How do you like my new photo?

O my dear Ugueth, I was very surprise to see that los Tigres has traded you to los Filis. At first, I was very upseted. I was like this: “¡Oh no you did NOT do that to mi gran tio once removed!” I beg you, Alan Trammell seriously thinking Troy Percifal is better as a closer than you? Gringo please. Percifal could not even hold the jockstrap of our great countryman Francisco-Rod in Los Anaheim, now suddenly he is the second to coming of the savior. ¡When you were 9 por 11 in oportunities as el más cercano, with hitters hitting an average of .208 and two times the Ks as the BBs!

Okay, this seems unfair to me. Ordinary, Ana Maria does not traffick in teorías de la conspiración. But think about it: if Ugueth Urtain Urbina is really named George Yanqui America, he is Closer of the Year. Not to offense it, but this is pure and simply anti-Venezuelanismo. We seen it time and time again. Where is the love for Caracas? For beautiful land of pageants and Los Amigos Invisibles and arepas and shortstops?

But is okay, Tio Ugie, do not let los bastards get you down. Plus, Filadelfia is un better city than Detroit for us. They have won many games in recents, you will be again hanging out with Bobby Abreu (remember that cabin house we had at Paria Peninsula? o, Dios mio, such efun), and fewer pinche bolivianos. Even plus, the uniforms are MUCHO MEJOR!

You must go to Sazon on Spring Garden Street, is real Venezuelan cuisine like we are used to, the quesillo is to dying for (although the tres leches cake is weak).

And as for not being el closer anymore, just tenga paciencias. Billy Wagner is good but very brittle, he could snap like branch any day now, like “Pum, muerto.” And then you will step in, wearing a cute P in red white and blue instead of an old black and white old-time skanky D. You will save many kilotonnes of games, you will be hero, just like deservedly. And even if you do not, if you have trouble, is okay. Filadelfia fans are good, they will support you. This they are famous.

As for how I feel about you and Ramon Quien-Dat Martinez being moved for that overrated Dominican sweathog Polanco, I has nothing to say. And if I make myself accidentally to think about your poor mother…o it is too maddening, like being in la Brujeria with no sacred charms against ghosts.

Okay, Ugie, I must go to make a visit to the manager of los Aguiles. He says he has scoop for me. It has better be a real baseball journalism type scoop, porque if he tries to scoop my culo again it will be like this: “Lights out, good night” to him. ¡Just like you taught me!

Ana Maria Collejeo Guillen is the top baseball writer for El Universal. She also recently won a spot on Venezuela’s national biathlon team for the 2006 Olympics.