As I have stated many times, I am the only adult human male in the world who still likes the NBA. I do love this game, every sweaty marijuana-addled bit of it. But time is short these days, with one thing and another — “one thing” being my book tour, “another” being the ol’ ball and chain and baby Larry Bird Curt Schilling Tom Brady Simmons at home. (Just kidding. We didn’t name her that. We dropped Schilling and put in David Ortiz.)

So this won’t have the usual brilliant introduction the way it has in the past. Actually, my buddy Hinch says I’ve been phoning my NBA Previews in for years. He says I’m just kind of coasting anymore, resorting to dull stereotypes and the same tired jokes and pop culture references time and time again. This is why I call him in the middle of the night and hiss, “Have you checked the children?” before hanging up. Works like a charm. One does not mess with Cobra Kai.

But I have kept the best and most adorable part of the Simmons Annual NBA Preview: the series of quotes from a classic film that I end up somehow shoehorning into my discussion of all thirty teams. I’m throwing kind of a curveball at you this year, though — it’s a film that I haven’t talked about over and over before, to the point where you just want to blow the back of your head all over the den. I’ve always loved this movie, from the first time I saw it on video in junior high school. It’s got everything a great movie should have: martial arts, science fiction, gunplay, thousand-year-old Chinese guys with disgusting skin, bust-your-gut jokes, and a love story that isn’t really a love story.

Yep, it’s John Carpenter’s Big Trouble in Little China. And yep, it’s my Eastern Conference preview. Hold onto your toupees, America, here we go.

“Hey, I’m a reasonable guy. I’ve just experienced some very unreasonable things.”
15. Toronto Raptors
Okay, they managed to land Vince Carter, who hated their guts and pretended to be injured so he could go somewhere good. It worked, even if he did end up in New Jersey — we’ll talk about them in a second. So this leaves exactly who left in Toronto? Well…um…lemme see…oh yeah, Chris Bosh. And Mike James is there now, he’s been good at times. Also they have the best Brazilian center not named Nene. So you have to think that Bosh is feeling kind of unreasonable right now. He’ll have a great year for fantasy basketball nerds, but that’s about it. There will never be a good NBA team in Canada. Because it’s Canada. Deal with it.

Sit tight, hold the fort and keep the home fires burning. And if we’re not back by dawn… call the president.
14. Washington Wizards