Ah, summer. They call these the dog days, because it’s really hot and dogs just sit around panting all the time. And I don’t know about you, but I live in New York City and the way the young ladies dress here when it’s hot…well, let’s just say that I know the way the dogs feel. (In more ways than one! Zing!) Here is our list of August Hot / Nots for MLB — pant away!
| “WHAT’S HOT, WHAT’S NOT”: DOGBOYS OF SUMMER EDITION | ||
| Category | Hot (like Dunst) | Not Hot (like Reese) |
| DIVISION | NL East | NL West |
| TEAM | Oakland A’s | Colorado Rockies, who play in the NL West |
| STEROID STUD |  Jason Giambi |
 Jose Canseco |
| ENTERING THE HALL | Ryne Sandberg’s in-your-face HOF speech | humble self-respect |
| HOW TO TREAT THE 25 MILLION DOLLAR MAN | respect A-Rod for the great baseball player he is | make gay jokes about A-Rod/D-Jeter |
| AT-BAT MUSIC |  reggaeton |
 death metal |
| HANDLING THE TRADING DEADLINE | GMs NOT make deadline trades | Overinflated trade deadline media hysteria |
| LIKE RODNEY DANGERFIELD | Glossing over the fact that I am in fact part of that media |
The NL West |
| CELEBRITY COUPLE |
 Bennifer II: The Quickening Boogaloo |
 A-Rod/D-Jeter |
| POINT OF PERSONAL PRIDE | not being able to help myself |
self-control |
| STRATEGY | “The Shift” |
Stealing signs |
| EAST COAST MANAGER | Bobby Cox |
Lou Piniella |
| UNDERAPPRECIATED MANAGER |
Ned Yost | Lou Piniella |
| UPRIGHT VERTEBRATE |
 virtually anything and anyone in baseball |
 Lou Piniella |
| BREAKING NEWS |
NL West | Rafael Palmeiro | PERFORMANCE ENHANCER | player’s coffee | Viagra |
| HONORING THE GREATEST OF ALL TIME |  Pay Rickey! |
 Let Rickey languish in the minor leagues, a victim of his own hubris! |
| FASHION | long pants | hot pants |
| HOW TO ZING A DING DING | take easy shots | take easy shots |
| LIKE PARIS HILTON | Mariah Carey’s career | The NL West |
| PULL QUOTE | “Best. Season. Ever.” | some phrase that actually means something |