In honor of Roger Clemens & his eventual return to baseball, here’s a special ROCKET FACT edition of IT’S A FACT!

IT’S A ROCKET FACT! As part of his off-season training regiment while in Boston, Clemens used to plunge his pitching arm into a bucket full of uncooked rice! When he signed with the Blue Jays, he began using dry cous-cous! After arriving in New York, he alternated between Barilla brand ziti, rotini, and linguini! After joining the Houston Astros, he switched to uncooked elbow macaroni from Annie’s Homegrown!

IT’S A ROCKET FACT! The decibel level of the crowd @ Yankee Stadium when Clemens’ return was announced during the 7th inning stretch was calculated at 123dB, 2 dB below the level where sound causes physical pain! In comparison, Suzyn Waldman’s radio announcement of the event was measured at 136dB!

IT’S A ROCKET FACT! Even at age 45, Roger Clemens’ legs are so powerful that he can pedal a stationary exercise bike from the Yankees’ training room to his locker in the clubhouse, all the way down the hall!

IT’S A ROCKET FACT! An anonymous source claims Houston Astros GM Tim Purpura, upon hearing the news of the Clemens signing, wanted to order 28 floral arrangements in the shape of “a big f*cking dick” to be sent to Clemens’ ranch. He instead chose to send an e-mail featuring Calvin (of Calvin & Hobbes fame) wearing an Astros cap and a Craig Biggio jersey urinating on the number 21!

IT’S A ROCKET FACT! There’s a clause in Clemens’ contract that obligates Yankee shortstop Derek Jeter to take his oldest son Koby out on the town at least 3 times a month, with the stipulation that Koby “goes all the way with one of those hot club girls”!

IT’S A ROCKET FACT! In addition to using pasta products for training, Clemens would have his wife cook the used pasta as a post-exercise carb & starch boost!

IT’S A ROCKET FACT! The provisions for private planes and separate hotel rooms in Roger Clemens’ new contract were not included as the result of the pitcher’s own demands, but those of his Yankees teammates, who bitterly recalled Clemens’ habit of constantly smacking them on the ass and saying “Yeah, you like it rough, don’tcha?”

IT’S A ROCKET FACT! Roger Clemens’ $28 million pro-rated salary is over $3 million more than the 2007 payroll for the entire Tampa Bay Devil Rays team!

IT’S A ROCKET FACT! 19th century baseball pioneer King Kelly had some Clemens-esque stipulations in his contract as well, including: separate hotel rooms for his black monkey, his Japanese valet, his uniforms, and baseball eqiupment; a local burlesque girl supplied before every game that would serenade him with “Slide, Kelly, Slide”; 365 pairs of monogrammed longjohns; and a mug of beer to be brought to him while playing defense at the top of the 4th inning!

IT’S A ROCKET FACT! Before each of his minor league starts this year, Clemens would listen to the Pussycat Dolls’ “Don’t Cha”!

IT’S A ROCKET FACT! If Clemens had a daughter, her name would either be Klementine, Klarissa, or Kapistrano, but not Kay!

IT’S A ROCKET FACT! There is still a restraining order out against the hotheaded Rocket! Former Major League Umpire Terry Cooney, who ejected Clemens from his start in the 1990 ALCS, filed the restraining order after an incident in February of 1991 where Clemens assaulted Cooney with thrown baseballs outside Cooney’s home! One baseball shattered the back window of Cooney’s 1984 Buick LeSabre; another permanently bruised Cooney’s left buttock!

IT’S A ROCKET FACT! According to agent Randy Hendricks, Roger Clemens very nearly stunned the baseball world by once again signing with the Toronto Blue Jays!

IT’S A ROCKET FACT! Former teammate Wade Boggs taught Clemens how to throw a knuckleball, but Clemens only threw it once during an actual game! Mariners slugger Alvin Davis took him deep at the Kingdome in 1987 off of that wily pitch, and Clemens never threw the pitch again!

IT’S A ROCKET FACT! Roger Clemens’ new contract includes a number of unusual incentive clauses! Among them: If Clemens once again strikes out 20 batters in a game, he will become the majority owner of the New York Yankees!

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Big Jim Potzrebie is the founder and CEO of Big Jim Potzrebie’s Used Motor Vehicles of Milwaukie, Canby, Drain, Dufur, Happy Valley, Barlow, Estacada, and Aurora, Oregon.