Hi, chip cheep, gah Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim Rally Monkey. Chip chip cheeple chip screeee chip gah gahgah chip recently concluded series chipchip gah Angels gahgah Chicago White Sox. Chip chip cheeeep, gah goo congratulate chip White Sox. Babbo sploo chip chip, cheep deserved screeeeee victory, although chip chip cheeep victories babbo forever tainted […]

I was umpirin’ in Chicago, workin’ hard behind the plate The night was clear and cool, October 12 it was the date ‘Twas the White Sox and the Angels, vyin’ for th’ALCS The score was one to one, the outcome anybody’s guess And in the bottom of the ninth, A.J. Pierzynski at the plate A […]

A lot of people email me to ask me why I manage the way I do. Man, if I answered every single email, I’d never get any managing done around here! But I try, because the fans are the third most important thing in baseball. The second is the game. The first is winning. I […]

Many of you have written me to ask me who will win this year World Series. The answer, is “I do not know!” No one knows, not even this so-says-he called Spartacus. May be I should not say this, but he is what we call in Venezuela “a homely dog running around in the streets […]

I hope you’re drinking something cool and have plenty of suntan lotion available, because, as you know by now, I totally burned you with my postseason picks article. By picking just about everything correctly, I think I’ve pretty much solidified my standing as The Only Pundit That Matters around here. (Notice that no one else […]

Hello. It is I, Robert Uecker. I am addressing you from PNC Park in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, where the Milwaukee Brewers have just defeated the Pittsburgh Pirates. Our record now stands at 81-79 with two games to go. No matter what transpires in the next two days, we have clinched a .500 record for the 2005 […]

Listen up, you bunch of Krispy Kreme-eating civilians: THERE IS NO SUSPENSE LEFT in the season. All the playoff races are set, yo, they’re in da book, da book is shut and returned to the library and someone else has already checked it out. Wait — what? You don’t know how it’s all gonna turn […]

Which baby-faced pitcher from a certain Midwestern club is blushing with shame after a saucy prediction about how this would be his breakout year blew up in his face? This cute-as-a-button hurler was pipped by the boys at Baseball Prospectus to have a monster year, but the only monster here was his crappy season, which […]

Yard Work is pleased to present this baseball-related excerpt from “Memories of My Melancholy Whores,” the new novel by Gabriel Garci­a Marquez, which will be published later this fall. The translation is by Edith Grossman. It occurred to me, watching that lithe adolescent pick that tamarindo up off the floor of the jungle clearing in […]

Well, Sidney Ponson wasn’t going to stay a “Useless Pitcher” for long. The rotund hurler was cut by the Baltimore Orioles recently, doubly plagued by his own ineffectiveness and volatile off-field demeanor. But the man with the million-dollar smile and the honorarily royal pedigree didn’t have to wait for television to come calling. Ponson will […]