Okay, losers, here’s the deal. I’m back, and I know you missed me. I should do a whole thing here about “oh the new season” and “ah Opening Day is a national holiday” and all that shinola — but come on, it’s me, Spart-Dawgz, the only daddy that’ll walk the line. I keep it real 25/8/369.

Also, for me, the season never ends. Part of the reason for that is fantasy baseball. You know how “real” baseball people always say “oh fantasy baseball is for weenies and losers who don’t know how to appreciate the sport properly”? And then you look at them and they look like they’d be more comfortable wearing a powered wig and breeches, doing lines of snuff off the red coats of our British occupying force? Yeah, me too. Screw them guys. Fantasy baseball is cool as hell and you all know it.

We here at Yard Work know that there’s nothing your little hearts desire more than the chance for some of our columnists (mostly me) to kick your ass at a little fantasy baseball. So we’re reaching out to you, our loyal readership, for the chance to join in on the fun.

We have a Yahoo! league all ready to go, drafting on April 1 at 11:30 a.m. EST / 10:30 CST / 9:30 MST / 8:30 PST. Around here, we roll straight-up SABR stats (well, as much as Yahoo! lets us), we severely limit trades but the waiver wire is wide open like yr granny, our league has more wrinkles than [REMOVED –YW Eds.].

I’m in, and I think Anna Benson and Hee Seop will be in there too, a certain recently-semi-retired leadoff legend, maybe some others. It’s gonna rock. You have not been trash-talked until you’ve had Rickey Henderson busting it out with the third-person jive. AND WE WANT YOU (if but only for me to make fun of).

Here’s what you need to do to get a spot in our league: Write up a 100-word essay about why you think you can hang with us in our league and why you deserve a spot. Make it funny if you want, but don’t even try to be as funny as us, because yeah right. Send your essay to us at yard.work@gmail.com by midnight on March 27. Anyone who actually does a good one will be notified and given the top secret address and password for our league. We will only be accepting a few applications, so don’t be a jerk, get it in right away.

Y’know, like I did with yr granny.

Spartacus is a top baseball analyst with ties to most major clubs in the U.S., Japan, and Kenya. His new book, “DAMN You’re an Idiot for Not Knowing More About Sabermetrics,” is available via mail-order and wherever intelligent people congregate to kick the ol’ gong around.