Jockish has learned that "Transformers" star John Turturro (currently featured in an illuminating ad campaign for Heineken Beer — watch out, Budweiser frogs!) was also being considered for a series of ads promoting the 2009 NFL playoffs and Super Bowl XLIII.  While these promos were (sadly) never made, we’ve gotten our hands on the script for the Super Bowl spot, which we now present to you.  For extra fun, imagine your favorite Coen Brothers Turturro character — Barton Fink, "The Big Lebowski"’s Jesus Quintana, or even wacky old Pete from "O Brother, Where Art Thou?" — reading these lines.  Enjoy!

This is not a sporting event.  This is a societal erection.

Two warring clans adorned in their Sunday best, pounding and rending each other for sixty minutes of unparalleled unconscious activity.  And for those of us witnessing this holy conglomeration of sparks and sweat — yes, there will be treats, my friends.  The governing lords will turn their eyes towards this conflict between bird and steel, and they shall cluck their tongues in ever widening circles of delight.  And they will bestow upon the great unwashed cinematic splendor and anthropomorphic majesty and dimwitted buxom women that don’t speaky the English so good .  And maybe a racist panda or twelve.

When our occular cherry is popped and those glistening helmets of bird and steel collide for that very first time, the silken undergarments of the world will swell with global pride.  Tumescent and triumphant, we will become one giant majestic boner, filled with various dip-laden products and succulent meats and more than a few yeasty beverages.  And for those four-plus hours of glorious circus, we will forget about that obnoxious woman in the next cube over that slurps her coffee and wears pink and white sweatshirts featuring Disney characters every day of the week.  We will forget about the onslaught of fat and old age that glacially creeps over our fraying waists and embiggened foreheads.  We will forget about the interest rate thieves and the rush-hour speed merchants and the forward-infested e-mails and all of those wearying cancers of the soul.  We will be horny with football, and we will be satisfied.

So make sure you make the most of this televised penile implant while it’s in your system, because this is not a sporting event.  This is a societal erection. 

Don’t forget to double-bag it.