Hey, I’m Mike Piazza, All-Star catcher for the New York Mets. And I’d like to talk to you about Supreme Court nominee John Roberts.

If you’re a homeowner like me, you have to be disturbed by the Supreme Court’s recent decision about property rights, in which the left wing of the court essentially said that the federal government can seize whatever land it desires whenever it wants.

Well, I’m here to tell you that we don’t need to live under the tyranny of an activist court, because we have a kick-ass dude like John Roberts who can stand up for the concerns of ordinary Americans, and who will faithfully read the US Constitution as it was written — not translated by some PC garbage that doesn’t know George Washington from the George Washington Bridge.

The day after the All Star Game I stopped by Ted Nugent’s place for some hunting and beer-drinking with the Nuge and former Senator Fred Thompson, and Ted asked a really good question.

“What’s the single biggest danger to our civil liberties?” he asked as we chowed down on some still-bloody venison.

“Saddam Hussein,” I answered.

“Judicial activism,” said Fred.

“Fred’s right,” Nuge replied. “No raghead can ever fuck with the Constitution. They’re not smart enough for that.”

Ted and Fred then talked to me for several hours about how the Supreme Court has sent America off-course from its beginnings. Where in the Constitution does it give “doctors” the right to murder innocent babies? Where does it say that man evolved from orangutans? Where does it support the federal government’s ability to overtax its citizens? If you actually sit down and read the Constitution (which I plan to do after the season… I mean after the Mets win the World Series), you won’t find those things. That’s because we have had a liberal activist court.

I only met John Roberts once, but I know that he’s the right man to right this ship. It was at a Bills game and he seemed really nice. I can still remember our conversation.

“You’re Mike Piazza,” he said, his eyes judging me correctly by the letter of the Constitution.

“Yep,” I said.

“Mike, are you aware that I have enjoyed a distinguished career in government service, private practice and, most recently, as a federal judge? I also graduated, summa cum laude, from Harvard College and Harvard Law School. After law school I clerked for Judge Henry Friendly on the US Court of Appeals for the Second Circuit and then-Associate Justice William Rehnquist on the US Supreme Court.”

“I didn’t know that. That’s mighty impressive. What’s your name?”

“John Roberts. And I have had a distinguished career as a public servant. I served in several positions in the Reagan administration, including Associate White House Counsel. I also served, from 1989-93, as the Principal Deputy Solicitor General, the government’s second highest ranking lawyer before the US Supreme Court.”

“Cool!”

“After leaving government, I became known as one of the top Supreme Court advocates in the country as a partner at Hogan & Hartson in D.C. In my government and private career, I have argued 39 cases before the US Supreme Court, and have been described in the media as ‘one of [the Supreme Court’s] finest practitioners,’ ‘one of the top appellate lawyers of his generation,’ and ‘viewed by many as the best Supreme Court advocate in private law firm practice.'”

“Those are some quotes, Mr. Roberts. Thanks for letting me know!”

“To the extent that my record as an advocate can tell anything about me, my arguments often speak to judicial restraint. I co-authored the government’s successful brief in Lujan v. Defenders of Wildlife, which re-invigorated the doctrine of standing to sue in Article III Courts. At the same time, I have represented criminal defendants, environmental interests and the State of Hawaii in a dispute over legislation favoring Native Hawaiians as a group.”

“I have to be going, John, but thank you for sharing all of this. It’s not often that I get to hear the real facts rather than the liberal media’s distortions. I will never forget this moment.”

And I haven’t forgotten that moment. Listen, I didn’t get to be a career .315 hitter and set the all-time home run record for catchers by arguing balls and strikes or playing defense. Sometimes you have to go on the offensive, and it’s high time we fought back for a Supreme Court that represents the supremely kick-ass facts that formed our great nation.

I’m Mike Piazza, and I approve this message.