schtupping her f*cking Pilates instructor. (Yeah, flex this, Don Juan.) Like we need BJ Ryan – hello, we have the best f*cking closer of all time. The Blow Jobs can pay Blow Job Ryan as much as they want. They’ll be lucky if that one-hit wonder ever throws ONE PITCH that’s as good as what Rivera tosses up there on his worst day. And I don’t even want to hear anything about signing that dumb hick Farnsworth. F*ck, if you’re that desperate to suck, why not save a couple grand and get that Rocker f*ck to say stupid sh*t and fight everyone within five yards of his spit? He’ll lose just as many games as KYLE will, and has a thicker neck to boot.

Johnny Damon? F*ck that Cousin It b*tch. Seven years? Bullsh*t seven years, you roid-rumped *sswit. Hell, four years is too long to put up w/ your mid-game flights of WTF and his sh*t rockstar friends. Broheems makes Manny look like f*cking Baseball Einstein, the way he sorta forgets that, hey, I’m supposed to catch that, aren’t I? And I could find a 5-year-old quadriplegic with a better throwing arm than that prissy b*tch.

And Brian Giles? Are you kidding me? A chump that’s played for the Pirates AND the Padres? Hell, why not just start the season down 50 in the loss column? You know who the last player the Yankees got from the Pirates was? That’s right – steroid “stud” Matt Lawton. You know what he did? That’s right – jack f*cking sh*t. *sshat doesn’t want to play in New York, that’s understandable. Most guys can’t handle the pressure to succeed and do well – I mean, really, who would want to play for the winningest organization in all of baseball? Who’d want to follow in the steps of former Yankee greats like Joe D and the Mick and the Bobby “Bam Bam” Mercer and Bern Baby Bern? Those are tough shoes to fill, especially if you’re too chickensh*t to try them on. Rumor has it he’s going to Toronto, too. Figures. Run to Canada, you unpatriotic little d*cksqueeze. Hey, while you’re up there, tell those f*cking hosers to make money that looks like money already. And f*ck this Canadian quarter sh*t – if I get one more of those f*cking pieces of tin from a vending machine, I’m gonna crosscheck you b*tchtits into next Boxing Day, eh?

You know what the Yankees need right now? I’ll tell you what – not one godd*mn thing. You know why? Because we’re the Yankees, baby! Winning for the Yankees is like passing out drunk for a Hilton sister – it’s what we do, it’s in our blood. Fuck, you can’t pass gas in the Yank clubhouse without knocking over some trophy or award. The minute you put on that uniform, the second you step out onto that field, you are a bonafide winner. And if you’re caught faking it (like The Gambler or that Vazquez chick or that Ed Whitson pr*ck, A FORMER PADRE BY THE WAY), you’re out faster than you can say, “Taxi!” or “F*ck you, Bloomberg!”

The Yankees are manifest destiny writ large or some sh*t. Survival of the fittest. What the f*ck ever. Yankees always win. I don’t even know why we bother w/ the f*cking season, to be honest. It’s such a joke how good they are, the Yankees have to bend over backwards just to give other teams a chance to win. You think that ALDS win by the Angels was legit? F*ck that. Next you’ll tell me Bartolo Colon deserved the Cy Young. I’d tell you who should’ve won, but you already know. And guess what? He’s a Yankee. Stick that in your pipe and f*ck it.