Dear Friends,

This week, our beloved national pastime experienced a period of great turmoil. One of the game’s most gifted players was exposed as a user of performance-enhancing drugs. His team subsequently collapsed into turmoil, leading to the impeachment of the team’s chief clubhouse executive, who was outed as an absent-minded dilettante. Meanwhile, the normal business of the trading deadline was disrupted by a massive exchange that later turned out to be nothing more than a massive market-manipulation scheme, in a case of two mammoth corporations short-circuiting the market to the disadvantage of small business owners and to the dismay of the American consumer. Finally, the National League West continued to be weighed down by one of the greatest depressions in the history of the game, leading young children from Phoenix to San Francisco to leave home and panhandle on the streets of Chicago, St. Louis and Boston for wins.

I don’t need to tell you that it hasn’t been a pretty scene, for you are the real people who must live in and with this mess every single day, day in and day out. But I refuse to believe that things are as grim as they appear. There must be a silver lining that we partisans of progress can build upon as we look to build a better game of baseball for our children, and for our children’s children. My new organization, Baseball for America, has compiled the following poll results for you, the readers of Yard Work, as you look for that silver lining — and lead the game into the 21st Century.

With Thanks,
Howard Dean

(Note: Results of some answers may not equal 100 due to rounding. Random telephone survey of 5,000 U.S. households conducted Aug. 4-6.)

Rafael Palmeiro recently tested positive for a powerful steroid. What should the league do to prevent further positive tests by star sluggers?

Institute a rigorous testing program : 14%
Use testing only on unpopular players : 36%
Jose Canseco is an asshole : 41%
Not sure : 19%

Lee Mazzilli was fired as manager of the Orioles this week. Who should replace him?

Someone who will uphold Roe v. Wade : 73%
Someone who will overturn Roe v. Wade : 27%

Should Major League Baseball contract the National League West?

Yes : 56%
No : 24%
I’m tired of baseball handing out big contracts : 20%

Which of the following teams is most likely to win the 2005 World Series?

New York Yankees : 38%
New York Yankees : 40%
New York Yankees : 21%
Staten Island Yankees : 1%

The Oakland Athletics have been the hottest team in baseball for the last month or so, storming into first place in the race for the American League Wild Card. To what do the A’s owe their success?

Timely hitting, productive outs, base stealing : 4%
“Moneyball” : 16%
White cleats : 20%
Liberal grooming policies : 60%

How gay is Mike Piazza?

Not gay at all : 1%
Kinda gay : 4%
He seems very happy : 15%
Carson Kressley : 80%

Attendance has been down at many ballparks across the country, though the game remains as popular as ever in traditional baseball towns like New York and St. Louis. What could clubs in smaller markets do to attract more fans (You may select more than one answer)?

Cheerleaders : 67%
Male cheerleaders : 43%
“Whack-a-Mascot” : 86%
Player fights : 71%
Fights between coaches : 63%
Fights between mascots : 44%
Fights between coaches and mascots : 79%
Fights between cheerleaders : 97%
Free beer : 100%

Who is the hottest Major League general manager?

Theo Epstein : 15%
Paul DePodesta : 25%
J.P. Ricciardi : 25%
Branch Rickey : 35%

Which of the following developments has had the most serious negative impact on Major League Baseball?

Steroids : 4%
Manny Being Manny : 5%
YES Network : 6%
Tampa Bay Devil Rays : 35%
Joe Morgan : 50%

Will somebody Pay Rickey?

Yes : 95%
No : 4%
“Somebody had better pay Rickey, now get off Rickey’s phone” : 1%