Hey there, sports fans!
It is with a sense of great pleasure and profound gratitude that today I bid welcome to you, the loyal followers of the National League Wild Card Team! [cheering, applause]
We are resolved to dedicate ourselves, body and soul, to the playoffs. I believe that every one of you, my fellow Wisconsinites, will not care for your life but gladly share in the honor to make of yourself the Brew Crew’s humble supporters.
The key to victory lies in a ‘faith in victory.’ For 26 years, our team has not known the playoffs. This record alone is enough to produce a conviction in our ability to crush any enemy no matter how strong. Let us pledge ourselves that we will never again live down to our inglorious history, but will go forward.
The rise or fall of our team and the prosperity or ruin of Miller Park and the American beer and sausage industries literally depend upon the outcome of this playoff series agains the Phillies. Truly it is time for the six million residents of this state to dedicate all we have and sacrifice everything for our team’s cause. As long as there remains a high enthusiasm and a great spirit of loyalty and patriotism, we have nothing to fear in playing Philadelphia, who after all really only won two more games than we did.
During the past centuries other big-market clubs, through fraud and aggression, maintained their domination over other teams by waving large piles of capitalism under the noses of the best players. On the other hand, the Brewers have done no such thing — we have a couple of superstars, but they are all homegrown. Well, except for Sabathia, he’s a rental. Dare I dream about a rent-to-own situation? Sadly, I daren’t.
But with the recent unleashing of the pocketbook a few years ago, the Brewers began to pursue their ambition for world hegemony. More recently, we were supposed to clean up this year, and we would have too had it not been for the fact that we spent a quarter of the season playing with our hands around our throats. I’ve tried that — doesn’t work.
It is my belief that to enable all small-market teams each to have its proper place and to enjoy the blessings of common prosperity by mutual efforts and mutual help is the fundamental condition for the establishment of equity in Major League Baseball. And I must furthermore say that to practice mutual help among the neighboring teams in one region, fostering one another’s growth and establishing a relationship of common prosperity and well-being, is a nice thing in theory, but let’s face it, Cubs fans are assholes.
Yes, we have won the Wild Card berth…but now is exactly where we we find ourselves at a crossroads. A superior order of baseball has existed in Wisconsin from its very beginning, even back in our illustrious Negro League Teams of the 1920s and 1930s. The spiritual essence of baseball in Milwaukee is the most sublime in the world.
It is my belief that in the wide diffusion throughout the world of this culture, by its further cultivation and refinement lies the salvation of mankind from the curse of materialistic civilization and our contribution to the welfare of all humanity, would be just super. It is incumbent upon us all mutually to respect our own glorious traditions and to develop the creative spirit and genius of our peoples and thereby to enhance our culture even more . It’s kind of like when I was on "Mr. Belvidere."
The new order of Milwaukee Brewer baseball which we are building is not exclusive unto itself, but rather it seeks positively to enter into cooperative relations with the teams of the world, politically, economically and also culturally, and thus contribute to the world’s advancement.
Our playoff run is being realized with a grim steadiness in the midst of hardship — we had a mere pittance of a payroll compared with the other top teams in the National League, but we triumphed against all odds. This surely must be regarded as the grandest spectacle of human effort in modern times.
Ours is a righteous cause. Justice knows no enemy and we are fully convinced of our ultimate victory. The Brew Crew is firmly determined to carry on with indefatigable spirit and with conviction in sure victory in this war, the intensity of which is expected to mount from day to day. Milwaukee , by overcoming all difficulties, will do her full share to complete the construction of a more equal structure and contribute to the establishment of world peace which is the common mission of us all.
Victory, I am convinced, is always with the illustrious virtues of our homeland. In making known these humble views of mine, I join with all my countrymen in pledging myself to assist in the grand enterprise.
Now let’s win some ballgames out there!