Hello and reception to me, Ana Maria Collejeo Guillen again! I have returned for greater speak of baseball, the game greatest in the history of the humanity, and yes that includes futbol. (I am grieved to say that, Latins, but you know that I are truth about this one jajaja!)

There has been many talk about the World Baseball Classico, an idea for to get many different nations and their beisbol teams together to see once and for all whose culos would be kicked most and whom would be doing the kicking. All of Caracas and all of Venezuela has been talking about this! We cannot wait and we wish heartily that it was today, tomorrow, next week. Because we have the confidence of being the foot inside the shoe or cleat that will be to striking the ass of ustedes.

¿Quién puede competir con Venezuela hoy? Our starting team is like the Hall of Fame in 20 years. Bob Abreu, Johan Santana, Miguel Cabrera, Francisco Rodriguez, Carlos Guillen (mi cousin segundo on my mother’s sides), Melvin Mora, Ugueth Urbina, and more! We have not only the prime shortstop to ever play beisbol in America, a real caudillo by the name of Omar Vizquel, but also his backup is Cesar Izturis, who I remember as a little tiny fellow who danced in my first videos, “¿Dónde está el hombre en los pantalones de lujo?” Now, he is one of the Liga Nacional’s top hitters, and is quite an handsome fellow, disease free, and muy abundante en cama, si usted sabe lo que significo.

I do not wish any disrespect to Puerto Rico or El Dominican, because both would have very fine teams with all that reggaeton! Y Mexico which was left suspicionly off the ESPN page that discusses this matter, they would also have quite an okay esquad.

But the U.S.A. team, no to offense it, would be a complete joke. Your people, no to offense it, do not understand the right way to be a national team. This is proved every Olimpico, where other nations beat you at the sports you used to be good at because you invented them (as we say down here, your team gets batido como un esclavo o un primo feo del sexo, spicy!), so then you have to invent more sports to be good at, and then later the world also catches up to that. For this reason, your national esquad would be fat, lazy, and big-headed, no to offense it.

We have a different approach. For us, international competition is second fruit to us. Our esquad would come to these games with one thing on our mind: winning large. Also, your players are not as good as they were back in the days of Infanta Ruth and Enrico Aaron. Now, you have some okay pretty good players, but most of them are what I clean off my shoes, if you have heard that expression. Ben Sheets? Jajaja, I rather know about BED SHEETS! And Derek Jeter…well, I should perhaps restrict myself to say just that “the limousine looks good but the steering wheel is not big enough to move the vehicle.” That is all I am saying.

And another few words for you: Luis Aparicio, Enzo Hernández, David Concepción. If you smell what Ana Maria has to cooking.

But enough for now, as I must appearance to the victory party of Leones, down at El Beagle Real. I have not jumped out of a cake for a long time and must tweeze. Gracias and muchos besos con la lengua y los labios.

Ana Maria Collejeo Guillen is the top baseball writer for El Universal. She was also the winner in the first season of “Hermano Mayor,” Venezuela’s answer to Big Brother.