Since we’re heading down the stretch, I figured I’d post a picture of me in mid-stretch from back in the day! No steroids for me, no sir. I gained my weight the old-fashioned way – I ATE IT. (Wow – I had hair once. Damn.)

With only a few weeks left in the regular season, the Cleveland Indians are on their way to make one of the greatest comebacks in the history of the game. After being left for dead in May, and playing like a bunch of crap, they turned things around, and are only 4 games back in the loss column to the most-folks-thought end-to-end AL Central leading Chicago White Sox. And they have six games left with Ozzie’s smallball-loving Pale Hose! This is some exciting crap!

They also have a one-and-a-half-game lead on the “took you long enough” hard-charging New York Yankees. Gee, I wonder where all those smart guys that said the Yankees are done went to? Maybe they’re going to see a foot doctor to get those teeth mark removes, huh? Or maybe they’re going back to school to find more big worded ways to say “I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about.” (For what it’s worth, I bet if you took a poll of the writers and TV folk that kept the faith in the Yankees this year, and the folks that said the Yankees were done, you’d find out that a lot of the Yankee haters never played baseball. That doesn’t mean you can’t talk about something if you’ve never done it, or you’re jealous of folks that can, or you’re just some know-it-all smartypants that has to tell everyone what you’re thinking because you’re so damn smart. I’m just saying.)

Anyway, unless you’re stupid or dead, you already know why the Indians are where they are. What I want to talk about is why they’re not better than what they are, and I’m going to specifically talk about one Indian in particular that’s been a season-long disappointment. I’m talking about pitcher Kevin Millwood. That’s right – big fancy free agent signing Kevin Millwood, the same guy the Phillies loved so much that they gave up a great young catcher in Johnny Estrada. The same guy that made ELEVEN MILLION DOLLARS with the Phillies last year, and sucked like Grandma eating a Pop Ice without her dentures.

Of course, the guy was great with the Braves, but who isn’t? Give me a few minutes with Leo Mazzone (and a few more with an Abciser), and I could strike out Barry Bonds whenever I wanted. Hell, give me five minutes with the ball that hit Mazzone in the head, and I’ll probably be able to do Stuart Scott’s taxes in five mintues! (And that’s not easy – you try keeping track of all those speaker’s fees, dog! For shizzle, you grizzle!) Anyway, yeah, the guy’s a miracle worker, but the miracle’s crap out once you leave Atlanta, and Millwood’s performance this year is proof of that.

Now, don’t look at that ERA he has. I don’t care if he is leading the American League. I wouldn’t care if he was leading the World League. Pitching’s not just about ERA or WHIP or batting average against or VORP or SCHWING or whatever they’re cooking up in algebra class. It’s about getting your team wins. You want to know where Millwood is on the Indians in wins? Fifth. He’s their least winningest pitcher. He’s behind a waiver-wire pick-up like Scott Elarton. Worse than that – he’s under .500. That means every time he takes to the mound, his team’s got more of a chance to LOSE than to WIN.

Why is Millwood so bad at winning? It boils down to pitching to the score. Some guys – like Pedro or Jack Morris – can do it. Some guys – like this multi-million dollar clown – can’t. You have to know when you can give up runs and when you can’t. As a pitcher, you’re in control of what happens in the game, and you have to pitch to what the game’s offering you. If you’re going up against a Roger Clemens, then you gotta keep the other team off the board. If you’re going up against the Kansas City Royals, though, then you have more room to work with.

By the way, I gotta give Buddy Bell some props for the job he’s tried to do with that pack of stink he’s got in blue and white. I don’t care who’s in that uniform, whether it’s Dusty Baker or Tito or even Felipe Alou – NO ONE would be able to win with what they got in Kansas City. Buddy’s got some moxie to actually want to go there and screw up his managerial record, watching those out-of-their-league kids and scrappy vets come up short every single night. If they gave a Manager of the Year award for Guy With Cojones The Size of Mount Rushmore, Buddy would win it every year. (Yeah, make a joke about That Thing on your own time – I got something to say here!)

So what’s Millwood been doing this year? He’s been losing games 2-1, or 4-3, or 1-0. Some folks might blame the hitters for these losses, but it’s as much the fault of the pitcher. If your guys can only get you 2 runs, then you have to hold the other team to 1 or less. Millwood’s unwillingness to do this is part of the reason why the Indians are only in second place. That sort of “blame-everyone-but-me” thinking rubs off on your teammates, whether you want it to or not, and it’s going to affect how they hit behind you.

Just look at his first start of the season – sure, he shut out the White Sox, but for only six innings? That’s no good, and you can see the result – because Millwood could only go six, the bullpen gave up the lead and the win. And look what happened – the White Sox opened up a 15 game lead, and the Indians spent two months getting slapped around like someone’s lippy brat kid. And who’s fault is that? You guessed it – Millwood. You only get one chance to make a first impression, and after that garbage start, it’s been nothing but bad luck for him. And if the Indians fail to do anything in the playoffs – or even make it into the playoffs! – the buck stops right on his overpaid, underperforming shoulders.

Kevin Millwood: what a chump.