Welcome, fellow readers. It is with great pleasure that I come to you via the Yard Work to discuss today two of the greatest things that Our Lord has given us – baseball and women. Though I am wrongfully trapped behind bars for simply following in my father’s honrable footsteps, I would be remiss if I allowed this misfortune to blind my eyes to His good works. Both of these wonderous things have been bestowed to man in order to provide pleasure and spiritual sustenance to His humble servants. Men, after all, are simple creatures with needs that, while somewhat specific and perhaps voluminous, are simple enough to satisfy.

However, in today’s society, the Powers-That-Be continue to misinterpret His works in denying man the rights to realize his fullest potential. After all, is it not written in the United States Constitution that all men are created equal, and have bestowed upon them (by Our Lord) the rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness? Why should these rights, delineated in a document that is nearly as impeachable as the Ten Commandments, be denied by self-proclaimed standard bearers? Why should men suffer for simply fulfilling their spiritual imperative? Why should certain laws of man override the unassailable law of The Holy Bible? It is matters of this ilk that I wish to discuss with you today.

Let us examine the case of former athlete Albert Belle. Once a feared and respected hitter, a massive man given the preternatural ability to propel bound spheres hundreds of feet through the air with a simple unadorned staff, is now trapped behind bars simply for following his heart’s desire wherever she may roam. Albert’s use of a Global Positioning System to track the whereabouts of his lover should not be considered a felonious act. On the contrary, he should be commended for showing this much commitment to one woman. To want to know where your lover is at all times, and to surprise your lover with impromptu appearances in public – these are hallmarks of a love that, if allowed, would transcend any trappings of the flesh. I am sure Albert’s other lovers wished they were the ones he felt so strongly about. It is a shame that today’s society has taught our women to fear such selfless acts of compassion. I can only hope that Albert’s troubled brother, Joey, can follow the stalwart example set by his sibling.

I can also only hope that any women reading this pay no mind to the behavior of the women that unfortunate Mets leader Paul LoDuca has found himself saddled with. It is most unfortunate that the young women Paul has chosen to accompany him during the laborious baseball season decided to besmirch his good name and his simian prowess. I doubt that Ms. Krista Guterman would appreciate her boyfriend mentioning to the world at large that, for a fair-weathered harlot, she was merely adequate sexually and possessed breasts that were of middling buoyancy. For these women to pass judgement so carelessly only proves that they need a good man (or 4) to teach them how to appreciate a man’s ways.

In the sad matters at hand, however, it is the actions of Ms. LoDuca, not the actions of these venomous nubile trollops, that are truly beyond redemption. Never mind that a woman making her living exposing herself to other men should take no issue with her husband doing the very same thing. She must understand, as all woman must understand, that a man’s sexual and spiritual needs supercede any arbitrary social mores. Men were created in God’s image to propogate God’s image all over this glorious land of ours. And it would be selfish to assume that one woman and one woman alone should bear this burden. For Paul to seek out other women with which to potentially further His manifest destiny is an act of immeasurable piety. It is exemplary of the type of respected player Paul is with the Mets of New York, and the type of obediant servant He would have us all be.

The examples that Albert Belle and Paul LoDuca set are examples towards which all – men, and even women – should hope to one day realize. In these two men rest the templates that will help mankind right the wrongs perpetrated by decades of wanton liberation and ill-fated quests for equality and social reparations. Woman was born from the rib of the first man, and in this age of erotic popular imagery and wanton television depravity, this must never be forgotten. Thank you, and may God bless you and all you love.

As president of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, FBI Top Ten Fugitive Warren Jeffs is considered by faithful members to be a prophet, seer, and revelator of God’s will on behalf of humanity.