“I’ve had plenty of e-mails from fans suggesting if we had an owner we could have kept Esteban Loaiza and signed A.J. Burnett, Kevin Millwood and/or Jarrod Washburn. So, for a mere $35 million for this year alone, you could have had a starting pitching rotation that is a combined 2-9.” – Jim Bowden, The Baltimore Examiner, April 26, 2006

I’ve had plenty of emails from fans suggesting that if we had an owner, we could have resigned Esteban Loaiza and traded him to the Mariners for hot prospect Felix Hernandez. So, we could have had a pitcher who currently has the second most losses in the American League and we would have been stuck with him for the next six years.

I’ve had plenty of emails from fans suggesting that if we had an owner, we could have resigned Esteban Loaiza and traded him to the Reds for young slugger Wily Mo Pena. So, we could have had an outfielder who only has one home run in 27 at-bats and let a ball bounce off his head for a home run.

I’ve had plenty of emails from fans suggesting that if we had an owner, we could have paid local punk legends Fugazi to end their hiatus and play during the seventh inning stretch of every home game. So, instead of watching our mascot Screech the Eagle perform somersaults, we would have had to listen to a band that’s been making music for almost 20 years but has never had a gold record.

I’ve had plenty of emails from fans suggesting that if I was still GM of the Reds, I would have traded Austin Kearns and Adam Dunn to the Cardinals for To Saguchi and Tony Womack, and then ask Womack to play first base, which is woefully out of line. For one, Womack’s tools are more suited for catching.

I’ve had plenty of emails from fans suggesting that if I hadn’t signed Vinny Castilla and Christian Guzman to deals that overestimated their actual market value, I could have bought more liquor and passed out instead of getting pulled over for DUI.

I’ve had plenty of emails from fans suggesting that if we had an owner, I’d be working in a sausage stand outside of the Lowe’s home improvement center in Harrisburg, PA, and talking to customers about how Mike Kelly was THIS CLOSE to becoming the next Barry Bonds. You want peppers on that?

I’ve had plenty of emails from myself suggesting that if Scarlett Johansen was my age, then she would be my fiancee, and I would not have to talk about how my current fiancee didn’t assault me, and I would have gotten to meet the Coen Bros and Woody Allen, and have my picture in People. So, were it not for some cruel twist of fate, I could have been Optimus Prime in the new Transformers movie.

I’ve had plenty of emails from fans suggesting that if we had an owner, and he was some kind of dark lord or magus responsible for time travel, we could have raised Babe Ruth, Lou Gehrig, Joe DiMaggio, and Roberto Clemente from the dead, and signed them for peanuts, considering we would own their immortal souls. But then the player’s union would be all up in our grills about how signing undead zombies is unfair, and Bud Selig would have caught a hot one from Senator McCain about how we’re staining the game even more, and there would be both fan uproar AND another strike. So basically, by not doing that, we have SAVED baseball.