Hello once again to my American Frankyboys, this is 1999 Liege-Bastogne-Liege Champion Frank Vandenbroucke writing once again to talk to you about the subject of baseball. But that is enough about me for the moment, for there is not enough space to provide further detail of my plentiful sporting accomplishments because my mind is occupied with many other pursuits right now.

Centrally, I am pleased. I am pleased that my column from three months back, which was intended to improve your American sports such as baseball, has been received so successfully. I wag my finger enthusiastically in your direction, Mr. Palmeiro, for you have done well by heeding my advice. You have made a rather spectacular claim, namely:

Palmeiro said his wife, Lynn, injected him with the B-12, explaining she knew how to use a syringe because she gave the family dogs allergy shots.

Bravo, my friend. Shifting a portion of the blame onto your dog is most worthwhile, since only the most cruelest vultures of the press would dare question anything that was done to preserve the health of a harmless domestic animal. The wife administered shots to both you and your dog, but which substances were intended for you and which were meant for your dog? The uncertainty in your doping case has been irreversably mixed in with the condition of your dog, and one thing is for certain: the dog will not be scrutinized. However, I am mildly upset about your lack of creativity in that you blatantly stole the description of events that I gave after my house was raided several years ago. Regardless, you have earned my full respect with the manner in which you delivered your explanations. Just like with me, you are now a free agent who can sign with any team you choose and make a fresh start. Or as the saying goes where I am from, “he who carries a 100 kg load on his shoulders over a 2.5 km distance is entitled to 200 kg worth of rewards”. Very well done.

I have also detected many complaints about the new penalty system that has been installed in your sport. Many people have the opinion that 50 game suspensions are too great a punishment for a first offense. These people should quiet themselves and cease their complaints. Europeans are lax about many things, such as coffee breaks and writing the EU constitution. However, we are not lax when it comes to handing out penalties in cycling. The maximum penalty for first-time offenders is a two-year ban from the sport. This is the precise penalty that was given to self-proclaimed American choirboy Tyler Hamilton several months ago. So please do not cry and whine to me about harsh doping penalties in American sports, for I will not sympathize with you. The appropriate response is not to complain, but to become smarter. Athletes must raise their game. As the punishments rise, so must the quality of their explanations when faced with doping charges. Mr. Palmeiro’s dog-aided discourse is a success in 2005, but in future seasons, it will no longer be acceptable and baseball athletes will have to create something better. This is where Mr. Palmeiro’s lack of creativity disturbs me and causes me to possess some fear for the future of his sport. Baseball players, particularly elite ones, must not continue to look to the past for inspiration. They must take the sheep by its wool and cut themselves a unique new path.