Hokay, puto-necks. Some vasevall nerds say my Houston Astros ain’t a bery good team this year. That is pretty much all ju need to know about vaseball nerds right there. Do none of ju remember that they were in da playoffs the last two jears? Come on, mang, what is this bullchit?

Look. Ju know we can hit the ball out of Minute Man Park, so why are ju even fronting like Cheorge Bush? We got Lence Berkmang, we got Chason Lane, we got Morgan Ensberger. I like this guy Luke Scott, he can light it up like a Paul Wall grill. And ju just KNOW our new guy El Caballo is gonna like those Crawfish Voxes. He better, for all that sheddar! I like Carlito, because when I pull the tamale wagon up to the player’s entrance he’s always first in line, contributing all that cash back to my local economies! But he better not get too phat out there, his defense is already pretty chitty. But that doesn’t matter as long as he keeps whacking that pelota halfway to Poptrunkistan.

I guess most of these haters just don’t like some of our guys. They say El Gringo Viejo, Graig Vichio, moves about as fast as a Choppaholix remix. and they disrespect our catcher whose name I can’t ever remember. They also think we need even older white guys so that our pitching will be good. First of all, nobody needs old Andy Pettitte sticking his Babel in chur face all the time. Segundo of all, even though Rocher Clemens did pretty good lately, he’s older than your abuelita’s nalgas and twice as dirty as her chiches.

Turdly, let’s talk about who we DO have. Roy Oswalt, only the best pitcher ju will see this year in the Nachional League; Chason Chohnson, due for a bigger comeback than R. Kelly; a guy named Woody and another guy named Wandy; and maybe Ferdy Snow or Eze A. That’s a better rotation than your sister did on my chorizo last night! And our bullpen is like an old-time rap compilation: Brad “Know the” Lidge and Brandon “Baby Got” Backe. So now ju know — our pitchers are almost as hot as my new bideo, Mañosas Cuatro: Rebenge of the Skankpire! And they are almost as cool as my new album, They Can’t Deport Us All, which drops on Chingo de Mayo like your mami’s panties at my show.

And some people wanna hate on our manacher, but he’s okay with me ever since Big Chile Enterprises got the contract to pimp out the home dugout. Here’s two words for ju weak bitches: Ostrich & Snakeskin. We’re doing the whole bench in candy-apple red and black leather, putting in a 128-inch plasma screen, neon chaser lights, underage “ball girls” harvested in small Mesican billages, sub-woofers the size of Hunter Pence…it’s gonna be pimpilacious. Also, expect the Gatorade to be purple flava, if ju catch el drifto. Ju know how we roll: chust like the ball back to the mound after another Chad Qualls strikeout.

Lissen up, ju chocha-having punks — Los Astros are destinated to be the shampions of the Nachional League this chear. Anyone who doesn’t like that can talk to my rooster Cleto about it — he’s the second biggest fighting cock I own!

Chingo Bling, one of Houston’s favorite rappers, is both the Ghetto Vaquero AND the Tamale Kingpin. His new album drops on Ocho de Mayo — that’s May 8 for all you gringito putos.