Ed. Note:Welcome to another installment of Fantasy Baseball Advice here at Yard Work. We originally planned for Pedro Martinez and Tom Glavine to return for a second column. However, on the day of the interview, we ran into Anna Benson in the Shea Stadium press box and were unable to resist her charms! Model, actress, mother, and socialite, Anna always has time for interacting with her fans. We spoke with her on the afternoon of husband Kris’ Sunday night start against the Giants.
Q: OK, here’s the deal. I’ve been running a semi-platoon deal with Sean Casey and Ryan Klesko. Casey’s OPS split vs lefties/righties is 883/747. Normally, I bench Casey against righties and install Klesko at first on those days, with rare exceptions (Klesko’s splits are 742/930, thus, on days when Casey faces a righty and Klesko a lefty, I defer to the pitcher-batter matchups to decide if I want to bench either guy). So, when Casey is benched, I have to play an outfielder from my injury-depleted bench, which is a choice between Preston Wilson (who can’t hit a damn outside of Coors), or Richard Hidalgo, who also can’t hit lefties and is somehow hitting just .210 in Texas. What’s more, both guys are fast starters and tend to cool down after the All-Star break (to the tune of over 100 points in OPS). Thus, thinking long-term, I can see the logic in starting Wilson (when he plays at home) and Hidalgo (on the road) and hopefully this strategy will result in maximal playing time with the best possible matchups for Casey, Klesko, Hidalgo, and Wilson. Is this a sound strategy?
Fred R., Tempe, AZ
Anna Benson: Wow, math is hard! That’s a tough question. How many OBS do you need to total 27 million dollars? That’s what I need to know. My man has thousands of OBS’s, I’m sure of it. How many do your players have?
Q: After Glendon Rusch’s shutout against the Padres this week, is this guy for real? I’m asking because I’m mulling over a trade of Rusch for Eddie Guardado. If I lose Guardado, I still have Chad Cordero to close for me, and I’ve got a big lead in saves right now. I need a guy who can eat innings and pick up some W’s. Rusch gives up too many baserunners for my liking, but he’s been keeping runs off the board, is tied for his club lead in wins, and has even pitched very well in the Friendly Confines. Is this a good deal for me?
Joseph P., Nashville, TN
AB: When I’m with my husband, he pitches very well in my Friendly Confines and I’m not talking about baseball, if you know what I mean! Also, I’m not drunk enough yet, I need another cocktail! If I’m not good and tipsy when Kris pitches, I get very nervous and then who knows what kinds of silly things I’ll say!
Yard Work: Um, do you have an answer for Joseph from Nashville?
AB: Oh sure. How can I judge when I don’t know what they look like? Do you have pictures?
Yard Work: OK, here [shows pictures]
AB: Definitely the man in the blue cap. He has such soft eyes. You know who has the softest eyes? My husband. I get horny just thinking about them! After tonight’s game, after Kris gets his win, I’m going to surprise him, wear my sexiest bustier and tiniest black lace panties, creep up behind him in the clubhouse showers, and put my mouth on his [censored — Ed.] … and then take his [censored — Ed.] … into my [censored — Ed.] … we’ll go out to our favourite restaurant, and when we get home, he’ll be in for a night of more [censored — Ed.] … in his [censored — Ed.] … until we can’t do any more [censored — Ed.]. Ooooh, fun!
[Ed: Since Yard Work is a family-friendly website, some editing of Anna Benson’s statement was deemed necessary. Every effort was made to moderate her statements without altering their context.]
Q: I need to drop a starter in my 5 x 5 head-to-head league — either Chacin, Oswalt, or Wells. Oswalt is probably the best of the bunch, but he’s facing Pedro this week. BTW, my two relievers are Tavarez and Gagne. What do you think?
Henry G., Rochester, NY.
AB: Eeeeee, I just got a text message from Kris. The message says “centrosymmetry”. Don’t I know! And Pedro is such a cutie pie. You definitely need him on your team. His curly locks are so sensual.
Yard Work: That wasn’t really an option. Pedro isn’t on this guy’s fantasy team.
AB: Oh, it’s a fantasy team? Half of the Mets clubhouse is on my fantasy team. I love spending my husband’s money on the adorable Mets and their cute butts. He paid for these drinks, you know. He likes me good and wasted so that he can take advantage of me after the game once the kids go to sleep — and sometimes before they go to sleep! And sometimes right there at the dinner table! With our in-laws there! My man is so rich and beautiful. Do you want to know more about my fantasy team?
Ed. note: we decided to end the interview at that point and continue the discussion off the record. Thanks for reading this week’s edition of Fantasy Baseball Advice!