The war in Iraq: “It’s been mismanaged; it was not well-planned. We don’t have the leaders we had 60 years ago. We should have gone in with 450,000 troops, tanks and good supply lines. We should have had Marshal Law (sic) and curfew. That’s what we did in Japan and it worked, didn’t it?”

Baseball’s Steroids Era: “Anybody who takes steroids is stupid. Those guys are gonna die in their early 50s, if not before. They’re lousing up their bodies and their brains and their reproductive organs and everything else. …”I hope those guys never make the Hall of Fame. But then, anybody with any brains is not gonna vote for anybody who’s on steroids.”

Free agency: “Let me tell you, getting paid to play baseball is a damn privilege, and all these folks actually complaining about not getting five million dollars when the team is only giving them four and a half – what in the sam hell is that all about? All these hotshot prima donnas – your Alex Rodriguez, your Manny Ramirez, your Hideki Datsuki – they’re taking money away from Joe Blow and his family by asking for all this extra cash. Do you really need ten cars? Or five houses? Or three girlfriends? And don’t get me started about all these immigrants coming over here and swiping jobs from good hard-working American players. Are you really trying to tell me that people in this country care what happens to Itchykoo Sukookoo? Chingy ching WRONG! That guy couldn’t hold Stan Musial’s jockstrap even if he used both hands. It’s just like NAFTA. Harry Truman wouldn’t sign NAFTA, and he wouldn’t let this stuff happen, either.”

At-bat music: “These pampered superstars now have their own music that plays for them every time they come up to the plate. This just shows you where baseball is at these days. The only athletes who should have their own theme songs are professional wrestlers and strippers. In my day, when a guy came up to bat, all you could hear were people opening up Cracker Jacks boxes, the happy cries of children, and a few well-meaning jibes at the colored folk. You know, because colored folks have a great sense of humor about things. They have to – they’re black!”

Home runs: “They’re an outright disgrace to the game. If someone asked me what was wrong with today’s game, that’s what I’d point to. Steroids only makes the problem worse, but the homerun’s been ruining the game long before drugs were. Right after I retired, what happened? One-trick ponies like Orlando Cepeda and Willie McCovey started showing up and hitting long bombs like they were going out of style. Anyone can hit a homerun. Wade Boggs was one of the greatest hitters ever, and he could go deep at will during batting practice. But what did he do during the game, when it counted? He’d go the other way, advance runners. He’d do what he could for the team. Baseball is a team game, and home runs are the opposite of team.”

Pitching: “It’s simple – in this day and age, with the shape ballplayers are in, if you have an ERA over 4.50, you should be in the minors, out of baseball, or pushing up dasies. Now folks are making more money that I’d ever see in ten lifetimes for pitching like a poolboy on their siesta break. It’s pathetic. And don’t even get me started on the way they baby these multi-million dollar Faberge Eggs, what with pitch counts and special relievers and all these fancy ices and wraps. You grab the damn ball, you throw the damn ball, and you keep throwing the damn ball until you can’t throw the ball anymore. If you need a note from your mommy excusing you from going over 130 pitches, then you should go back to diaper school.”

The Internet: “What is it, a bunch of wires and tubes hooked up to a computer so some pasty-faced indoors-only nerd can play a video game against another pasty-faced indoors-only nerd? No thank you! No surprise that Al Gore taking credit for this, and global warming. No sir, I like my fun the old-fashioned way: throwin’ the ol’ horsehide back and forth, feeling the sun on my face, and chewin’ some tobacco while whistling at all the pretty young things that bend over for spare change. Does THAT show up on your Internets?”