Let me set the scene for you.  You’re an up and coming sports franchise that’s coming off an awful, terrible year.  Flop after flop after flop.  Maybe not flops as bad as Popeye or Ishtar, but close enough to give you some palpitations and night sweats — something like Jade or Silver, let’s say.  Real stinkeroos.

But you have one consolation to keep you warm through those awful off-season nights: a high-ranking draft pick in your upcoming amateur draft.  A top 5 pick.  Maybe even the number 1 pick overall.  If only there was a draft in Hollywood after you crapped your pants!  “Sorry you couldn’t get Vinnie Chase for your Ramones biopic, Bob.  You can have Rachel Weisz and Kate Winslet for your Henry & June remake, though!  Good luck, and give my best to the missus!”

So now you’re thinking big, with your fancy high draft pick.  You’re thinking about some hotshot kid coming out of the cornfields with Bob Feller’s fastball and Don Drysdale’s bedside manner, or some seven-footer from the projects with the hands of Nathaniel “Sweetwater” Clifton handle and speed of Walt “Clyde” Frazier.  Did I tell you that I set up Walt Frazier with both Pam Grier and Peggy Lipton after the New York premier of Deep Throat?  True story.  Hell of a three-way, from what I heard.  Through the walls, that is.  Peggy asked if I wanted to tag along, but you know what they say.

Anyway, so you’re hot to trot over the next big thing, and Draft Day comes, and you get your man!  Or your woman, if that’s the way you swing — it’s the 21st century, folks , I don’t discriminate.  You’re ready to start printing commemorative jerseys with their name emblazoned on the back, and championship tickets and bobblehead dolls and all sorts of high-priced low-cost memorabilia.  But there’s one thing standing between you and your dreams: The Motherfucking Agent.

Though, as you might have guessed by some of my anecdotes, most of my expertise is in the field of film making, I can say without any doubt that sports agents are cut from the same shit-stained money-grubbing cloth as their counterparts in the entertainment industry.  But that doesn’t mean they’re difficult to deal with, if you know what you’re doing. What if I could tell you that I have three easy to remember tips on how to deal with these agents that will get you everything you want and next to nothing they or their clients want?  Is that something I could interest you in?

First lesson, and sometimes the most important: it’s OK to play hard-to-get.  Think of all the times you had a girl you were sweet on gave you the cold shoulder or, even worse, hit the breaks right when you were getting to the good parts.  Believe it or not, sex and business go hand in hand, and not just because you’re bound to get fucked eventually!  If you show too much interest in whoever you’re pursuing, that person’s bound to use that to their advantage. But if you pretend you’re not interested, and are pursuing other options, that might prick up their ears and give you the upper hand.  I came this close to getting Harrison Ford on board for a series of Remo Williams films using this strategy, and it would’ve worked if it wasn’t for that cocksucker Spielberg and that other son of a bitch Lucas.  But I digress — George and Steve are great guys, and Raiders turned out to be an alright popcorn flick.  If you like that sort of thing.

My second piece of advice: never budge.  This might sound similar to the “play hard to get” advice I just gave in the last paragraph, but it’s not!  When I say “never budge,” I’m talking about when the negotiations are getting down and dirty, and the sweat starts flying, and the guy on the other side of the table is trying to tell you that his guy is worth about ten times more than you’re willing to pay.  Look at what just happened with the Washington Nationals and the kid they drafted, this Stephen Strasburg.  (What is it with Steves being pains in the tuckus?)  Correct me if I’m wrong, but weren’t they talking about Strasburg getting FIFTY MILLION DOLLARS just a few months ago?  And then folks were all up in arms about how they’re not willing to sign the kid?  And now they get him for only fifteen million?  That’s a thirty-five million dollar savings, which is coincidentally what I would’ve brought Hudson Hawk in for, back when it was MY baby.  Did I tell you I taught Joel Silver everything he forgot?

My final piece of advice: don’t be afraid to walk away.  If the going gets tough, and nothing’s happening, then make something happen by doing the opposite of what they expect you to do!  Think about it!  When you have, juast as an example, some European kid that’s unwilling to “slum it” in the best country in the world and instead wants to play for some Spanish team until he’s old enough to vote, then you do what Robert DeNiro says in that movie about the mob — you fuck ’em where they breathe!  You have some stuck-up football player wanting more than he’s worth?  Leave him on the sidelines and see how much his worth depreciates!  Let ’em screw up their career — this only gives you leverage for when they come crawling back to you, asking for another chance.  And then you fuck ’em again!  Show them what’s what!  Take those rat bastards to school and give them the old brown eye!  So to speak, of course.

Now it should go without saying that maybe if you follow my advice, you’ll find yourself on the ass end of an endless stream of ridicule from fans and media personalities, and some disgruntled mumblings from your superiors.  But that’s the way things go.  It takes a while for true genius and bravery to be recognized for the madness it looked like but actually wasn’t.  People thought Michael Cimino was an egomaniacal loon!  And maybe he was!  But what if I told you that this lunatic recluse with delusions of grandeur was responsible for some of the best cinema that Hollywood’s ever seen, and that you could be the sports world’s answer to him?  Is that something you could be intersted in?  Do I even need to ask the question?

Esteemed Hollywood producer Bob Ryan is currently developing a movie based on the popular Tumblr, Look At This Fucking Hipster.