You might have read somewhere that we’re doing a big screen adaptation of 3 Nights in August. Here’s a look, in alphabetical order, at who we’ve talked to about playing myself. If you have a suggestion, leave a comment. Thanks.
Greg Dulli
Apparently he runs a bar near Dodger Stadium and sings for a grunge-lounge (?) bar band called the Tiki Torch Singers. I could have it wrong. The resemblance is there. He’s a little shifty, though. He does a good Tommy Shaw.
Morgan Freeman
Just kidding. He’s my favorite actor. Probably wouldn’t make sense.
Harvey Keitel
Obviously Harvey is a tremendous actor, very gifted. I’m not so sure I want people to watch Bad Lieutenant and think of me, is all. Another thing that troubles me is that my Styx tour jacket, given to me by Dennis DeYoung in the early ’80s, doesn’t look too good on him. It smelled funny when I got it back. He wouldn’t have to wear it in the film, but there is a scene where the jacket is shown hanging in my office. I realize it’s a minor detail. Realism is a goal.
Anthony LaPaglia
He’s too big. A stand-up guy, though. Note the lack of space between the “a” and the “P”. People use “LaRussa” all the time when it should actually be “La Russa.”
Ray Liotta
Ray’s a good man. I like him. But when we went out for dinner, he kept cracking jokes about the barbeque seitan I was eating, making clever asides about the pronunciation of seitan. I didn’t like it one bit. He also said he would refuse to wear his hair like I do. That’s another strike.
Mike Myers
He did an accurate impersonation of me. He came into the room in full uniform, including the same exact glasses I wear. Frankly, it gave me the creeps.
Henry Rollins
I’m afraid he’s too muscular and energetic. I was also surprised that he flinched and didn’t seem the least bit coordinated when I tossed him a baseball from about eight feet away. He also laughed when I showed him my Styx jacket and mumbled something about lightweights. He does like cats, however. Liking cats is a plus in my book.
Tony La Russa has never experienced the flatulence that comes with eating a Dodger Dog. He is a vegetarian.
Tony, I just want you to know that I could totally fucking do it. You got to let me come in and read. Because I so fucking get you, it’s scary. There have been days when I thought I *was* you, Jesus fucking Christ. It’s that fucked up.
I honestly believe you are the smartest man in baseball. Honestly.
Let me know when I can come in and read.
Tom
TS@tomsizemoreactor.com.
Tony, babe, why’re you talking to a blog when you should be talking to me? My little pal Oscar & I think that I’d be perfect for this role, and Oscar is never, never wrong. I got assloads of experience playing megalomaniacs, and with some prosthetic makeup, shoelifts, and a little of that magic they call “acting,” I’m good to go. Also, if you’re in the market for a love interest of the non-AARP stripe, me and a certain Ms. Bosworth might have a little squeeze play going on, if you catch my pitch. Have your folks call my folks, Tony. We’ll chat over some good old paisani food. Let’s make it happen. Let’s make YOU happen. Ciao!
Tom: You recently played Pete Rose, right? That’s what I thought.
Kevin: It’s Kevin, right? We called your folks and they said “Kevin would not even entertain the idea of this role.” Loved you in K-PAX.