Like everyone in the NFL blogosphere, we have our jockstrap all up in a bunch over this whole New-England-Patriots-cheating-for-many-years scandal. Well, we’re rebels around here, so we’re gonna avoid saying the same old tired crapola that all the other places are squeezing out like so much purple hair in the Fuzzy Pumper Barber Shop of the football punditry. (That’s right, we just dropped a Fisher Price reference. THAT’S HOW WE ROLL Y’ALL.)

Face it, we need some new perspective on this issue. Instead, we have assembled top experts to weigh in with their thoughts. Hang on, babies — it’s gonna be a bumpy column.

Bill Buchanan, former head of the CIA’s Counter Terrorist Unit, Los Angeles division

We have a situation here…but it’s not a very serious one. If you had told me even a few months ago that the whole country would be mesmerized by a Patriot spying scandal, I would have been hunting down leaks like Mario and Luigi. Instead, we are apparently talking about a football team called the New England Patriots, and a low-level (albeit long-running) videotaping event. So let’s just take the threat level down a notch, here, can’t we?

Look, if I’ve learned anything from my career in CTU — which, judging from my track record, I really apparently haven’t, LOL — I’ve learned that all surveillance should be meticulously planned and use only the latest and best technology. It also never actually prevents any tragedy or embarrassing international incident. In this regard, Bill Belichek has failed — his team has actually done very well over the years. Because of the gap between this situation and my own personal experience, I must recuse myself from the conversation. I’m busy trying to get reinstated in the domestic federal hierarchy and save my crumbling marriage.

Carmelo Anthony, basketball player, Denver Nuggets

Hey, it’s your boy Carm. I don’t know why I’m writing for this corny-ass website but my consultants say I have to raise my public profile and NBA.com is even cornier and Yardbarker won’t return my emails. :(

So my basic take on this is this: Mangina is a straight-up punk who got his bitch-ass beat and then flipped on his boy. (I’m not the only one who feels this way.) But I got in trouble the last time I said something like that — no one in Denver who can afford season tickets can handle the realness, big surprise. You know how hardcore I am; remember how I took on the entire Knicks team and stood my ground like a man that night in the Garden?

But I’m on this mission to increase my Q Score in middle America, so let me officially say that I condemn this horrible act of skullduggery, and I fully support Eric Mangini’s brave whistleblowing. It’s about time this kind of thing was removed from football, and all sports in general. I love fair play, freedom, and the U.S.A.

Creepy dude from “Peeping Tom”

Imagine… someone coming towards you… who wants to take video of your offensive schemes… regardless of the consequences. Doesn’t that sound like the scariest thing in the world?

Well, it would be if that man was working for Bill Belichek. He is the current “big daddy” of NFL coaches — and if Father chooses to tape us, aren’t we supposed to just lay back and enjoy it? After all, Father always knows best. On the other hand, the unblinking gaze of the videocamera always records us at our most vulnerable: when we are terrified, when we are weeping uncontrollably, when we are trying to implement a system to cover Donté Stallworth on a quick-out. Being photographed during these times can make a person unsettled, or even upset. Perhaps even a little bit angry.

So if Eric Mangini chose to react the way he did against the Father, with a blinding flash of red in his eye and a touch of hatred in his heart, I for one cannot condemn him. On the other hand, if Bill Belichek tried to gain a competitive advantage over another coach, is that not his job? Listen to the media messages out there, and the culture of football itself: Winning Isn’t Everything, It’s the Only Thing; Just Do It; Ayo Technology. If you think coaches aren’t influenced by the world around them, you are crazy. I would know.

But ultimately this is really not a football issue, but a philosophical one. After all, which football sites get more hits, the ones with serious analysis or those with girls on the front covers and no front covers on the girls? Actually, I don’t know the answer, but let’s assume the latter. Football makes us into voyeurs. We sit in the stadium, or more likely in our man-caves, watching other people’s lives. It is the bargain football strikes with us, although most commentators are too well-behaved to mention it. What we are talking about is not two coaches locked into a daddy/son cycle involving stolen images, deadly intent, and ill-fitting clothing. We are really talking about our own relationship with the media monster we have created.

We click on every upskirt shot link, knowing very well that we are giving away a little bit of our soul every time. We embrace the camera lens, staring into it longingly while is killing us.

Plus, the Patriots suck. Fuck those guys.