“There’s no way to accurately determine the greatest lefthanded hitter in baseball history, but an argument can be made for Palmeiro, who now has 346 more hits than Ted Williams, nearly 450 more home runs than Ty Cobb and 127 more hits than Babe Ruth.” — David Ginsburg, Associated Press

There’s no way to accurately determine the worst pitcher in baseball history, but an argument can be made for Cy Young, who has 150 more losses than Will White, gave up 5,751 more hits than Eric Milton and threw 106 more wild pitches than Steve Trout.

There’s no way to accurately determine the greatest manager in baseball history, but an argument can be made for Don Zimmer, who has 88 more wins than Johnny Oates, lost 3,090 less games than Connie Mack and one more KO by Pedro Martinez than Sparky Anderson.

There’s no way to accurately determine the greatest politician in American history, but an argument can be made for Strom Thurmond, who served as an elected official 50 years longer than John F. Kennedy, spoke eight hours and 48 seconds longer than Louisiana Senator Huey Long to oppose desegregation and fathered one more illegitimate black daughter than George Washington.

There’s no way to accurately determine the greatest musician in history, but an argument can be made for Kitaro, who has released 37 more albums than the Beatles, recorded one more album with Grateful Dead percussionist Mickey Hart than King Sunny Adé and has received nine more Grammy nominations than Daddy Yankee.

There’s no way to accurately determine the worst newspaper columnist in American history, but it’s Richard Roeper. That shit ain’t even close.