Hey there people, it’s your boy Gilbert “Agent Zero” Arenas. Everybody thinks of me as just an All-Star basketball player and world-class blogger, and frankly I don’t blame people for that. But I am also a big fan of other sports. You probably already know about my Halo team Final Boss and my interest in training with DC United — but did you know that I’m also a huge football fan? Well, I am; football is almost as cool as basketball. Maybe someday, after my NBA career is through, I’ll go try out for the Redskins…. Well, maybe not. But maybe. With me, you never know!

Anyway, here are my picks for this weekend’s football games. Remember, kids, you can trust your Uncle Gil.

St. Louis 0, Dallas 42

I used to root for the Rams when they were in L.A., but I didn’t want any part of them once they moved to St. Louis. A lot of you are probably too young to even remember that there was ever any football in L.A., but I’m kind of like a historian. Plus they had Eric Dickerson, who was the awesomest running back ever. Everyone wants to talk about Stephen Jackson, but he has been pretty horrible this year, and now he’s injured. Without him, I don’t think the Rams can score at all. On the other hand, Dallas has T.O., who is my close personal friend, and Tony Romo, who I hung out with at a Spoon concert a few months ago. So the Cowboys are definitely going to win by a lot.

CLEVELAND 51, Baltimore 50

Some people want to talk about Baltimore’s defense and how great it is. We hear a lot about that in my area. But come on, outside of Ray Lewis and Ed Reed they really aren’t much of a thing. I’m more about Air McNair, who is on the comeback trail after no one believed in him. But if you don’t think my guy Jamal Lewis doesn’t want some payback then you have another think coming. The Browns have already put up 51 once, so watch ’em do it again.

Chicago 21, DETROIT 30

I’m sorry, getting rid of Rex Grossman was the wrong thing to do. I don’t know why, because he sucks. But come on, he’s the leader of the team, you just want to bench him to make your fans feel better or something? If Brian Griese is so great, how come he’s never been able to hold on to a starting job anywhere he’s ever been? Man, I should have been a quarterback. Anyway, Detroit is going to ring up 30 straight points on Chicago and then Griese will throw three touchdown passes in garbage time and everyone will be all like “HOORAY SAVIOR” but come on, you know that ain’t no thing.

BUFFALO 39, New York Jets 2

Can a football score even be 39-2? Well, that’s what I’m predicting here. I have family in western New York state, and those dudes are crazy up there with all the snow and it’s all bleak there like back in caveman times and stuff. Hey, did you see that they’re doing a show about those caveman dudes from the Geico commercials? Man, that’s gonna be one great show — those cavemen always crack me up. They’re so emo about everything! Furthermore, I really don’t like the Jets for some reason. Sorry, that’s how I see it.

ATLANTA 44, Houston 37

Come on, Atlanta can’t go all year losing every single game. And Houston is missing about half its team. This is gonna be a boring game, so now is a great time for me to mention my new shoe, the GilIIZero. Doesn’t that look like a great shoe? I’m rolling out a different design and color scheme in every single city in America, most of which I must admit I haven’t even really seen yet. I think my Atlanta shoe comes with a playable sound card of an unreleased OutKast track, and my Houston shoe has chaser lights and my name on it in old-fashioned English lettering like it was a Mexican guy’s car, in honor of my chico de casa Chingo Bling. So there’s that.

GREEN BAY 60, Minnesota 6

No question about this one, it’s my Agent Zero Iron Cast Stone Cold Lock of the Week. Put your money on Brett Favre, because he’s a gangster, and because he was in “There’s Something About Mary,” which was a funny movie for real. Anyone in Minnesota ever in a movie? Uh, no. This is going to be a long year in Minneapolis, because of the Twins blowing it and because the Timberwolves have just traded away the only good player they’ll ever have. Do they have a hockey team anymore? If so, they’re gonna suck too.

MIAMI 62, Oakland 51

As you know, I got kinda famous for yelling “Hibachi!” after draining my threes last year. Because of this, I have a special exclusive deal with Benihana, where I can pretty much eat for free there any time I want. The Benihana on Miami Beach is one of the best in the whole world, and Yasushi Fujita always hooks me up proper when I go there. But Oaktown doesn’t even HAVE a Benihana — you have to go all the way to Concord or to Frisco to get all smoothed out with yummy sliced-up Japanese food. So I gotta go with that, out of brand loyalty. Ronnie Brown will score every single touchdown and three two-point conversions.

SAN FRANCISCO 49, Seattle like 40 or something

Wouldn’t it be amazing if the 49ers scored 49 points? Come on, admit it, that would be dopeness personified. I don’t really think they will score that many but I’m rooting for it so maybe by predicting it I will make it happen. I like Seattle because of their logo, and if Matt Hasselbeck decided to give me a jersey that would be cool, but Shaun Alexander is not exactly as good as he used to be and their coach is, excuse me for saying it, a pretty bad coach.

Tampa Bay 10, CAROLINA 55

Yeah, that’s right, Panthers are on the prowl. Doesn’t matter who they have at QB. You know why? Julius Peppers, is why. He’s got great length, a tremendous amount of upside, and dude can ball, straight up. I don’t know what position he plays, probably defense or something. But seriously, we could use him on the Wizz, cause our big guys keep beating each other up and then whining about each other and then getting hurt or writing poetry or something. With Julius Peppers in the middle, we’d be NBA champs. Hey, throw Steve Smith in there too, he has ups for days. We’re talking dynasty here — seriously, who else do we have on our team? I have to go look at our roster, brb.

San Diego 68, KANSAS CITY 74

Now this will be a fun game, MY kind of football. None of this punting stuff. Actually, I’m a real good punter, I should totally do that. Remember Punt Pass & Kick? Man, I loved that stuff. I was completely on the path to a national championship in that as a kid. Then my dad broke salty on me about my commitment to basketball, and we had this big yelling fight, and we played HORSE for it, and he won because he cheated. So I guess it just wasn’t meant to be. Still, man, I’d love to get in the game and go all Reggie Roby on someone’s ass. But not in this game. No punts here, just a whole lot of touchdowns, field goals, laterals, statue of liberty plays, hidden ball tricks, et cetera. It’s gonna be real street.

INDIANAPOLIS 82, Denver 7

Honestly, until I looked it up, I forgot the Colts won the Super Bowl last year. I mean, yeah, I knew it, I was there, I won $25,000 on the game. (Oops! Just kidding, Mr. Stern.) But then I forgot, because this is the most boring Super Bowl winner in history. They’re crazy efficient, just grind it out and put points on the board. Coach Tony D. is great on defense, even if he is a little obseski about other stuff I can’t really get with. So they’re gonna go apefire all over Denver, and no one will care, and maybe they’ll win another Super Bowl and still no one will care. No style, no flair. Glad I’m a baller.

PITTSBURGH 82, Arizona 7

Whoa, same score! What a coincidence…or is it? Only Agent Zero knows for sure. Mwah hah hah hah hah!

NY Giants 73, PHILADELPHIA 106

Blowout for my boy Donovan. Hey, a lot of people got all upset about those uniforms last week, mostly (no offense) white guys. But I thought they were all that and a can of Pringles. Great color scheme, nice detailing, very smooth. I wish all teams would wear different uniforms every single week. That’s pretty much what happens with us on the Wizz. Gold, black, white, all combinations thereof, we never know what we’re wearing until we get on the court. All I know is that I get to wear the big zero on my back.
Cincinnati 13, NEW ENGLAND 226

You know who the real pimps are? White dudes from Boston. Oh, and black guys from West Virginia. It’s all over.

Gilbert Arenas plays basketball for the Washington Wizards.