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Unbelievable. Those shorts-squirting dick-rubbing clowns over at that other website that I’m not even going to give the time of day right now — because f*ck those clowns with someone else’s [member] — think they’re so f*cking clever with their [happy] ass stunt at NFL HQ. You know who thinks you’re real f*cking clever? The cops that busted your stupid [bundle of sticks] asses, that’s who! “I hope you know this goes on your permanent record!” HAHAHAHAHAH you sad-ass f*cks.
(& don’t think I don’t know you’re behind this sorry bullsh*t, too. Because who else would think it’d be “satirical” or “funny as f*ck” to start crowdsourcing for a f*cking multi-million dollar organization and its multi-billion dollar owner? Holy shit, you knobgoblins; I gotta take a break from pwning yr *sses because I’m laughing so f*cking hard right now LOL OMG BFF.)
If you jagbags could get Belichick’s [member] out of your mouths long enough to think for a second, you’d know that the Patsies got off sooooo f*cking easy. Hell, back in the day, back when yr boi Tagliab*tch was driving the bangbus, Patsies used to get away with f*cking MURDER, bro. F*cking MURDER. Even during Roger “Jane” Goodell’s early days, too! Remember “The Tuck Rule” game? Remember SpyGate? Remember Drafting a F*cking Dude That’s Now A Convicted Murderer? Oh & hey remember teams just bending over for you on a week-to-week basis because I don’t f*cking know why? Thank GOD for that [bundle of sticks] Eli Manning. He might be as much of a [mentally challenged person] as his dumbsh*t pizza-f*cking brother, but he stuck it to your Patsies but good. TWICE!
& now that your poor wittle Patsies got caught doing what they always did — that’s CHEATING, bee tee dubs — you’re gonna pretend like the NFL is being unfair? Do you middle-class hillbillies know what “hypocrisy” is? You should — you got yr pee-wee sized [members] drowning in a pile of it right now! “Now go get your f*cking shinebox.” Here’s a clue: The NFL only cares about the NFL. When your pwecious little Bewicheck and your pwecious wittle Bwady were all the rage, of course the NFL kept all those happy endings coming for Patsies Nation. It was good for business. & now that the NFL recognizes that Tom “How Did I Ever Pull a Hollywood Actress AND a Supermodel While Looking Like A Brain-Damaged Paperboy” Brady is about to start qualifying for Social Security, no more rub-and-tugs for the sh*ttiest “dynasty” to ever teabag professional sports while fingering professional sports right in the stinkeye without asking first.
Face facts, losers. The Steelers had Terry Bradshaw, Lynn Swann, Franco Harris and the Steel Curtain defense. The Cowboys had Staubach and Dorsett, and then they had Aikman and Smith and Irvin. I don’t need to list who the 49ers had. Hell, even the Giants had Bill F*cking Parcells. What do the New England Patriots have? A coach that dresses like a twice-divorced unemployed fast food manager, a bunch of nobodies and retreads on both sides of the ball, and a f*cking cheater taking the snaps. I mean, come on, bro. The dudes that were deflating the balls for Lord High Commander Brady were making fun of his stupid ass ON THE REG. & if those [bundles of sticks] knew how much of a joke Brady is, imagine how the rest of the world feels about that no-good piece of sh*t. This day’s been coming ever since that overrated turd Wally Pipp’d Drew Bledsoe out of his rightful Hall of Fame career (& me giving a flying sh*t about these tri-cornered clowns), and I am LOVING. IT. SO. F*CKING. MUCH. F*ck YOU, Bob Kraft. Have a cheese slice on me, b*tch!
So, yeah, enjoy your 15 seconds of fame, *ssholes. Enjoy getting gladhanded by the dull & dumbest of the Boston Sports Media (& probably some mouthbreathers over at the WWL as well, because who knows what the f*ck they’re doing). (Bababooey, Billy S!) & maybe when you get back to your offices, one of you sh*t-tossing monkeys can dig a checkbook out of that stack of pizza boxes and Chickenhawk Quarterly over in the corner & write a certain former co-founder a check for the f*cking money you stupid baked-bean-f*cking chumps have OWED me for the past TEN-PLUS YEARS. That’d be a f*cking great change of pace for you backstabbing clowns. & then, after that f*cking check clears (because I trust you [bundles of sticks] as far as I can throw that dumb fat Bridesmaids [female dog]), you can go back to cornholing a box of wine while fantasizing about your latest arf-faced “smokeshow” and posting baby dick pics like real f*cking men. Sit & spin on Manute Bol’s dead zombie [member], bros. Until next time — SUCK IT!
Callahan, AKA “The Human Heatcheck,” is the founder, financier, and sole writer for Beerbong Sports, “the first and foremost post-online mancave for all things men and manly in the world of sports and other manly pursuits. For men.” He has Jeremy Piven’s autograph tattooed on his right calf.