I’m a busy guy. The people I work for, I work 80 hours a week. That’s how dedicated I am to improving their lives, making sure they get a fair shake. Every waking moment, I’m thinking about them. Which is why it surprised me that, even with everyone knowing what a busy guy I am, nobody asked me about what I thought of the new MLB labor deal. So I’m gonna tell you, ’cause it’d be good for you to know.

Honestly? This is a lousy, crap labor deal. You got that? I’m sorry to be the one to say it, but it’s true. Five more years? Unanimous approval? I call bullshit on that! Bullshit on that, my friend! Any labor deal longer than four years is crap! You got to reserve the right to engage the enemy at least once every Presidential administration. That’s like an unwritten rule, or at least it is with me.

I don’t know what those player reps were thinking… They took this thing so under the radar, it was like I barely even knew there was a negotiation going on! That’s no way to score headlines, to make waves… make sure they know they’re not dealing with a bunch of pussies. ‘Cause buddy, that’s the only real leverage you got.

They got the whole thing wrong. You take our walkout in ’99. Now that decision by the Umpires Association may have been called “wildly misguided,” “a blunder of titanic proportions” and “a labor miscalculation so evidently foolish that the decomposed remains of Eugene V. Debs must have shuddered inwardly, at the atomic level.” But goddammit, we had the people behind us! We were standing for something! We were working guys, who deserved a fair shake, and we were willing to put our jobs on the line for it. Unfortunately, we got stabbed in the back by those suits, and I have to say, the lack of a public outcry, that was a little disappointing.

And things only come full circle today, right? When yet another labor deal fails to generate the chorus of disapproval it deserves. I ask again: Where were the all-night meetings? The short, angry press releases? When was the attempt to bring in Jimmy Carter or George Mitchell to mediate? Without that shit, I can’t even count it at as labor agreement. It’s a piece of paper. It’s nothing. Nada. I mean, has anyone seen Don Fehr’s balls? Hello? I don’t think so. Hello? No. No friggin’ way.

Yeah, you got that right… Hello?… Hell-ooooooooooooo? Fucking jackass.

Richie Phillips is the former head of the now-defunct Major League Umpires Association. He currently represents labor interests of workers at the Applebee’s on Polaris Parkway in Columbus, Ohio.