First of all, congratulations to Colin Cowherd on his sitcom development deal with CBS. I’ve never had the pleasure of listening to Colin on the radio for more than a few minutes at a time, but from what little I’ve caught of his endearing shtick, I’m sure he’s got the right attitude to be as successful in television as he’s been on the radio.
As some of you might know, I’ve been on both ends of the success spectrum when it comes to television, so I know what it’s like to be the talk of the town as well as the dick on the dial. In addition, I had the pleasure, however fleeting it was, to play a real-life sports pundit personality of sorts in my star vehicle (coincidentally enough, a CBS show) Listen Up! It’s a shame that me and all those other wonderful and talented folks in the cast and crew weren’t able to fully do justice to the wit and wisdom of radio and print pundit supreme, Tony Kornheiser. That said, I feel that experience gives me an insight into what Colin and his team of producers need to keep in mind to make their show as successful as other CBS staples like Bleep My Dad Says, Mike & Molly, and the upcoming reality smash Arranged Marriage. I honestly have more advice to dole out than I know what to do with, but since this is the internet, and I know you all have porn to surf (ha ha ha), here’s a quick and dirty three-bie to mull over.
1) How do you get to the top of the Nielsen ratings? Catchphrase, catchphrase, catchphrase!
It might seem a little crass, but it’s more than a little true. After all the Emmys get put away in storage, and after the DVD boxset residuals dwindle to a pittance, and after Hollywood stops stunt-casting you as hackneyed versions of your most famous character, your catchphrase will live on. If I had a dollar for every time I thought I heard someone yelling, “Serenity now!” or “George is getting upset!” at me from across the street or from the other side of a restaurant, I would be too busy dealing with my stock broker to bother writing this blog for a mere twenty-five cents a word. That rhere’s even a Catchphrase section (though a somewhat skint one, all things considered) on the Wikipedia page for Bob Patterson, another short-lived sitcom of mine, says more than I can about the power of the well-chosen word.
If you want to stick to the ribs of John Q. Channel-Changer, you have to come up with a pithy catchphrase or twelve that will keep those itchy clicker fingers at bay. In Colin’s case, given his show’s based around sports talk radio and his family life, something related to athletics and the homestead would probably be appropriate: “I’ve got your touchdown right here, [insert wife nickname here];” “Nothing but the back of my hand;” “As cool as the other side of our pre-nuptual agreement.” The possibilities are endless. And given Colin’s play-on-words for his real-life radio show (The Herd), another similar bit of wordplay in naming its fictional counterpart could open up all sorts of possibilities. I’m partial to The Dude Ranch, as history’s proven time and again that cowboy metaphors are always a comedic goldmine. Along similar lines: The Bro-down Hoe-down, The Bucking Stops Here, Barn-Burners, and so on. These are just suggestions, of course. As with any artistic endeavor, you have to go with your gut (and depending on who’s in charge, the whims of some know-nothing focus group that won’t let you do succeed as anything besides being George Costanza every time you walk out in front of the camera like some sort of performing monkey waiting for the old man to turn the crank and say, “Let’s go, monkey! Time to dance for your peanuts! I said DANCE, you stupid monkey! SHAKE WHAT YOUR MOTHER GAVE YOU, COCO!”)
(But I digress.)
2) You say “controversy,” I say “cha-ching!”
In today’s world of streaming webcasts and pixelated phone pics, it’s not enough to be funny and charming and photogenic. You have to have a quality about you, a certain “je ne sais quoi” that no one else has. In other words, as Derek Jeter says in those car commercials, you need an edge. CBS is known for airing shows with an edge, from the gritty forensics of the CSI franchise and their countless other cop dramas, to the extra-curricular shenanigans of Two and a Half Men co-star Charlie Sheen. A quick click of the Google machine shows that Colin’s no stranger to controversy; after all, it’s hard to thrive on the radio if you’re not willing to mix it up, even if it means sounding like you have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about at all. As most folks in show business know, sometimes a foot in the mouth is worth its weight in gold, and having this sort of real-world material to cull from will undoubtedly help the showrunners get things off on the right foot. I can see a show where Colin’s stand-in — let’s call him Steve Stallion — is a sports-savvy Archie Bunker, a no-holds-barred man’s man that’s not afraid to speak his mind on anything and everything, whether it’s what the President should be doing to privatize Social Security or who should be the New York Giants’ starting quarterback. (Of course, I have to imagine that CBS will do everything in its power to use the show as a platform to promote the NFL; as a wise man once told me, if you got it, beat it into the ground like it owes you money.)
3) It’s a small world after all, so cast carefully.
It never fails: so much work goes into fine-tuning the concept of a show, tweaking its set design, polishing its writing, and picking the perfect leading man, that the rest of the cast is filled merely as an afterthought. As you might imagine, shows like these suffer as a result. Believe you me, I know whereof I speak. I’m guessing Colin and friends are leaning towards a more traditional-looking cast for this sports-centric chuckle hut. And as you might have guessed, when I use the word “traditional,” I mean “attractive,” and I mean “white.” Yes, it helps draw in a certain desired demographic if you cast some fetching young buxom things as Steve Stallion’s spunky and rebellious teenage daughters, and include a slightly older doppelganger as Steve’s equally fetching wife. And this might work, for a while. But you have to remember that we are living in a global community nowadays. The distance between Bangor, Maine and Bangladesh is only as far as a tiny move of your computer mouse. You might grab a few more 20 to 30 year olds in Middle America if you cast your Lisa Kudrows or your Loni Andersons, but you’re missing out on bigger, and spicier, pieces of the pie.
Why not have Steve be married to a feisty and exciting African American woman named Shantelle? Why can’t Steve adopt a wide-eyed Turkish orphan with the love of American sports? Why not have Steve’s next door neighbor be a fun-loving devout Muslim? These minor little tweaks open the doors to so many places, both in the world and in the writer’s room; the jokes with Sanjeet or little Fyvush trying to pronounce athlete’s names just write themselves! And I’m not just talking out of my Jenny Craig-ercized backside on this United Colors of Benneton jive: on Listen Up!, the amazing and talented Malcolm Jamal-Warner was cast as my ex-athlete radio-show co-host. I’m sure that, if the show lasted more than one season, Malcolm’s ethnicity (coupled with his Cosby Show cred, as well as the Jerry Maguire Malcolm and I were cultivating) would have been a boon for the show’s continued success across all color barriers, including that most important of colors: green.
But enough about me, and enough about my advice. I could go on and on about what I’ve learned through my long and storied career as an actor and entertainer. But if there’s one more tip I could share, whether you’re an up-and-coming media mogul like Colin or just a regular guy working the 9-to-5 to make ends meet, it’s this: always land on your feet, even when you fall flat on your face. Until we meet again, America!
Actor / producer / entertainer Jason Alexander is currently looking for a publisher for the sequel to his first book, Act Without Acting, entitled Act Live Without Living Acting.