You know what? I’m glad Barry Bonds is having lots of trouble break Hank Aaron’s all-time homerun record. Kinda hard to concentrate on hitting when everyone knows you’re a cheater, isn’t it, cheater? Must be super hard to get those steroided muscles swinging after a fat pitch when the entire world knows you’re a fake and a chump and a lying sack of lies lit on fire and stinking to holy heck! You’re an even bigger cheat than that Magna Cum Cheater, AJ Pierzynski!

I mean, look at what I did last week! I totally sucked! One hundred pitches through five innings? Forty three in the FIRST INNING? A broken pitching machine could do better than that! And what did Bonds do against me? He didn’t do squat, that’s what! Like, oooh, he hit a single! Hey, Barry – I’ve hit singles, too, and I can’t hit for a gosh darn!

What’s up with that? What happened to the big scary overrated slugger I had to put up with as a teammate in 2004? Oh yeah, that’s right – that kick-butt drug testing policy happened, that’s what! No wonder Barry was “injured” in 2005. Yeah, I’m sure his knees and back and hip and whatever old-man nonsense was “hurting” him really needed surgery. He probably got surgery to reduce his breast size! I mean, seriously – the guy had bodacious ta-tas that would make Dolly Parton jealous! And those knockers were rock hard! Seeing that dude in the shower was totally disgusting! If I’m going to be totally honest, I gotta say he had a really nice chair, though. The jerk.

But, anyway, yeah, everyone knows this record would be totally bogus if Bonds had it, and if the Baseball Gods were truly fair, they’d strike Barry down before he actually had a chance to break it. No one wants him to break it. His teammates are full of stuff if they say they’re supporting him, especially given what ex-teammates are saying. (Try denying THAT, Barry!) Pitchers would rather throw at his big watermelon head (and I mean that in a non-racialist way) than throw him a strike he can roid into the bleaches. Heck, the Padres sent the guy down that let Bonds tie the record. That’s just wrong. I don’t want to know what’ll happen to the stupid jerk that lets that other stupid jerk go yard – it’ll be like some rookie shaving-cream hazing meets The Godfather, but worse!

Bud Selig has all but said that he doesn’t want to be there, and I’d sure respect him a heck of a lot more if he just said so, but I understand he has to be diplomatic, which totally sucks. That sad-looking hands-in-pocket I-don’t-want-to-be-here pout thing he did, though, was totally the proper response – kudos, Commish. The fans sure as heck don’t want Bonds to have it – listen to them boo every time he comes up! Even the San Francisco fans are booing! Ask anyone that’s been to the games, like me! They’re totally booing! And even the announcers (who totally live for this kind of granstanding garbage) don’t want anything to do with it! Absolutely no one anywhere wants anything to do with this piece of garbage “record” now, thanks to Mr. BALCO.

It’s a shame that this had to happen to baseball out of the blue – all these folks, taking drugs to get better at something illegally. And it just snuck up on everyone! It’s like you turn away for a couple of years to go to college or get laid, and all of a sudden guys are jacking up 50 homers a year with guns that weightlifters would kill for, and shortstops and second basemen are going yard all the time, and even pitchers are homering twice a game, and suddenly baseball’s just no fun anymore, and a cheater’s on the cusp of breaking the game’s most treasured record. It’s enough to make you want to scream, “WHAT THE HECK?!?”

You know who I blame for this? The totally biased media. Think about it – they’re paying billions of dollars to broadcast these games, and what do they think makes games interesting? Home runs, of course. (The correct answer is “a pitcher getting out of a bases-loaded jam in the 5th inning,” but what do I know, I’m only a professional baseball player.) So FOX and ESPN start letting steroids seep into the game, and they start broadcasting things like, “HEY, LOOK AT ALL THESE HOME RUNS,” and then follows, as everyone knows, PROFIT.

And then when someone brave like Bud Selig – a true pioneer of baseball, a man with as much integrity as Barry Bonds has HGH in his entire body – stands up against these evil tyrants poisoning the sport, they’re all like “WHA HAPPEN? WTF OMG IT’S STEROIDS LOLZ ^_^!” and the media begins pointing fingers at baseball itself, and they sic Pedro Gomez on Barry Bonds like they knew it from the start. It’s all sorts of shady. I wouldn’t be surprised if there was some cigarette-smoking dude sitting in Fox Sports HQ with Joe Buck, Tim McCarver, and a bottle of some really expensive booze, all of them smoking and drinking and laughing their butts off at all the stupid fans that keep paying for this stuff!

Mark my words – when it’s all said and done, this era of baseball is going to be like the 21st century Black Sox scandal era. The major media is Comiskey forcing his players to cheat, Bud Selig is Commissioner Landis trying to right the wrongs, the guys that’ve been writing about roids from the start are like that guy in the cool hat that sang in the train about throwing baseball games, and Barry Bonds is totally Shoeless Joe Jackson – one big stupid lying cheater that’ll get exactly what he deserves. I hope you and your mantits go to the super-hot heck you made for yourself, Barry Bonds!

In 2003, Los Angeles Dodgers pitcher Brett Tomko gave up 252 hits as a St. Louis Cardinal, the most allowed by any National League pitcher that year.