Hey there, sports fans! It’s me, Bob Uecker, chattin’ with you. Aren’t ya glad the 2006 season has started? I know I am. All that talk about steroids and revenue-sharing and ineffective cronyism among the elites that run baseball — hey, even if it’s true, who cares? Baseball is a great and wonderful game, and the very heart thrills this first week of April.

And isn’t it great that the Crew has started out with a three-game sweep of the Pirates? How about that, people? Truly, the glorious path unfolds before us like a ribbon in the sun; truly, the revolution has begun. Let them try to hold us back, to scoff at us now!

It is time to make history under our great leader, Ned Yost. His craggy visage masks the heart of a lion! When he sent Jeff Cirillo up to pinch-hit in that first game, do you think he did not remember the splendor of last year’s Opening Day, when Cirillo got the game-winning RBI? And did Cirillo not come through again? In the second game, who was it that sent up Gabe Gross, who homered to win the game in his first at-bat for the Crew? It was that same Ned Yost. And when Prince Fielder, youthful vigor shining in his eyes, came to the plate last night hitless in his first 11 at-bats, did Yost blink or yank him? No! He let him hit! And Fielder came through like the ancestors of old! Truly, Rookie of the Year is in the bag.

The pitching is superb, and that is without the people’s hero, Ben Sheets. Timely hitting has made up for some minor baserunning blunders. But, most importantly, the proletariat is behind this revolution! From the fatcat season ticket-holding cell-phone-gabbing lawyers that position themselves behind the plate drinking Leinenkugel Reds to the Buckethead Brigade, all the good and loyal citizens of the Badger State are united behind the Brewers. We will win, because we know that this inexorable blue wave is long-overdue. And we will win because we have good middle relief!

The Cardinals are old and sad. Their death-throes will be loud, as that is the way of tyrants, and we may lose a battle or two in the new Busch Stadium. But we will hold Miller Park with every toenail and drop of blood in our bodies. We know our cause is just and right, whereas they have Sidney. Ponson. In. Their. Rotation.

We already see Houston slipping down the ladder — wave goodbye to them as their ship sinks. Chicago puts up runs, but they are more like ruins, monuments to a system that no longer works. (Plus: Dusty.) There is no path for the Brewers but success. Any other outcome is inconceivable.

Some are asking about the third-base platoon. Instead, they should ask what they can do for their team! Our leader knows what he knows, and will inform us what is necessary. Jim Powell and I await our orders every day. Why cannot the chattering classes do the same?

But this is an era of openness, so I say unto you: Let a hundred 3Bs bloom! We have Corey Koskie against righties, Bill Hall vs. lefties and spelling Hardy and Weeks, Cirillo for pinchhitting and occasional days in the field, Corey Hart can pick a little out there as can Gross, Ryan Braun is knocking on the door in his first year in the minors, and so on. Our leader has a plan and it will be revealed in time. (Here’s a hint: there’s a reason Billy Hall’s contract hasn’t been extended yet.)

In the meantime, worry not about the future. Only look to each day’s game, inning by inning. Only revel in the achievement of an opening series sweep, and in my surreal stories about growing cans of chili in the backyard garden or how I hate echidnas, the filty little beasts!

Triumph, sweet triumph over our division rivals is in our grasp. The season has just 159 games to go. Set your faces to the sunset, see the plan behind the plan, and cheer on the revolution during this weekend’s three-game series against the Arizona Diamondbacks. See ya then!

Bob Uecker is a former major league catcher, and has starred in countless movies, television shows, and advertisements for beer and Hardware Hank. He also interviewed Andre the Giant in the 1988 Wrestlemania.