¡Hola, bitches! I’m back like the body part your mom spends most of her time upon. The lame-o-nauts here at Jockitch (see what I did there) have green-lit my booty-kickin’ fantasy baseball column, as I knew they would. So sit down, shut up, put yr pants back on, and take it — just like yr grandma did, last nite.

I play in about the toughest leagues you can possibly imagine with yr tiny human brains. In one, we exclude the top-ranked 300 players and start drafting after that, then disqualify all owned players and re-draft after the All-Slut Game. In another,  the stats we use are so complicated and arcane that I couldn’t even start to tell you about them. You would die in your own filth where you sit. (One example – EqEOVo5, a hitting rate stat that we guard so carefully that none of us actually understands it all the way. Process it. )

And, needless to say, I only play with the finest baseball minds in the world. Bill James? Hah, don’t make me laugh, that dude is Joe Morgan to the likes of us. And don’t even try to ask me about sellout anti-intellectuals like Tango, Neyer, McCracken — I’m talking about the damn Baseball Illuminati here, shadowy DiMaggio Code-type mofos who are the power behind the powers that be. In order to get to my first live draft I had to be chloroformed, blindfolded, and transported in the hatchback of a 1982 Honda Civic. Even now we all draft wearing those Eyes Wide Shut masks. Anyone who quits the league has 24 hours to go into witness protection and then it’s open season.

Probably, your league is a lot wimpier than any of mine. So I’ll try to dumb it down and hook you up with some Sneaky Sleepers and some Guys You Better Just Avoid. Ho hum, so boring, so elementary…but I guess it’s not your fault you’re not as smart as me so I’ll just do this.

SNEAKY SLEEPERS

1. In every draft I try to grab Oliver Perez, who’s sure to be a breakout guy this year again. Dude might not have the flashy hoi polloi-known stats, but he’s busting it up on all my rubrics. I anticipate this will translate into some "awesome" counting stats for your league — but to be honest any league that still counts strikeouts and wins then please make sure you say hi to Fred and Barney and the rest of the fellas the next time you’re down at the Royal Order of Water Buffalos Lodge.

2. Andy LaRoche is the best secret weapon the Pirates own. Sure, his last year’s numbers didn’t look too good. But they can’t be that bad forever, and he will go absolutely bat-nuts during the first two weeks of May, which is exactly WHY you need him now. Then you better flip him immediately, because the rest of his year will be a complete tailspin, bar a couple of two-double days in mid-August. Remember, you’re never eating up a roster spot with a LaRoche–you’re Investing.

3. Two words for you: Hanley Ramirez. Oh sure, I know he’s going #1 in just about every idiot draft I’ve seen. But these people only see the hits and the steals and the homers and stuff like that, especially from a shortstop; these things are all ephemeral and can be washed away like so much scum and filth from the streets of New York like my boy Travis Bickle. What I’m talking about are OTHER indicators that are even more important for 2009. His SASSOON: a stunning 4.815, nice for a SS. His z1NKY ratio is 16/23 and his wibbL an impeccable 42. That hasn’t been seen in, like, ever.

GUYS YOU BETTER JUST AVOID

1. Albert Pujols is probably one of the greatest players in our lifetime, and certainly one of the most consistent. That is why you must not draft him. Consistency is boring and safe and only losers play that way. Well, and occasional winners, but still and yet. If all you want to do is win, especially in the protozoan league you inhabit with your brother and his friends and some college people and the next-cubicle guy, by all means take Pujols in the first round. But if you want to win WITH STYLE or else go out on your shield like a damn Viking warrior, you are much better off going mercurial and grabbing a could-go-either-way flameout candidate like Nick Swisher. That guy blows up and gets say 70 percent of Pujols’ numbers, you can be all like "YEAH TRICK YEEEEEEAAAHHH WHAT WHAT" and shame the league; if they don’t pan out, or they are crap, just be dismissively superior. WORKS FOR ME.

2. Do not draft Nick Swisher. Yes, he’ll be better than last year, but no, that doesn’t matter. He’s on the Yankees, and I hate the Yankees. Actually, I don’t really care about the Yankees or any team — I just know that if I harsh on the NYYs then haterbloggers and Red Sox fans will descend on us like they are locusts and we are old-timey Mormons. And I love controversy! Thanks for all the hate mail and harsh language…(wait for it)…Mom.

3. Hanley Ramirez. Nuff said.

Okay, now that I gave away all my Just Okay Tips, saving of course my HOT STUFF BANGERS for only me and my subscribers, have at it. Catch ya on the flip-flop and don’t eat any wooden nickels.