hi! this is JIM THOM! sorry that theres no RANK INDEX this week – i was at the hospital for my back! it sucked! here’s what my doctor told the news about it:

“Dr. Alex Vaccaro and I have also determined he has an inflammation of a previously documented pars defect,” Phillies director of medical services Dr. Michael Ciccotti said in a statement. “A pars defect is an incomplete fusion of the bone in the lumbar region.

“It is common with a lot of people. Jim’s had this for a long time. Athletically active persons can aggravate the defect, causing an inflammation. The treatment for the strain and inflammation continues to be rest, medication and a progressive strengthening program.”

i told you it sucked! stupid paris defect! so, instead of doing my RANK INDEX, i’ve been resting and getting lots of medicine, and soon i’ll start with my PROGRESSIVE STRENGTHENING PROGRAM! and then i’ll get back to the philly lineup with some PHILLY POWER and we can win some games! yeah!

instead, i’m going to start another column called the K-HOLE! it’s in honor of my friend RYNE SANDBERG’S CYCLE – he talks about games that are gonna be played during the week, and calls them a single, double, triple, and home run. what the K-HOLE does is the same, but different – the K-HOLE talks about the four WORST match-ups and ranks them by strikeout games (and thanks to the BBTN intern for finding this information!) –

1) the hat trick (3 Ks)
2) the golden sombrero (4 Ks)
3) the Olympic rings (5 Ks)
4) the horn (6 Ks!!!) (wow!)

i’m doing it this week, but if you want someone else to do one, let us know by sending an e-mail! E$PN is owned by disney, so they have lots of money, and can get whoever they want to do whatever they want! but in a nice way! OK!

THE HAT TRICK: NYY @ OAK

the yankees are on their way up, tho, so they might not be K-HOLE material next week! the a’s are awful. they can’t hit, and their pitchers have been giving up lots of homers. did you see those home runs the red sox hit this week? that’s crazy! in the 9th inning, too. if they keep doing that, they’re going to lose lots of games! (the a’s that is – the red sox are good!) i think the yankees will sweep, and tino martinez will continue to hit the ball hard. tino’s my hero. i’m younger than him! i think. if he can do it, so can i. thanks, tino! look at me, coach, i’m ready to play! today! clapclapclap! CCD!

THE GOLDEN SOMBRERO: CIN @ PHI
i can’t even watch my team play any more. but that’s because of my PROGRESSIVE STRENGTH PROGRAMMING! pat’s been in a really bad slump recently. he actually struck out three times in a game! GOLDEN SOMBRERO OLE! (he got a couple of hits yesterday, tho – go pat! clapclapclap!) it reminded me of when larry bowa was our manager. he said he couldn’t watch us play when we lost. he called us losers, and made fun of our ethnic heritage and sexual persuasions. he has stuff doug called “anger management issues”. i can imagine – it’s hard work to stay angry all the time! it’s too bad willy mopenya’s hurt, too – i liked watching him play. he had moxie! he still does, too! and it’s in his pants! does me make you HORNY baby yeah! (omg THE HORN roflhahahah)

THE OLYMPIC RINGS: TOR @ CLE

i don’t want to talk about stupid cleveland. i want to talk about a song i heard that has my name in it. its called “tippin on fo-fos” – i don’t know what a fo-fo is, but i bet it’s paris hilton hottt! (OMG does paris hilton have a paris defect too? that would suck! it would be cold it would suck so much!)

anyway, my song! it’s by mike jones – he says his name a lot. and he has the internet going nuts too, just like me! the part that mentions me goes something like this – “back then, they didn’t want me / now i’m hot like jim thome”! it’s awesome – he even gets my name right! thanks mike jones! keep on tippin! when i get back to PHILLY POWER, i’ll hit two for you, just like ernie banks! he was mr. baseball! not mr. 3000, tho – that’s funny man bernie mack!

THE HORN: MIL @ PIT

E$PN tells me that MIL is actually in 2nd place in their division right now, which must mean it’s a really bad division, because milwaukee has never had a good team ever! all they have is cheese and beer and brett favruh. (ha – i said it like in that movie with cameron diaz and cabin boy! she’s a sexy woman! she’s not paris hilton, tho.)

i don’t know why major league baseball lets the brewers suck so bad – when the yankees were bad, major league baseball let them get better. when the red sox were bad, major league baseball let them get better. even the indians (who still suck, and are stupid) are better than they were! every team has gotten better except for milwaukee. and pittsburgh, but that’s because of PHILLY POWER! they need to bring back the painter’s cap – those were hot like paris hilton too!

and that’s the first K-HOLE! let me know if you liked it! since it’s FRIDAY THE 13TH (boo!), i’m gonna go see HOUSE OF WAX now – i heard paris hilton gets naked in it! by stripping! that’s so hot! (ha! it’s funny because she says she’s hot all the time! that’s so hot! hahahahahaha! she gives me THE HORN baby! roflroflrofl) ok bye!