The universe is a very large place, and most of it is very cold. But when we look up, we do not look at the dark parts, do we, lovely friends? No, we do not. Instead, we look to the stars, those burning balls of gas that give us all life. That is why people turn to fabulous seers like me — I have been reading the stars since I was eleven years old, when they called me “Walter of Miracles” and I decided to grow up to be the Liberace of Puerto Rican astrologers.

This weekend, millions of Americans will pay attention to NFL football games. Why? What are they looking for? Will they be watching the play of the linemen, those burly bearded behemoths who are the dark matter of the universe? I think not, chickens. Neither will they be pointing out the coverage flaws of obscure third-year weak side linebackers or uninspired decisions by agéd bepaunchéd offensive coordinators. Who will all these hard-working Americans be watching? Why, the stars, of course: Quarterbacks! Running backs! Wide receivers! Sackers, thieves, the ones who kick!

So come with me now on a mystical voyage through the zodiac of the NFL. (Note: prognostications are for entertainment purposes only.)

Arizona vs. BALTIMORE: The league’s second-best-known Great Impregnator, a Taurus, is overdue for some cosmic payback. Justice will be served…in purple. (Magic numbers: 7, 20, 52; Sacred word: Interceptor.)

San Diego vs. GREEN BAY: The leader of the hosts is a Rabbit with Water rising, which goes well with his quarterback’s Rooster/Earth combination. Rivers cannot rise in the Bay. (Magic numbers: 4, 21, 10; Sacred word: Renaissance.)

MINNESOTA vs. Kansas City: No humans will be watching this contest, but perhaps the gods have set a little wager. Although the Red Runner will resurface, Scandinavia crashes the party. (Magic numbers: 27, 24, 28; Sacred word: Horde.)

Miami vs. NEW YORK JETS: The swampdwellers have no leadership and no bloodlust, but they have a secret weapon. Delphinidae, warriorless, must watch out for a former waterfowl. (Magic numbers: 11, 87, 54; Sacred word: Capitalize.)

DETROIT vs. Philadelphia: The embattled archer has feathered arrows left in his quiver, but watch for the Leos — led by a Pisces — to open up a can of soup-ernatural whoopass. (Magic numbers: 25, 11, 5; Sacred word: Throwback.)

SAN FRANCISCO vs. Pittsburgh: Rough day for the curtain, as a new wind blows from the west. There might not be any blood spilled, but there will be gore galore. (Magic numbers: 21, 27, 86; Sacred word: Snare.)

BUFFALO vs. New England: Karma is a goddess — a bitchy, bitchy goddess. She sneers at predictions, she abhors a cheat, and she gathers no moss. Zenophobes, prepare to be lynched. (Magic numbers: 85, 85, 85; Sacred word: Stand.)

TAMPA BAY vs. St. Louis: We were going to call this one for los Capricornios, but one last flip revealed the Two of Wands, so: boldness! I’m sorry, Mr. Jackson, this is for real. (Magic numbers: 20, 55, 21; Sacred word: Keelhaul.)

Indianapolis vs. HOUSTON: Thundering hooves echo in the minds and ears of most pundits…but the turtle holding up the world sings a different, defensive song. (Magic numbers: 90, 28, 87; Sacred word: Comeuppance.)

CLEVELAND vs. Oakland: Unexpectedly, everyone loves black and silver these days. But we learned last week that persimmon is just so much more autumnal…and prolific. (Magic numbers: 51-45, 17, 34; Sacred word: Feng shui.)

JACKSONVILLE vs. Denver: When in doubt, rely on the spirit avatars. Look for the slavering predators to feast on the majestic, yet stolid, herbivore. (Magic numbers: 9, 51, 6; Sacred word: Unpredictability.)

Cincinnati vs. SEATTLE: Every week, Walter gazes into the bloodshot eye of the universe, seeking answers and truth. But sometimes nothing can be divined, so Walter flips a coin. (Magic numbers: 3, 51, Ocho Cinco; Sacred word: Aerodynamic.)

NEW YORK GIANTS vs. Washington: They say los Gigantes are obnoxious, overhyped ladyboys commanded by a mad Captain Bligh, and they’re right. But my 20-sided die says they’re due. (Magic numbers: 72, 81, 82; Sacred word: Pigment.)

DALLAS vs. Chicago: The I Ching revealed Hexagram 54: 歸妹, “Converting the Maiden.” Saucy stuff for Sexy Rexy! Confidently, we call an upset in the field of soldiers. (Magic numbers: 9, 81, 23; Sacred word: “Damages.”)

Tennessee vs. NEW ORLEANS: Sainthood is not granted; it must be earned. Watch this game to see a young-ster feel the brees from a burning bush, and drop a deuce. (Magic numbers: 8/29/2005; Sacred word: FEMA.)

CAROLINA vs. Atlanta: Walter has Jake Delhomme on his fantasy football team, so that pasty m-f better come through. Plus, Walter is a dog lover, K9 4EVAH FALCONS NEVAH. (Magic numbers: 17, 90, 7; Sacred phrase: Don’t tase me, Breaux.)

Walter Mercado presents his horoscopos todos los dias on “Primer Impacto.” Dig it.