Training camp! Pre-season games! Underperforming third-year players with stress fractures of their 5th metatarsals! Yes, it’s time for another year of the National Basketball Association, the greatest professional sports league in the history of humankind, except maybe for the CBA when I was coaching there.
But, of course, just because the NBA is a great league doesn’t mean that it doesn’t make me sick every single day of my life. Every single team has glaring holes, fatal weaknesses, overrated superstars, inadequate role players, soft-serve bench space-wasters, village-idiot coaches and GMs, and know-nothing front-running fans. Looking over these dumb bunnies and weak weenies, I don’t honestly know why I still care. I guess I still remember a golden age, when players were as tough as old condoms and twice as useful.
Anyway, let’s run down this year’s teams…with a bus. The question on the board is: How will each team disappoint me this year? My extreme contempt for all of them limits me to only 10 words per franchise.
Atlanta: Too many youngsters, soft at point, the league’s worst fans.
Boston: Undeserved title plus Allen’s decline minus Posey spells Beantown disaster.
Charlotte: No defense, no offense, cancerous coach, ugly uniforms, boring town.
Chicago: Red and black? Ha ha. More like pink and pink.
Cleveland: LeBron’s greatness suspect until his fingers flash NBA gold. Capish?
Dallas: Lots of points and “fun,” but no heart, fewer balls.
Denver: No problem: Overhyped Camby’s loss. Big problem: all the rest.
Detroit: Michael Curry seems nice but he is no Phil Jackson.
Golden State: Teams that play no D make me puke up bile.
Houston: Last year’s streak a fluke; regression to the mean awaits.
Indiana: Danny Granger doesn’t blow goats. The jury’s out everywhere else.
LA Clippers: With Elgin’s departure, there is nothing left. Even you, Baron.
LA Lakers: Greatest franchise, greatest coach. Too bad Kobe’s a dickbag douchesmoker.
Memphis: Typing ten words here is a waste of time.
Miami: Dwyane Wade, Shawn Marion? Your 15 minutes are both up.
Milwaukee: Skiles? Tough. His players? Hard as wheels of warm brie.
Minnesota: Don’t be fooled by Love — there is exactly nothing here.
New Jersey: Vince Carter personally offends me. Actually, everything personally offends me.
New Orleans: Last year they were sleepers; this year, we’re all awake.
New York: They won’t let me curse on this family-oriented sports website.
Oklahoma City: Seattle’s loss is actually Seattle’s gain, because this team’s horrible.
Orlando: Howard’s Olympic defense: a national (team) disgrace. Spinning Magic wheels.
Philadelphia: Smart moves, re-energized players and fans. I smell injury troubles.
Phoenix: Terry Porter deserves a better comeback chance than this. *ralphs*
Portland: Sit down, Paul Allen — Baby Blazers just learning to crawl.
Sacramento: Nowhere to go but up? Watch this year and weep.
San Antonio: Never count them out, but don’t bother counting them in.
Toronto: Whoa: Jermaine O’Neal, Basketball Savior! (That was irony, people. Seriously.)
Utah: Tough year for Mormons: first Mitt’s flameout, now the Jazz.
Washington: With or without their Agent, the Wizards are still Zero.
Charley Rosen was once the head coach of the Rockford Lightning. He writes for Fox Sports, natch, and he has written fourteen books about Phil Jackson.