Seems like Pfizer has more on their plate than they’d like. Right after dealing with a controversy regarding their Celebrex arthritis drug, one of their more prominent spokespeople – Orioles slugger Rafael Palmeiro – has been suspended 10 games by Major League Baseball for violating the newly-instituted performance-enhancing substance abuse policy. Of course, Major League Baseball will not say what the substance in question is, and the list of substances covered under this policy has not been made public, but the court of public opinion will gladly indict Palmeiro as being a user of some type of steroid, regardless of the lack of evidence. (Palmeiro has appealed the suspension.)

Unpublished reports suggest that nearly 20% of all Major League players are using some kind of Viagra-like substance. One baseball executive reports that at least 10 of the players on his team use Viagra and other types of drugs: “Oh, yeah, all the time. After the game, they pop their pills before hitting the clubs. Playing baseball takes a lot out of a guy, especially during the dog days of summer. And it’s tough to unwind if you can’t rise to the occasion, if you sprachen my Deutsch.” One former MLB player (currently toiling in the independent leagues) has come across recreational use of these social performance-enhancers: “Yeah, [PLAYER’S NAME] has seem some crazy stuff, but this was real crazy, like OJ crazy, like LaRussa-on-coke crazy! So [PLAYER’S NAME] went to a club in Hollywood with his friend Hollywood superstar Luis Guzman! And [PLAYER’S NAME] was having a good time, chatting with the ladies about this and that, and Little [PLAYER’S NAME] was ready to swing for the fences with some fine fine b*tches! So [PLAYER’S NAME] went to the bathroom to freshen up, because [PLAYER’S NAME] gotta look and smell good for the ladies, especially when it’s crunch time! And some guy next to me offered [PLAYER’S NAME] some pill, said it would help with [PLAYER’S NAME]’s game, and [PLAYER’S NAME] was like hell yeah! [PLAYER’S NAME] likes to party! [PLAYER’S NAME] loved going to Studio 54 and hanging out with recording artist Debbie Harry and Hollywood starlet Liza Minelli back in the day while Hollywood superstar Alec Baldwin brought us all the toot we could blow while wearing a little cowboy outfit. Back in the day, [PLAYER’S NAME] could PARTAY – to hell with Strawberry, [PLAYER’S NAME] stirred the damn drink, and drank it too! Anyway, after popping that pill, Little [PLAYER’S NAME] was good to go! [PLAYER’S NAME] was doing one-handed push-ups for 12 hours, and the ladies were liking those pushups! When [PLAYER’S NAME] played the next day, [PLAYER’S NAME] didn’t need to bring a bat to the plate! And [PLAYER’S NAME] was good for the next night, too – ask around! That’s right! [PLAYER’S NAME] got some! Pay [PLAYER’S NAME]!”

Some have suggested that the slugger (and other ballplayers) needed to use Viagra because of their rampant abuse of performance enhanching substances. After all, studies have shown that steroids can adversely affect the sex drive. However, there is some speculation (based on fact, or based on roffles) that Palmeiro’s use of the ubiquitous erectile-disfunction drug might have caused a false positive. If this is indeed true, then Pfizer could experience a very Black Monday. The hurtles the drug company had to clear in order to have erectile disfunction become a part of daily parlance were seemingly unclearable at the time the drug went public. The stigma attached to needing such assistance is still hard to shake, even with the everpresent advertisement of such drugs. But if, indeed, Palmeiro’s test results were the result of ingesting a non-banned substance, then the impact could be felt beyond baseball. Men in the corporate marketplace beset with random drug tests might decide to stop taking the drug, for fear of being fired. Even the stigma of Viagra being associated with steroids and human growth hormones might be enough to adversely affect sales. The 45% second quarter revenue drop Pfizer experienced could be a hiccup compared to the hit the company could take in the next quarter.

Another interesting wrinkle to consider, courtesy of President Bush’s July 20th Patriot Act statement, at the Port of Baltimore:

THE PRESIDENT: Thanks for the warm welcome. It’s good to be back in Baltimore, home of the mighty Orioles. (Applause.) And my friend, Rafael Palmiero. (Applause.) I had the honor of calling — I call him Raffy — the other day to congratulate him on his 500 home run, 3,000 hit club membership. And I know you’re proud of him here. He’s a — as you can tell, I’m a baseball guy. And one of the things about Baltimore is you’re great baseball fans, and I think we’re all thrilled that our friend, Rafael Palmiero, is such a great player.

Palmeiro, as well as beleagured slugger Sammy Sosa, were both Texas Rangers when the President was owner of the club. Palmeiro’s transformation from average hitter to above-average slugger occurred during his years in Arlington, after being acquired from the Cubs. While Sosa never played in a Rangers uniform, his performance spiked in a similar fashion following a handful of years in Chicago. The President’s fondness for Palmeiro and Sosa is very evident – the President is even on record stating that the one decision he regrets making the most was trading away Sosa. Texas has also been a franchise that has seen a plethora of sluggers – Ruben Sierra, Juan Gonzalez, Ivan Rodriguez, Pete Incaviglia – emerge from their farm system and excel at hitting the ball long and far. Some suggest that the climate and the ballpark play into the success of these longball legends. But it doesn’t take a Woodward or Bernstein (or even Glass) to follow the money and reach some frightening conclusions regarding our Commander in Chief’s already sordid past.