Obviously I’m a damn fine looking guy, but folks making me out to be some smooth-talking Jamie Foxx type of cat makes me laugh. Way I see it, making love is a lot like football – it doesn’t hurt to know what you’re doing ahead of time. It takes hard work, preparation, and lots and lots of practice, sometimes by yourself. And it’s the same whether you’re making the moves on some fine thing sitting all alone at the bar, or the woman that washes your stanky-ass underwear. That being said, allow me to share with you folks how I do when it’s 1st and goal and you’re looking to go deep. Think of this as my 102-minute drill.
1. Peabo Bryson – “Can You Stop The Rain?”
I like to start things off nice and slow, and my boy Peabo is the way to go. After a long week of 2-a-days and onside kick drills, I just come home to my Kiya, slide this into my record player (because this iPod stuff is garbage when it comes to making love), pop open a couple of wine coolers, and she knows that it’s time. Peabo, my man – I heard about your tax troubles, and I’m real sorry. I hope you know that one of my assistants will be first in line to get your new CD when it comes out in October. And don’t worry, Steeler Nation – I know we’re gonna put a stop to the “rain” of the Patriots and the Colts and all those other pretenders in the AFC.
2. Maxi Priest – “Close To You”
After she checks in on the kids (since we started training camp, we leave the kids with Jeff Reed; ladies, he’s great with children, and you know what they say about kickers), it’s time to move our night of romance to the boudoir. I’ll admit it – the wife and I, we like to keep things a little freaky. Kiya, she’s always had a thing for Troy Palomalu, and I know my man Maxi looks a lot like him, so when it’s time to slip into something a little more comfortable, you know I gotta make sure she’s slippery when wet.
3. Johnny Gill – “My My My”
I always said that Johnny’s the new Teddy Pendergrass – he’s got a great smooth cocoa-butter voice, but he’s not afraid to get tough and tell a woman what she wants to hear. About this time, I start to make my move to the outside, thanks to Ben Rothleisberger’s homemade BBQ sauce. Ben was trying to tell me how he likes to get things cooking with his saucy new lady, and I wasn’t having any of that, at first. But far be it from me to discriminate against a man just because he’s too dumb to wear a helmet when riding around on a motorcycle. He came through in the clutch for me and my missus, and I know he’s going to come through for Pittsburgh when we need him most.
By the way, in case you were wondering – yes, while making sweet love I am going to the record player and changing things up every time a song ends. Changing a record is a tactile, sensual experience, and it keeps me in sync with my business. I know how to keep my woman ready on the sidelines while I’m drawing up a new play. I’d love to tell you folks how to improve your completion percentage, but there are some things that even I can’t teach.
4. Ralph Tresvant – “Sensitivity”
Speaking of New Edition, here’s a forgotten diamond in the rough by a guy I like to call Ralphie T. Akon should be sending his ill-gotten drug money over to Mr. Sensitivity, because no one would be putting up with his no-talent high-pitched nonsense if it wasn’t for RT laying pipe all those years ago. Never forget, men and would-be men – making love to your woman is all about being sensitive. You wanna get inside her sugar walls, you have to be sweet, even outside the bedroom. Listen to your woman. Empathize with her problems. Be there for her. Or just pretend to be there – knowing how and when to nod your head will win you a lot of props. And if your wingmen are FTD and Harry & David, then you’ll be Tootsie Pop licking for a long long time.
5. Ted Nugent – “Stranglehold”
Oh you know what time it is now. Whatever’s left of my lady’s Steel Curtain just parted like the Red Sea, and we are taking it to the hole. This cracker might be some ignorant racist bear-hunting hick, but he also grew up in Hitsville USA, and you can’t say he ain’t got a little Motown mosey in his wango tango. Wouldn’t be surprised to find out he seconded that emotion with some of Berry Gordy’s sloppy seconds.
6. Babyface – “Whip Appeal”
You know, my boy Hines Ward kinda looks like Babyface. Not that I want to think about that when it’s go time. Anyway, just remember that being married doesn’t mean you have to lock it down and run out the clock. Trick plays are the key to a good offense, as long as you don’t make them the bread and butter of your game.
7. Elton John – “Tiny Dancer”
Like I just said.
8. Terence Trent D’Arby – “Sign Your Name”
Now it’s time to kick the extra point. This song takes me back to my William & Mary days, when I was dating this pretty young thing that reminded me of CCH Pounder. Girl had the sort of tight end I did not mind lining up behind, if you know what I mean. Nowadays, whenever I watch The Shield, it’s all I can do to keep my hands off myself. Yeah, maybe that’s TMI, but when you’re talking about making love to your woman, it don’t do a damn bit of good to keep quiet. This is one playbook I don’t mind leaving on the train.
9. The Bangles – “Eternal Flame”
Game’s over, but that doesn’t mean work’s done. I gotta start prepping a game plan for next week, look at tape from today’s game, take notes, talk to my boys about what went good and what went bad. Sometimes, if I’m lucky, there’s a little OT to deal with, and there’s nothing like having Susanna Hoffs’ honey of a voice having my back when I have to contend with “the coinflip.” And then, after it’s all said and done, time to hit the showers.
Pittsburgh Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin paid $3500 on eBay for an original copy of Prince’s “Black Album,” only to find out it was a 4th-generation bootleg. If LilRed_1999 is reading this, send Mike back his damn money.